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139,043 Literary Works • 672,398 Reviews
Hello shiney1,
This will be the first review I have done for you, so I would like so say in advance that I am sorry if I am ever too harsh. Remember, we are here to help improve your work so you become a GREAT writer! XD
Now, on to the review! Your story was... for lack of a better word, interesting. Really I have never read anything like it so it took me by surprise. It has a very unique style in quite a few ways. I'm not quite sure how to review this, but I will give it a shot, and hopefully my comments will help!
First of all what I liked- I like how interesting and imaginative your story is! Over all I quite liked it. I'm not sure what it was? Maybe it was what they were saying or something else... I really cannot put my finger on it, but I liked it!
Now the downside- Unfortunately while I liked your story, it lacked in a few aspects. As WickedWonder mentioned, details and emotion were the main ones. Because your story is limited to the dialog, it also limits your descriptions as a writer and how much emotion you put into it. Every story AND poem needs some kind of emotion otherwise it is just a bunch of words. So please, next time in your story add more emotion.
Over all I like it and I think it has great potential- I look forward to reading your next piece.
Once again, sorry if we YWS users are a bit harsh. Someone else like a teacher or a friend may have said it was great but we want the BEST! And the reason we aim so high with ALL our work is so when it fails or its not quite as good as we want it, it will still be an amazing piece!! We only want you to improve...
Good luck for future work, and if you need any help please ask
Thanks,
watchmeburn
Alright, so, this was just a story to me, just a nice outline of a story.
You could defiantly give more details. Always be asking yourself why anything in your story is happening.
I have to thank you, though, for not using any chat speak, even though your characters are in a chat room.
Over all, I just feel like this lacking in every area-Description, Details, emotion
~WickedWonder