You sit on my heart like an angry tick, sucking my attention, my thoughts, the minutes in my day. I put you there, I keep you there, I am too scared to pull you away, off of my beating, bleeding, broken heart. You are there, drinking my blood, tearing muscle and flesh apart, you are a part of me.
But today you are gone. That winged angel with sparkles in his eyes whispered to the wind, and the sky cried rain and now my heart is working again. You are gone, you sick, nasty tick, gone from my heart and when I remember you I don’t get sick anymore. My angel, my shimmering spirit, saved my soul this week, replaced my aching body with hope, my empty mouth with speech. Your miraculous whisper, oh angel, mended my broken wings, and when I close my eyes I climb higher into the crystal air with you, and I smile.
Now, my breath is back, and my words are for my angel. I whisper to him, I whisper to her, I whisper to anyone who will listen, because my breath is for my angel, and they are all my angels.
My broken heart still beats steadily each day, with each breath I take and with each beat of angel wings on my soul and in my lungs I live and I love, bigger and brighter and better.
Because of you, black tick. Because of my glistening angel with the winged words.
Because I am.
Hello, shineuntiltomorro! I absolutely loved this poem. The only thing I did't like about it was the format. Until the last two lines, looks like it is written in paragraphs, and not stanzas. I'd consider changing that, If I were you. Maybe keep each paragraph as a stanza but make each sentence a different line. My favorite line was the first one. It's so original, and it is a real attention grabber. Good job!
I agree with the other reviews, the structure of this is somewhat a little confusing. It really should be better off as a short story, or change the structure so that its more like a poem. For example:
"Now, my breath is back, and my words are for my angel. I whisper to him, I whisper to her, I whisper to anyone who will listen, because my breath is for my angel, and they are all my angels."
to:
Now, my breath is back
and my words are for my angel.
I whisper to him
I whisper to her
I whisper to anyone who will listen
because my breath is for my angel
and they are all my angels
etc, etc.
But other than that, this is quite a lovely poem.
This is my favourite part:
"My broken heart still beats steadily each day, with each breath I take and with each beat of angel wings on my soul and in my lungs I live and I love, bigger and brighter and better."
Good job though! Just work out the structure and it'd be all good. >.<
Hello! I agree with "rishabh", i really enjoyed the content but the structure was a little confusing. I think that you have a lot of talent but a little more organization couldn't hurt. Hope this helps, keep up the nice writing!
hey!
Your poetry is good but not able to connect reader emotinally. this is not sounding like poetry it is better to be a short story or something creative. my suggestion to you is that write your poem in stanzas it will give more beauty to your beautiful words. write more openly as you can. write good and take beautiful reviews.
overall nice attempt. keep writing.
120,455 Literary Works • 649,901 Reviews
Points: 479
Reviews: 12
Donate