Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
He always new that it’s going to be him. There, in that room. Okay, maybe not him him, but a version. A fragment of his personality. One of his many faces. He knew that when he opened the door. But what he saw was really unexpected.
Two men, standing on a hill overlooking a battlefield. Both had long hair : one of them held it in a ponytail, while the other held it loose. The first man wore very practical clothes –jacket, cargo pants in camouflage colors and combat boots. The other wore a long leather trench coat, with question marks on its collar and red velvet trousers with blue converse sneakers. The first man spoke to the second. “Tell me, why did you do that ? You knew she was going to die. “ The second man replied. “But she didn’t. You took her place.”. Then he proceeded to light a cigarette, pulling it from a Cybermat-shaped container. “Tell me Rory, “ he continued ”, do you really like her that much ? So much that you were willing to go on a deadly mission for her ? I thought that you were still faithful to your Amelia, my dear last Centurion. The first man turned around and the Doctor was shocked. So shocked that he held a hand for his mouth in fear – it was Rory, but not the Rory he knew. The left half of his face was scarred and he had a large D branded around his right eye. “Yes. I am. But I am doing this because I want to save her from you.” His voice was full of rage and pain. “Why are you doing this ? Abandoning us to flee with some-one better if you find such a person .Sending us on deadly missions. Tell me Doctor, why ? And don’t try to tell me you idiotic excuse about how you always return to us. Amy is in stasis because she could not bear the pain that the Daleks inflicted on her. Donna, the woman that was with you when we first met – locked up in a temporal prison of the Time Lords, and you haven’t even moved a finger to save her. While you could ! You’re best friends with that chick, Romana, that lord president of your goddamned planet. And that other one ? The minister of war. What’s her name ? Ace. She was a human, wasn’t she ? Before the Time Lords “He spat the word out as if it was something disgusting. “turned her into one of your species. You are a monster, Doctor ! Seducing and having sex and killing and dancing around in that fucking blue box. How do you even live !”. His voice went from loud to screaming to hysterical. “Believe me,” he spoke with tears on his eyes” if it wasn’t for Amy, then I would have killed you long ago. “ He turned around and went away from The Doctor. “You know Rory. The Doctor turned around and I could see him properly. It was not me, not this face. My previous version stood there facing Rory. His long hair fell upon his face , so one eye was covered. Underneath the leather trench coat he wore a white shirt and he also had a chain around his neck made out of question marks. “You know… I am 2000 years old and I have seen a lot of stuff.” He smirked, that typical smirk that I utilized when I told something funny or talked about something beautiful. That version of me, anyway. I have seen whole planets being destroyed for a wish of a spoiled little brat. I have seen nice guys, great family, hot wife, cute kids, well, killing little children as their hobby. I have seen…a leader of a nation, who led them to many victories, lying on the cold ground, looking at the dude with the gun and thinking “Is he out of bullets? Is he out of bullets???” I have seen dynasties being destroyed by madmen .I have seen the French revolution. I have seen Hitler, convince a whole country that they are the best. Even the most hardened sceptics. I have seen Woodstock, …Hell I was there when Pontius Pilatus sealed Jesus fate. And you know what, after all those years I have understood one thing-it doesn’t matter. Were you an angel, a demon, a saint, a pervert. Were you a star to whom people flock by millions or were you a poor vagabond without legs…It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter where you came from, how you died and how you lived. In the end, it doesn’t even matter. After all, you are nothing but a piece of shit. Something for the worms and the rats to eat. And after that? Well, you might hope for eternal salvation, but I have been there – and it is a doozy. Either you are stuck in a perfect version of your life that ends up to be your prison or you participate in particularly painful BDSM. That’s all what you get. For me it is easy – I don’t have to bother with such things at all. I was, after all, the one who made his species shook in fear and the one that found the fountain of unlimited regenerations. . A pretty amazing achievement, don’t you think ? “I was surprised by how you could say such terrible things in such a monotone voice. It wasn’t his normal voice , far from it. If anything, this could be the voice of Davros while he was still an Kaled.It looked like he could suck all the good things, all the warmth from around him.
He walked to his Tardis, which was painted black. “Are you coming ? I know a planet, where they might fix Amy’s condition. “ Rory shuffled behind him. Poor old Rory. Still willing to do anything for his Amy, even against his own beliefs and even when he knew that a lie was fed to him.“And that girl, Clara ? The one from thebattlefield ? The one that I saved ? –She is already inside.” The Doctor closed the door and the Tardis started disappearing. But instead of the familiar and warm sound of his Time Machine, it was the cloister bell. That was the sound with which this TARDIS went away and appeared.
Of course, I said. It was simple. My greatest fear was the fact that I might lose all emotion. All of my compassion. I was pretty close to it, too. In my last face. The Time Lord Victorious. I produced a “Do Not Disturb” sign from my pocket, placed it on the door and walked away.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
First, you need to use paragraphs and create a space after a character speaks. You could also try combining your sentences with some conjunctions to stop choppy sentences. There are a lot of grammatical mistakes, but those can always be fixed.
Now, about your story
This is probably just a typo, but it should be "knew."
"Used" should be there instead of "utilized."
I like the confrontation between Rory and the Doctor, and the accusations Rory's making are interesting. I know the bare minimum about Doctor Who, so I have no clue if these two are in character or not. Also, who's narrative is this?
I like this line, nice way to end it. Keep writing!
Hi! So i'm Kittycat and I just wanted to leave this review because I loved you're story! (Also Doctor Who) And just wanted to make some suggestions if that's ok with you?
Firstly, before I even started reading it was the wall of text that made me stop for a minute. I'm glad I read on but a block of text just instantly puts most people off, it's too much reading at once, it's like there's no end to it. And despite the fact i'm a big reader, that instantly makes me want to put any book down or skip over it which is a shame because some of those actually turn out to be really good books, like this story.
On top of the block of text, you don't take new lines for a new person speaking. It makes it slightly confusing to understand who's speaking.
You're also missing a few speech marks in places such as:
“Tell me Rory, “ he continued ”, do you really like her that much ? So much that you were willing to go on a deadly mission for her ? I thought that you were still faithful to your Amelia, my dear last Centurion. The first man turned around and the Doctor was shocked. "
Also you start calling the first man the Doctor, without any reference to who he is. As a fan of Doctor who obviously I know who it is but it seems like a sudden change from calling them man one and man two to being Rory and the Doctor although you make the character introduce Rory which makes it understandable for him.
There's also a big massive speech from Rory about what the Doctor has done to them all, which could probably be broken down a bit into slightly smaller sections.
"He turned around and went away from The Doctor." Should this possible be walked away? It might sound better that way? Just a suggestion.
You use the word stuff, I'm not sure if it's just a personal preference but I really don't like reading the word stuff in a sentence, it's also not very descriptive, what sort of 'stuff' has he seen? Was it good? Was it bad? You're reader doesn't know.
" I have seen nice guys, great family, hot wife, cute kids, well, killing little children as their hobby. "
This doesn't make sense? I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say here?
“Is he out of bullets? Is he out of bullets???” You use three question marks here, which seems a bit excessive when one would definitely have sufficed.
"looking at the dude with the gun" Again it's maybe a personal preference but dude just isn't a word I like to read in a sentence unless it's in the character's personality. And that's not the sort of personality I get from this character.
But yeah like I said at the beginning I really like the idea of this story. You just have to watch your grammar and spelling along with your sentences, maybe read it aloud? You always get a better idea of how it sounds if you read it aloud.