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Loyalty to a Lier

by sherlan

Chapter 1 – Daring

''Pull it off'' she shouted

But he couldn't, he just couldn't.

''I love you, stop it, it's cracking my heart, you were like my very own daughter, I just can't do this to you''

''Come on, I know you want it, I just know you do''

She grabbed him and started getting into him.

''Don't you have a heart? I raised your best friend''

''If you don't get into action right now, I'll leave'' she said to him clearly.

He wasn't tall, but he was taller than her, he wasn't very physically strong, but he was stronger than her.

But mentally, she was much stronger than him.

''Roger? Are you home?'' a voice asked from downstairs. It was her, his wife.

''Mandy? You're back! I was going to have a shower, I'm just going to put some clothes and I'll be right there'' he answered

''You must go, look what you have done. Just go'' he told that girl in his room.

She was like a daughter for him, he knew her since she was a little child, when his eldest daughter played with her in their garden.

Roger dressed up, while that girl just went downstairs.

''Hi Mrs. Dunsby'' she said in a light voice

''Hello Samantha, what have you been doing in our house? Cath is not here'' said Mandy

''Oh, I know, I just gave her back that scarf I've borrowed from her'' Samantha replied

''Oh,well Roger let you in?''

''What? Oh, yes of course'' Samantha thought for a second Mandy somehow knew about what happened between her and Roger, but then she remembered it's not possible, because she wasn't home until now.

''Alright then, I'll head home, goodbye'' said Samantha

''Goodbye'' replied Mandy

Roger was already dressed, but he waited for Samantha to leave.

He felt ashamed of himself.

His daughter's best friend.

As Samantha has left, he went downstairs.

''Did you offer her something to drink while she was here?'' asked Mandy

''Offer who? Oh Samantha... Yes, but she wasn't thirsty, besides, she was here only a few minutes''

replied Roger.

He felt sick, not because Samantha was trying to sleep with him, because he actually felt some feelings for her. So why does a nice and educated man like Roger, would even agree to what ever Samantha is doing to him?

Why would he care from what a 16 year old girl feels about him?

Why would he...?

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7 Reviews

Points: 823
Reviews: 7

Mon Jul 02, 2012 6:26 am
TickSeed wrote a review...

Going along with what FakeCrow mentioned, the formatting of the story makes it a bit diffcult to read. Having the words in both bold and italics actually made me feel a little dizzy for whatever reason.

The beginning was also quite confusing, and the writing could use more meat. While telling story in majority dialouge isn't a bad thing, it really helps to have some more exposition. Especially it it's being told though third person narritive.

Alot of the wording and phrasing was kind of awkward and some tense was a little weird.

Um. I'm also not entirely sure what this is rated. If it's going to involve anything explictly sexual like the beggining suggest, I really would put it at LEAST in 16+.

But it's most definately intresting! The storyline should be a dramatic one!

sherlan says...

Yeah, the thing is, I've got nice storyline, but It's a little bit weird to describe the story with words, it's not like the pictures I've got on my mind. Thanks for the review!

User avatar
7 Reviews

Points: 1290
Reviews: 7

Wed Jun 27, 2012 7:30 pm
FakeCrow wrote a review... looks like you might have used the wrong instances of words in a couple of spots. Example: He felt ashame(should be ashamed) for himself.

Also, the formatting, to me, seems a little weird, but it's probably because it's not what I'm used to on young writers society.

I think that you should probably separate that end part which has the narrator telling what will be in the next chapter, it just doesn't really need to be part of the story, but rather another separate paragraph.

Also, did you mean to write 'Cath', or did you misspell 'Cathy'?

Other than that, this is an interesting piece, keep up the good work!

sherlan says...

Thank you for the tips and the honesty! I'd have to say, I'm not originally from England so... Er, a bit problems with the language, but it's not something I can't fix. And it's Cath, not Cathy.

It always seems impossible until it's done.
— Nelson Mandela