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To Those Who Served

by shaulljj21


Day after day and night after night

You weren’t in the comfort of your own home.

There were holidays you couldn’t be there

You missed anniversaries with your wives,

the birthdays of your kids

and some even missed their child being born.

Each day you put your life on the line.

You put on a brave face and did what you had to.

You left your families, not knowing of your return

but reassuring loved ones that you will be back.

Saying goodbye and smiling then turning around

You couldn’t let your beautiful wife

or your precious child witnesses the tears.

You had to give them the strength,

the strength that everyone around you needed.

As they disappeared out of sight

another goodbye was over,

and another battle was coming.

You had to wipe away the tears,

clear your mind and prepare yourself.

You volunteered your life to protect others.

You left homes, sometimes even your country

just to keep our freedom.

We have not known you all, but we owe you all.

to those who have served,

Thank you for protecting us. 

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User avatar
27 Reviews

Points: 800
Reviews: 27

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Sun Dec 13, 2020 10:48 am
piyaliarchives wrote a review...



piyali archives

Hi!

Firstly, I loved your poem and everything about it. I respect my country's soldiers as they skip nights and days to keep us safe. Your poem was patriotic and emotional.

However, I want to give my review:-

You wrote: Day after day and night after night

You weren’t in the comfort of your own home.


I think this is a good stanza but the line "your own home". Own is not needed as it becomes redundant. Redundancy can remove the effect of the poem.

You wrote: You left your families, not knowing of your return

but reassuring loved ones that you will be back.


Here you use the word "left" in your stanza which means past tense. But the word "reassuring" should be changed to "reassured" because it is past tense. Also, sometimes you change the tenses of the poem which makes it feel slow.

Those were the only critiques. Overall your poem feels really good and it really seems like it has come from the heart. :D

Thanks!




User avatar
63 Reviews

Points: 685
Reviews: 63

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Wed Dec 09, 2020 6:38 pm
NastyMajesty wrote a review...



Hello @shaulljj21! Welcome to YWS! Hope you're having a great day/night wherever you're at! I'll be poppin' in here for a quick review. Okay, let's jump right in!

Grows
there were really only two things that I noticed for the grows and that's this line right here:

We have not known you all, but we owe you all.
It just seemed a little bit bumpy to me since you said "you all" twice here.
or your precious child witnesses the tears.
You could do two things here:
or your precious child be witnesses to the tears.
OR:
or your precious child witness the tears.
Either of these would make a bit more sense.

Glows
Wow. This poem is so sweet and heartfelt, I absolutely loved reading it. The title really fits and your lines are great!
You couldn’t let your beautiful wife

or your precious child witnesses the tears.

You had to give them the strength,

the strength that everyone around you needed.
this part was so sad and so powerful! Overall, amazing job. We really do need to be more thankful for our people that fight for our country <3 Keep it up, and keep writing!
(:
~Your friendly neighborhood Majesty of Nastiness~





To be a master of metaphor is the greatest thing by far. It is the one thing that cannot be learnt from others, and it is also a sign of genius.
— Aristotle, Poetics