Hi Gem! I saw your chapter has been in the Green Room for almost three months, so I'm here to remedy that! I'm just going to jump straight into reactions/ specific stuff, and then I'll end with some overall thoughts~
"I guess nothing." Shoeleather says though he can't entirely let go of the discomfort deep in his stomach. He apprehensively looks after the bell trying to spot it in the underbrush.
I find it interesting that we see the thoughts and feelings of both Leikin and Shoeleather. I think it's called third person omniscient or something when the author shows the inner dialogue of multiple characters within a chapter? It's not something I see a lot in modern writing; I think it was more common/popular in older works. So it adds a kind of old-fashioned fantasy vibe that I like, personally! And it's nice to see multiple perspectives, so that you have a better understanding of what's going on.
"What you are upset now? Had the reality not set in beforehand? He is lost," Shoeleather chides, "and you want to go on acting like you aren't worried about him. Some friends you are." He taps his foot hands on his hips.
I think the fact that Leikin is pretending not to be worried about his friend makes him a more complex and interesting character. It could be for any number of reasons; he's too afraid of what could have happened to Jashir that he simply doesn't think about it at all, or maybe he has trouble showing that he cares about people because he thinks they don't care the same amount about him, or something totally different. I'd be interested to see this side of Leikin developed more in later chapters!
Secondly, as a very minor nitpick - there are several places in the writing where you're missing a comma in a sentence, like after "foot" in "he taps his foot, hands on his hips". I don't think it's worth pointing out each instance, but if you pass it through something like Grammarly it will catch all those little annoying grammar-y things for you!
Leikin quicklylostloses sight of Shoeleather, butheadedheads in the direction of the waving shrubs the little man left in his wake. Hesquintedsquints into the flora in attempt to get a glimpse of his small companion but nothing. "Hey! I can't see you up there! Slow down!" His legswereare heavy and sore as much as hehatedhates it Shoeleather was right.
I see Lim mentioned this as well in her review, so I won't be too repetitive - having a couple sentences in past tense is not too big a deal, and something a bit of proof reading can easily deal with! It does kind of break up the flow for the reader, but as a first draft it's just something to note and keep in mind for the second draft I'd say ^^
Leikin looks at the large tree reproachfully. "I have to stick my arm inside?"
I don't know why, but this totally cracked me up xD
As his sore muscles begin to numb, he holds out a peice of slightly grass stained and tattered blue fabric.
I might be missing a bit of context here since I haven't read the previous chapter, but I'm not entirely sure where the tattered blue fabric came from? Was it attached to the bottle? snagged on a tree? hidden in the grass?
Overall thoughts
This was a lot of fun to read! I'm excited to see where you take this in the Darkest Faewilde rewrite, and whether you continue to develop the characters in this direction or a totally different one. I think one of the biggest strengths is how you describe the foresty setting - it creates a very distinct, magical, mossy mood that I love. I feel like you're very comfortable with nature descriptions (they're your specialty as far as I'm concerned), so I'd be interested to see you writing some different settings in later chapters if that comes up!
I hope this review proves useful for you ~ let me know if there's anything I missed that you'd like me to cover as well, or anything you'd like me to elaborate on ^^
Cheerio,
loo
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