z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Finders Ch.5

by fatherfig


Chapter Five - If Time Was Worth Taking

"Why would it talk to you anyway?" Leikin asks finding it ridiculous that Shoeleather is so terrified of the bell. Though the more he thinks on it the more unusual the bell's presence is to him. Neither he nor Jashir own a bell. Why would it be in his hat, and why would it remind him of last night? It feels cold in his hands as he racks his brain for any logical explanation.

As he looks down at the golden bell Leikin decides he has enough questions to ponder and doesn't need anymore. He chucks the bell into the ferns and dense emerald foilage behind them. It makes a strange whirring sound as it disappears. "That's that. What do we have to worry about now Shoeleather?"

"I guess nothing." Shoeleather says though he can't entirely let go of the discomfort deep in his stomach. He apprehensively looks after the bell trying to spot it in the underbrush.

"How about that drink you owe me, because I have no idea where we are and no idea how to get back to Fern Grove." Leikin sighs read y to get away from this bell and all the eerie questions it poses.

"And your friend, do you think he is thirsty?" The brownie's black eyes glisten as he awaits an answer eagerly. Surely the elf remembers, but if he does he does nothing to benefit his lost friend.

Leikin says nothing, looking away solemnly. He walks a bit out of the clearing opposite of the direction he threw the bell squinting into the forest. He crouches there a moment pretending to be interested in the leaves of a wild magnolia. He didn't need to be reminded. He rubs the deep scratch on his left shoulder, and then the smaller ones in his right cheek. 

"What you are upset now? Had the reality not set in beforehand? He is lost," Shoeleather chides, "and you want to go on acting like you aren't worried about him. Some friends you are." He taps his foot hands on his hips.

"Mind your business little brother." Leikin sighs looking out into the green before standing and turning back to Shoeleather. "Take me to the brewery and lets give me the drink promised." He adjusts his satchel further from his waist lowering it slightly to keep it from banging against his bruised abdomen.

The brownie eyes him and shakes his head at the dirty scratched up mess. "Fine you drunken lout. Come for your drink." With that he hops from the stump and sprints effortlessly into the underbrush. "Don't you get behind slowling! I don't have time to wait on you."

Leikin quickly lost sight of Shoeleather, but headed in the direction of the waving shrubs the little man left in his wake. He squinted into the flora in attempt to get a glimpse of his small companion but nothing. "Hey! I can't see you up there! Slow down!" His legs were heavy and sore as much as he hated it Shoeleather was right.

"Shut up slowling, and pay attention." The brownie's voice carries over the sounds of swishing grasses. "You want to find your friend and get your drink? Learn how to be quiet and patient, and learn to keep up for Pan's sake! Do you really not have use of those supposedly swift elf legs? What of your hearing?" The last thing Shoeleather expected of an elf was they would be loud and slow.

Leikin straightens to his full height and his brows furrow, "I'm swift enough, and I'm hearing your plucky remarks just fine thank you! Now if you were tall enough I didn't have to worry I'd started following a field mouse we would have no issues." He nods to himself, I will have to be tougher. For Jashi.

"Clumsy and also blind? Pity. Really." Shoeleather brushed off Leikin's insults with airy laughter

Leikin walked behind him for about six more yards before the underbrush stopped moving. "Huh shoe, I don't see anything but trees. " He looks around for any sign of a brewery. Seeing only open woods.

He shook his head and began climbing the tree closest to Leikin, "That's what you are supposed to see. We are in a forest. I don't want any random brigand in my ale." He climbs to Leikin's head height and points below to a hollow in the tree trunk. "Reach into the very bottom of the tree and you will find the bottle. Oh and it replenishes when empty."

Leikin looks at the large tree reproachfully. "I have to stick my arm inside?" He pats around the mouth of the opening, it's cold and rotten and breaks off around the places he touched. Raising an eyebrow he looks to where Shoeleather was just a moment before perched on the tree for a response but he didn't see him.

Shoeleather is sitting on the satchel at the base of Leikin's hip looking at his nails boredly no longer in the tree. " Only if you want the drink slowling. "

He nods leaning forwards and pushing his arm inside the tree. His teeth clench as he remembers the night before; the trees closing in on him crushing, pushing. Suddenly he is back there. His arm is going to be crushed, the space is too small his breath quickens his blue eyes widen with panic. I can't do this, I can't. I can feel the bark crushing me scraping my arms.

He wills himself out of the panic, loudly he yells, "Dammit, Leikin its just a tree!" The elf bites his quivering lip and punches the side of the tree with his free fist. He retrieves the bottle from the tight musty space with a shaky hand. It was small and covered in cold damp heart rot.

Shoeleather looks up at Leikin's face pricing him in the side with a small finger and pointy nail. "You better not pass out up there! I don't fancy being fell on."

Leikin doesn't even hear, he brushes off the bottle examining it before he downs it. His eyes light up at the bitter taste and at once he seems alive. "Can you use this to help find him?" As his sore muscles begin to numb, he holds out a peice of slightly grass stained and tattered blue fabric.

The brownie stands as Leikin lowers his hand to him. "No, but I know a guy who can..." Shoeleather says irritatedly. "But this means more honey, I hate this guy."

Leikin nods looking at the tiny bottle questioningly. "I'll give you more when you find him and convince him to help." He smirks down at Shoeleather.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
455 Reviews


Points: 22098
Reviews: 455

Donate
Mon Sep 05, 2022 4:45 pm
View Likes
Hijinks wrote a review...



Hi Gem! I saw your chapter has been in the Green Room for almost three months, so I'm here to remedy that! I'm just going to jump straight into reactions/ specific stuff, and then I'll end with some overall thoughts~

"I guess nothing." Shoeleather says though he can't entirely let go of the discomfort deep in his stomach. He apprehensively looks after the bell trying to spot it in the underbrush.

I find it interesting that we see the thoughts and feelings of both Leikin and Shoeleather. I think it's called third person omniscient or something when the author shows the inner dialogue of multiple characters within a chapter? It's not something I see a lot in modern writing; I think it was more common/popular in older works. So it adds a kind of old-fashioned fantasy vibe that I like, personally! And it's nice to see multiple perspectives, so that you have a better understanding of what's going on.

"What you are upset now? Had the reality not set in beforehand? He is lost," Shoeleather chides, "and you want to go on acting like you aren't worried about him. Some friends you are." He taps his foot hands on his hips.

I think the fact that Leikin is pretending not to be worried about his friend makes him a more complex and interesting character. It could be for any number of reasons; he's too afraid of what could have happened to Jashir that he simply doesn't think about it at all, or maybe he has trouble showing that he cares about people because he thinks they don't care the same amount about him, or something totally different. I'd be interested to see this side of Leikin developed more in later chapters!

Secondly, as a very minor nitpick - there are several places in the writing where you're missing a comma in a sentence, like after "foot" in "he taps his foot, hands on his hips". I don't think it's worth pointing out each instance, but if you pass it through something like Grammarly it will catch all those little annoying grammar-y things for you!

Leikin quickly lost loses sight of Shoeleather, but headed heads in the direction of the waving shrubs the little man left in his wake. He squinted squints into the flora in attempt to get a glimpse of his small companion but nothing. "Hey! I can't see you up there! Slow down!" His legs were are heavy and sore as much as he hated hates it Shoeleather was right.

I see Lim mentioned this as well in her review, so I won't be too repetitive - having a couple sentences in past tense is not too big a deal, and something a bit of proof reading can easily deal with! It does kind of break up the flow for the reader, but as a first draft it's just something to note and keep in mind for the second draft I'd say ^^

Leikin looks at the large tree reproachfully. "I have to stick my arm inside?"

I don't know why, but this totally cracked me up xD

As his sore muscles begin to numb, he holds out a peice of slightly grass stained and tattered blue fabric.

I might be missing a bit of context here since I haven't read the previous chapter, but I'm not entirely sure where the tattered blue fabric came from? Was it attached to the bottle? snagged on a tree? hidden in the grass?

Overall thoughts

This was a lot of fun to read! I'm excited to see where you take this in the Darkest Faewilde rewrite, and whether you continue to develop the characters in this direction or a totally different one. I think one of the biggest strengths is how you describe the foresty setting - it creates a very distinct, magical, mossy mood that I love. I feel like you're very comfortable with nature descriptions (they're your specialty as far as I'm concerned), so I'd be interested to see you writing some different settings in later chapters if that comes up!

I hope this review proves useful for you ~ let me know if there's anything I missed that you'd like me to cover as well, or anything you'd like me to elaborate on ^^

Cheerio,
loo




fatherfig says...


Thanks and it was snagged by a tree! Lol. I am rewriting it and it is NIW Darkest Faewilde !



User avatar
542 Reviews


Points: 41664
Reviews: 542

Donate
Tue Jul 19, 2022 3:06 pm
View Likes
Liminality wrote a review...



Hi gem! I saw this chapter in the Green Room, so I read through the first chapter and then came here to leave a review!

First Impressions

This is a quite a mysterious story indeed! The setting intrigues me. I looked up what a brownie was in folklore, and they seem really interesting. I feel quite immersed in the world as I’m reading it. I do like that there is no info-dumping, though I can’t say I’m 100% sure why everything is the way it is. For instance, I’m unclear why Shoeleather thinks the bell can talk. (I suppose it has to do with the faeries?) I’m concerned about Jashi, since this Fern Grove place seems pretty dangerous. I like the interaction between Shoeleather and Leikin, because Shoeleather challenges Leikin, which can hopefully lead to ~character development!~.

Plot

I like how the plot elements in this chapter have been arranged. The appearance of the bell adds quite a bit of tension. It does make me wonder who or what put it in Leikin’s hat, and what kind of magical properties it might have, since touching it makes Leikin remember some things. It’s a nice subplot/ addition to the main plot of Leikin trying to find Jashi.

"Can you use this to help find him?" As his sore muscles begin to numb, he holds out a peice of slightly grass stained and tattered blue fabric.

Hmm I wonder what kind of person/ magical creature they’re going to get to help find Jashi from this? I’m thinking of a dog-like creature, since dogs can search by scent, but not likely to be an actual dog since all the characters so far have been from folklore. My knowledge of said folklore is very shallow, though, so maybe I’m thinking in the wrong direction.

Tenses

I’ve been finding the use of tense in this chapter a bit confusing. I think the main tense is meant to be present tense, since that’s what most of the narration is in, but there were a few spots where past tense was used, for example:
Leikin walked behind him for about six more yards before the underbrush stopped moving.

However, this sentence is immediately followed by a line in present tense, which seems to still take place at the same timeframe:
He looks around for any sign of a brewery. Seeing only open woods.


Characters

Like I said, I like the dynamic between Leikin and Shoeleather. At this point, I’m reading Leikin as someone who cares about his friends, but he has some issues of his own to work through, including his alcoholism. He also doesn’t like to show he cares.
I think Shoeleather is someone who can ‘get to’ Leikin when he talks, because he doesn’t pull any punches verbally. For instance, he insults Leikin in a half-playful way calling him “slowling” and “clumsy”. And then he’s also very confrontational with Leikin about Leikin’s motivations despite only knowing him for a while. I guess I think someone who’s a bit more tactful would be easily brushed off by Leikin, whereas Shoeleather can’t be shaken off so easily. Perhaps that might drive Leikin forward in his character arc, though I can’t say how exactly, at the moment.
Something I like about how you characterise Leikin is how you’ve written his emotional states.
He wills himself out of the panic, loudly he yells, "Dammit, Leikin its just a tree!" The elf bites his quivering lip and punches the side of the tree with his free fist.

He goes from being absolutely terrified to then getting mad at himself for being scared, and then dealing with his fear using aggression, like punching the tree. I thought this sequence really showed his character, because it mixes dialogue, action and internal thoughts to create a ‘whole’ picture. I also liked another moment earlier in the chapter when Shoeleather first brings up losing Jashi, and Leikin just goes quiet externally, but internally affirms that he is thinking about his friend but he doesn’t want Shoeleather to keep rubbing it in. I think that bit helped me understand on the first read that Leikin isn’t all that meets the eye, especially given the impression he gave me in the introductory chapter.

Overall

I thought this worked well as a chapter kind of early-on in the story! Other than the momentary tense changes, I thought the character interactions with each other and the environment flowed quite smoothly. I enjoyed the worldbuilding: the idea of ‘getting a drink’ being reaching your hand into a tree for a magically-refilling bottle was quite unexpected to me, but seemed definitely in line with this setting.

Hope some of this helps, and feel free to ask for more feedback!
-Lim




fatherfig says...


Thank you very much for your review! I enjoyed your feedback, I did have difficulty trying to communicate some of the sentences in the present tense. I'm glad you have mentioned this it is definitely something I will have to work on!

I am really excited to read your vision of the characters and I am really happy with your conclusions about how their interactions are. I agree wholly that currently Shoeleather is what Leikin needs.



fatherfig says...


Also I am really glad that the emotional and panic scenes seemed realistic. I was worried they would seem off.




When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind