The fractured surface of gentle water
Gently lapping to and fro
Flowing around the hand of a child
As she stares in wonder
At the fractured rainbow light reflecting
Off the surface of the forgotten spring
Shattered subtly into fractured colors
Not quite blue and not quite green
The shimmery surface brings back memories
Of fireworks exploding in the night
Of sparks flying from the sparkler she waves
Of water droplets sparkling in the sky
Yet the shattered spring sits long forgotten
By all but a young girl
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,438 Literary Works • 673,187 Reviews
Royal here for a quick review!
So, this was alright. I thought the repetition was well-intended, but misused. I think the repetition of the imagery is necessary, but the repetition of the words might not be.
I'm not a fan of capitalizing every line, and I think if you didn't capitalize every line, this poem would have a better impact. Try it out, see how you like it, and decide from there; it's a complete and absolute artist's choice.
You repeat the word "spark" three times in one stanza, and I'm not sure it's doing the work you want it to do. I think your intention was to repeat the images using parallel structure, but in the last stanza, that structure sort of falls away to reveal a new repetition of this word, this "spark." After the second repetition, that word stops having an image and starts sounding repetitive. If that makes sense? To fix this, if you want to fix it, because maybe it's your intention to have "spark" three times in a stanza, I'd just try to find a different way to talk about the sparkler and the memory of the sparkler without using the word "spark" so often. Maybe talk about the smell of the sparkler. Or the sound it makes when it's burning. So far, there's just been a lot of visual images without much engagement of the other senses. Grab me by all five senses.
I love the lack of punctuation. It totally lets the poem flow, just like the spring it's describing. I love the last line, and its haunting effect. I love the imagery of the child's hand in the water.
Overall, I thought the repetition was a little overbearing, but regardless, this is a solid and beautiful poem! Good job!
'Ello, it's Cello, here to review! Happy review day!
It's a few days late but welcome to YWS! I hope you've been enjoying the site!
I actually really enjoyed this poem but it still has some room for improvement.
I really like your use of the word fractured (and the use of the word shattered later on in the poem). The way you make the water seem like glass or a mirror really adds a lot to the poem so I'd just like to point out how great it is.
Moving on, I think that your stanza break (the one I have shown above) is a bit awkward. You break of in the middle of a sentence and leave the reader expecting the stanza to be set up in a way it's not. Where and how you break up a poem it completely an author's choice, as long as your methods don't take away from the poem. I honestly think the simplest fix for this problem would be to combine the two verses into one large verse. After all, you have a shorter stanza of the poem on the end so what would the harm of a bigger stanza be?
I'm always picky when it comes to repetition and it seems to be something I talk about in almost every review that I write. Repetition can either strengthen or weaken a work and I think in this case it did the latter. You say 'sparkler' and 'sparkling' which (though not identical) are very similar. 'Sparkler' really doesn't have an alternative but 'sparkling' does. 'Shimmering', 'glimmering', 'glittering', there's a giant list to choose from and I'll leave it up to you to make the right decision.
I hope to see more work from you soon. Keep it up!
-ChocolateCello
Hi shatteredspring, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day and happy review day.
Theme: I really like the fact that you used spring as the main theme of this poem. It also felt quite original. Normally spring poems are happy and full of joy, yours felt more like a winter poem’s theme, full of beauty and sadness at the same time. I thought that the last verse in the poem was a perfect way to end such a beautiful piece.
Description: The description in this piece really brought it to a new level for me. It was colourful and provided me with crystal clear visuals. I think the description carried the poem really well and was wonderful to read.
Grammar and Punctuation: The one problem I had with your poem was that you had absolutely no punctuation, so it made finding the rhythm really hard. All the sentences felt like they bled together if you know what I mean. Since I'm not the best person to ask about punctuation, here is a pretty good article for poetry punctuation https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=12474. I didn't see any grammar mistakes.
Hello, InfiniteRectangles here with a review for you!
Sevro has left you an excellent review, and made some very good points. So instead of reiterating what they said, I will elaborate a little and point out some things I noticed.
Your poem is lovely, and it is off to a great start, but as far as emotions go, it fell a bit flat. You repeated lots of words and used rather mundane vocabulary. This is poetry, don't be afraid to flaunt your vocab skills every once in a while haha.
I will use your first stanza as an example. This is good, but I feel that if you play around with vocabulary a little more, it could be great. You want your poems to have an impact on your readers, and imagery is a great way to do that. I can see that you have started establishing some imagery, but it felt kind of weak. Fluff it out a little bit so the readers can get a clearer image in their minds.
For example, instead of "The fractured surface of the gentle water/ Gently lapping to and fro"
You could try something like: "Sunlight danced across the fractured surface of the water/ Carried by a gentle current"
Now, obviously it doesn't have to be exactly like that, but do you see how the imagery is a bit stronger? Keep that in mind as you write poetry. You want your readers to feel the emotion of the poem. You want to show your readers the spring, not just tell them about it. Write your poem in such a way that puts them there, in the moment, with that girl in the spring.
I like the ending. It gives off a sense of nostalgia and sorrow that the spring is forgotten. I still feel like it could be a little stronger though. What state is the girl in? Is she "shattered" as well? If she is, I think that mentioning that could make the ending have more of an impact on your readers. How about: "Yet the shattered spring sits long forgotten/ By all but a shattered young girl"
(If that isn't what you were going for, though, then just ignore me haha.)
Anyway, that is all I have for you. This was a good poem and I enjoyed reading it. I hope I was of some help to you. Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
Hey there, shatteredspring. Sevro here to review your poem.
Alright, so, the first stanza is good. It was a nice way of easing us into the poem. The way you said "gentle water" and then "gently lapping" gets redundant. It doesn't show off any vocabulary. If you're really looking to wow the readers, you have to get creative with your word choices. The introduction of the child was smooth. I also noticed that you didn't punctuate the poem. This is fine, as long as you're consistent, which you were, so nice going there.
You completely overused the word "fracture". You say it once in the first stanza, and twicein the second. You could have said, "At the refracted rainbow light reflecting". Other words include "bent", or "fluctuating", even "shimmering" would portray the image in your mind. I would also suggest replacing the second "fractured" as well. Bringing in some elements of your title was a good choice. Now, don't get me wrong, I think the last line is good. I just feel like you could make it great. Maybe even just taking out the "and" all together would elevate it. With just a few tweaks, you could absolutely make this poem the kind of poem that flies under the radar until it's close enough to strike the reader's heart with astonishing force.
Again, keep in mind the words you're putting together. "Of sparks flying from the sparkler she waves" has that double word use. You could've said, "Of fireflies spinning away from the sparkler she waves". However, the concept of this stanza is nice. The feelings of nostalgia are very present.
This ending is...hm...I think I like it. It leaves me with a sort of vacant feeling, which is different, but good. It changes the happy, content vibe to a dimmer, more depressing tone. If that's what you were going for, great! If not, well, still great, because you added another layer to your poem without even realizing it.
All in all, I thought that this poem had great potential. With a few minor changes, you'll definitely have a piece of art in your hands.
I hope this review helped you out!
~Sevro