Author note: sorry about the length I know it's really short and It's probably better to write the rest in the next part.
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You were reading a novel when Jaden finally came into your room and was slightly in a normal mood.
"You okay?" you asked scared for the answer
He nodded and flashed you a small smile.
"What are you reading" He asked shyly
"Charlotte's Web" you said you didn't care that it was a children's book you liked to read things for fun.
"Oh." he said strangely
"What wrong with kiddy books?" you asked
"I don't know, I figured you'd read darker things" He said
"I do but I wanted to read something that i can finish in a day" You replied defending yourself.
There was soon an awkward silence,which you hated a lot.
Soon Jaden let out a random laugh he soon was on the blood stained carpet laughing his ass off. He put his hand on the bed post to hold him self up.
"What's so funny" You asked quite freaked out but on the urge to start laughing too.
"I wanted to break the silence." he said
"By laughing? Liar!" You damanded jokling
Soon you two grew tired of the strange moment and you guys went into the home theater.
"What movie do you want to watch" He asked
"How about a horror movie"You asked
"Sounds good" He said leading his way to the huge self of movies.
Your mouth dropped wide open there were a lot a movies. More than a video store and it was free.
"No you have to pay" Jaden joked
You hit him playfully.
You two finally picked one out. You never heard of it but it sounded interesting.
Jaden popped the disk into the player and you to took a seat on the comfy chairs.
About a quarter through the movie and Jaden's Stomach was growling like crazy.
"You want to go get something" I asked him
"No, that would be rude. I'll go get something when it's over." he said
"You sure?" You asked
he nodded
You felt bad for him. You could see the blood lust in his eyes. Especially when all the blood was showing in the movie. His eyes were growing whiter and his skin was getting paler at the minute. You were afraid of him at this moment.
"Jaden?" you asked moving off your seat next to him
"I'm fine!" He yelled
"No your not!" You said frightened at the sudden yell
His white eyes soon came closer to you enough to bite you. YOu backed slower and slower.
"Please leave Lacey" He said
You nodded and began to leave but soon his hand grabbed you.
He was no longer sane enough to let go.
He pierced your skin a little but he fought the urge to suck your blood. He let go of you barging out of the door leaving you on the ground. You son heard the car engine start and the garage door close. You knew he was going to be okay when he came back.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,752 Reviews
although it's a short chapter, it's nice.
i spotted a lot of mistakes, which i think Syddles had already pointed them out.
good work.
interesting. continue.
interesting. continue.
Hello! Looked like you needed a few reviews! ^^
Comma after "asked" and a period at the end.
Syd is right when it comes to this part, but also you should italicize the name of the book because it's just that. ^^
I actually think you meant a comma instead of a period here.
Syd is right here as well, however, there should be a comma after "good" and "he" should be lowercased.
This part needs some work. How about...
Your mouth dropped wide open at the many movies--more than a video store, it seemed.
It's not very good, but gives an idea.
Delete that and put a comma after "movie" as well as lowercasing "stomach."
Comma rather than a period.
Just a comma after "asked" and...could we change that word while we're at it? Maybe she's worried? Cautious?
I didn't read the previous chapters, but I think I will after reading this one. It is a very good idea, but you need work on your description, as Syd had said before me. It's mostly dialogue and, as wonderful as dialogue can be, I can't picture it in my mind.
I have never read a story using the reader as the main character, so I don't know what to say, but I can say that you switch tenses here and there. First you use past tense, then present tense...look over that.
I think the main reason of all this is because you were rushing, and I understand completely, as many other writers do. You have this awesome wonderful idea and want it down on paper quickly before you forget and, in the process, you forget the chunky part, the meat. We need description. What does the room look like, what's Jaden really like and what attracts her to him and vice versa?
Keep in mind, we have five senses: smell, hear, sight, taste, and feel. Use them, use them all, if you have to, but use them. They're there for a number of reasons, use them to your advantage. Since the reader is the main character here, you need to go even deeper when describing what she sees, hears, smells, tastes, and/or feels.
I'm sleepy, so I'll leave now. Don't take this the wrong way, it definitely has potential! I encourage you to keep it up! A fantastic idea, a wonderful start! You got the skeleton, now you need the muscle, the meat.
Any questions, PM me. I'd be happy to help! ^^
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
This is good. You need more detail, but it's good, and I found few errors here and there:
You should probably changed 'demanded' to 'accused'. It suits better.
You switched tenses.
Overall, I thought this was... ok. I didn't really feel the chapter, because there is not enough description and detail for the reader to visualize. You mostly need to work on your punctuation, because you missed quite a few periods and commas in there. Also, some of your sentences didn't flow together. You told me everything, and didn't leave anything for me to picture mentally.
Just work on those two, and you should be good to go. Nice plot idea, by the way. I'll crit your next chapter later, because I have to go right now. Good luck.
Wow, all I can say is WOW!