Hey Shaniac! I’m finally here. I’ve been saying that I was going to review this for a long time and now I am finally here. I’m going to try and review a chapter a week. Every Monday (Even though today is Tuesday). That’s my plan. My life is a bit hectic but I really want to review more. I hope my review is helpful. I haven’t reviewed in a long time but I really do try my best. If I say anything you don’t agree with you can always ignore me.
The mystery of why he died swirls from the body and upwards to the lights like smoke from a cigarettehanging off a lady's lips.
I feel like this sentence would be better if you cut off the last bit. The mention of a lady is a bit confusing and I found myself stumbling over it. I think if you were using this as a transition and said “the lady” and then, in a way, panned over to another character it would work, but here it is taking away more from the sentence than adding to it. I think the image you are trying to convey will be stronger this way.
The maid runs out of the kitchen and grabs someone, expressing her concern in panicked words
“Words” doesn’t feel like the right word for this. It a bit strange to say panicked words because the word “words” is so neutral. I think maybe you should change it to “panicked shrieks” or something. I said “words” so many times in so few sentences just now, haha.
She disappears into the crowd and keeps crying.
“Keeps crying” is pretty telling. You could really add more emotional and imagery here by just switching the sentence a little bit. Ex. “She disappears into the crowd, tears streaming down her dimpled cheeks.”
The whines and gasps grab the attention of the other people.
“Other people” is another neutral phrase. You can change this to add description. What kind of people are at this party? What are they dressed like? Ex. “The whines and gasps grab the attention of the aristocratic guests dressed in pinstripe suits and bespangled flapper dresses that dance amid the ballroom.” Not sure if my tense is correct since I normally write in past tense.
Several decide to head into the kitchen and upon entering, see Benjamin's dead body lying face down.
I would add the word “lying.”
Several of the attendees noted when asked, that Benjamin kept to himself and was mainly seen around the punch bowl for most of the night.
I would add the word “was.”
Fredrick didn't really keep close to him as he is more so the talkative type and willing to make friends.
I feel like you need to add something here that explains what is Fredrick’s relationship to Benjamin. Perhaps their college friends, colleagues, or something like that. I know that Fredrick is the host of the party but it felt kind of random to me that you jumped to talking about him. Also I get confused when you called Fredrick multiple names. I understand now that Fredrick Damon is his full name but it confused me when you call him Fredrick and then a few sentences later you called him Damon. Perhaps call him Fredrick Damon the first or second time, or something like that.
In front of him is Damon's pool which glows blueand, staring at it causes a wave of worry or doubt or something, to wash over the sheriff.
I would remove “and.”
He's new at this and shows this through his awkward mannerisms.
Instead of saying awkward mannerisms, show them to us.
JacobHe then heads into the house, moving past the young man, who promptly follows after him like a lost dog.
I removed “Jacob” because you just mentioned this character’s name in the previous sentence. I also added “him.”
He heads over to of one of the examiners, Leonard Riccins, who is busy placing the last of the evidence on the counter into a small bag. When he is finished, he looked over his shoulder and said, "There isn't a lot more evidence to pick up, Sheriff."
The beginning of dialogue is always capitalized.
He doesn't want to deal with this but instead go home, spend the night watching TV, and then go to sleep.
This sentence is weird. "But instead" is odd to me. I would change it somehow.
"I'm beginning to think that maybe Fredrick disappeared so he didn't have to deal with Marcos'sdeath," Riccins suggests.
When a name that has a 's' at the end of it is possessing something you just put the apostrophe. Like this, "Marcos'"
This isn’t an important part of the case but there is a gut feeling, something that stirring in his gut about how odd it is for Fredrick to just disappear.
Weird sentence and repetition.
He's42and his family was expecting him for dinner that evening.
It's proper English to spell out forty-two. It's not necessary for creative fiction but it's proper.
There'sisn't a lot left to do except wait.
Either "There's not" or "There isn't."
"That is just a theory, though. You shouldn't examine the details too far."
Who says this?
Benjamin Marcos is dead and the only person who possibly knows whygoesmissing.
"Is" missing.
He knows that it is the way of being sheriff but with someone's death now in his hands, it may just cause more grey hairs to pop up.
Either "It may cause" or "It just causes"
Though, MacAndy knows something. It doesn't just form from a question or an answer that someone promptly gives. He only keeps it to himself, locked away.
This doesn't make sense. The first sentence adds mystery. The second sentence makes it feel like you are about to tell us what he knows and then in the third sentence you don't. It just felt very odd to me. It's worded weirdly.
He doesn’t want to know the answers totheeternal question now.
Wouldn't it be "that eternal question?"
The secret fills in the holes as he continued to drink.
What secret? Are you talking about the something that the sheriff knows? I think you're trying to add suspense and mystery here but it's just confusing. This doesn't really make sense.
What happened to Benjamin Marcos might work better as a mystery, anyway, Jacob muses to himself before going to bed. It just makes more sense that way.
There would be a paragraph break before this. Everytime a new character speak, there is a paragraph break. If you are describing the character who spoke after your dialogue tag, you keep it all in one paragraph, but if you are describing another character you would break the paragraph. If the same character goes from speaking dialogue to thinking, there is a paragraph break between his words and thoughts. It's pretty confusing, but following these rules helps the reader know who's talking. This way you don't always need to use dialogue tags, because the reader can figure out who is talking on their own.
I personally really like this story. I love a good mystery but I felt that this was a little too tell-y. I like more tell than most people but even this was a bit too much for me. I think the reason why you fell into just telling the story and less of showing was because of the tense you chose to write in. I’m not going to suggest that you change your tense. I find this tense interesting and I don’t read many books in present tense. All I ask is that you look at your sentence structure and try to fit in more description. What was the party like? What kind of people are there? I added some more description to some of your sentences to act as an example.
I really like this story and where it is heading. I would suggest though that you refrain from writing like “this happened and then this happened and then they were shocked and then this happened.” In the beginning you did a better job of balancing show and tell, but things got a little more tell-y as I read deeper into the prologue.
Now that’s all I got to say. I’m excited to read more and hopefully I’ll catch up soon.
dwyn
I'm excited to see more! <3
And who doesn't love a good murder mystery? 
Points: 1335
Reviews: 277
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