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Cheesy Disappearance

by shaniac


The drive wasn't supposed to long, in fact, the apartment building was nearby where I lived. The delivery was quite unexpected but I agreed to take the pizza up that way because the last guy was fired, or at least, that's what I like to believe. I go into the tasteless white car with the large pizza logo on both doors and drove off in the direction of the apartment building. As I was driving, the radio announcer was talking about the disappearance of people in the area. I changed the channel, not wanting to deal with nonsense such as that. I took the usual shortcuts, ones that I was used to, and when I arrived, I parked on the sidewalk. In the dark, the apartment building was twice as scary. Looming trees were near the apartment's entrance and in the distance, I could hear dogs howling.

I grabbed the pizza boxes from the passenger side and slammed the car door. There wasn't much cars or people awake at this hour, and kind of asked me why someone would want pizza so late into the night. But I shouldn't judge someone based on their preference as it could be for someone who went through a breakup or something like that. I walked down the sidewalk and stared up at the apartment. Most of the lights were shut off, except for one that was near the top. It gave off an eerie yellow glow that reflected off the night sky.

When I was in front of the apartment doors that led in, I pressed the room buzzer. Static. I pressed it again. Static. I began to think that maybe it was a prank caller and was ready to head back when I heard a groan came from the other end.

"Hello?" I asked, pressing the button.

The groan cleared its throat and asked,"Yes?"

"Hi, I have your pizza."

Silence.

I blinked and pressed the button once again. "Hello?"

The thick voice came over the intercom again. "Come up."

I pushed through the apartment doors and into the lobby. The check-in desk was empty and the lights behind the desk were turned off. I continued forward to the elevators. The entire lower floor felt cold as I shuddered. I heard several odd noises coming from the floors above me, but told myself it was just the air turning on. The elevator doors creaked open and I stepped in, pressing the floor I needed go to.

There was soft jazz music that came from the speakers inside. I thoroughly enjoyed a good tune here and there. The elevator stopped on the floor and the doors opened once again. The floor I picked was dimly lit as there were few lights on the walls. Doors lined the walls and the hallway seemed to go on forever. I stepped out of the elevator and continued down the hallway, figuring out which room was the groaning voice's. I heard a collection of gasps and wheezes coming from several doors but shook it out of my head as someone watching late night TV.

I finally found the door and knocked once. Nothing. I knocked a second time. Still nothing. I was half considering to leave the pizza here and not get paid because this place was starting to freak me out. However, just as I was considering it, the door open to a crack. A yellow eye peeked through and at me, narrowed.

I tried my best smile and said, "I have your pizza! That'll be 16.23!"

The yellow eye blinked at me, examining slowly before shutting the door. "Hello?" I called out. I heard locks click and clack on the other side of the door, and when it opened, I saw a fat man with yellow skin and big blue eyes. His mouth was droopy and his ears were too large for his head. He was wearing a stained grey tank top with red PJ pants and blue socks on his fat feet. I gulped as the man went to the table, grabbing a stack of money with a meaty hand.

He groaned coming back, placing the money into my shaking hand. He then took the pizza box. Before closing the door, the man looked at me once more, up and down, and closed the door in my face.

I felt as though I could faint. I stuffed the money into pant's pocket and ran as fast as I could to the elevator. I pressed the button repeatedly. The doors eventually opened and I stepped in, pressing the floor button. The jazz music wasn't helping any as my nerves were already shot. Finally, the elevator opened and I was back on the freezing floor. I looked around, at the darkness. My imagination was taking the better form of dark creatures that lurked in the shadows and I decided it was best I leave as soon as I could.

I went to the doors and pulled at them. They didn't budge. I tried to pull and pull but to no avail. I panicked, grabbing a nearby fire extinguisher and throwing it against the windows. It bounced back and onto the floor. My throat closed upon itself and I fell against a wall, grabbing my legs to my chest. The cold air continued to wheeze through the vents and my entire body shivered through the thin layers I was wearing. I closed my eyes for a few moments and then when I opened up, the man from upstairs was standing in front of me, staring at me with his big blue eyes.

Before I could scream, he grabbed my mouth with a meaty hand to keep me quiet. I heard a snap and figured it was my nose. The man then dragged my body to the elevator. Before I blacked out, I considered the radio news I had heard just a few hours ago and wondered if I was going to be another on the disappearances.


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410 Reviews


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Reviews: 410

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Thu Jun 14, 2018 9:53 am
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Eros wrote a review...



Hello, Shaniac !!

This is Eros here ...with a review for your wonderful piece of a short story...

There is a really beautiful mystery created here... The feel of mystery can be felt by reading the title of the story itself.

I liked the mystery of the disappeared people here ...and the most interesting thing here, is the disappearance of a pizza boy.

I like it how you put yourself in that role. It was superb, and very interesting. But now I really want to know more about this story. Like what happened to those disappeared people, and most importantly why were they disappeared. The mystery is still encoded in codes... I request you to pleeeeease make a second part of this story, because I am really really really curious to know more about this one.

I liked every detail you have described here. The opening of the elevator doors, the shutting of your car doors... And the most importantly how beautifully you have described that man with big ears. I could actually imagine that man. And the scary feel to that apartment.

Everything is described so nicely. I liked this story very much. The plot is beautiful. The finer details are very good. The title is also very catchy.

Overall, AMAZING.

Keep writing, for we love to keep reading!

And also please consider my request ...

Great work.

Have a great day/ night!

~Eros.




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525 Reviews


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Wed Jun 13, 2018 10:14 pm
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Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there Shaniac! I'm glad I can finally read your writing; I've seen you around a lot but never gotten to read any of your works. That changes now!

Just a couple nitpicks:

But I shouldn't judge someone based on their preference as it could be for someone who went through a breakup or something like that.
This sentence strikes me as being a little off because it gets specific very quickly. Consider rephrasing it to something like "To each their own, I suppose. I don't know what's going on in their lives".

I thoroughly enjoyed a good tune here and there.
This is a good example of something that you could show, maybe by saying, "I tapped my foot to the beat and bobbed my head to the saxophone's soothing melody."

The thick voice came over the intercom again. "Come up."

I pushed through the apartment doors and into the lobby.


What is your main character feeling right now? Including some emotions here (especially if you can show them rather than tell them) would help the reader connect more with the character. It will add a lot of suspense to your story if the reader emphasizes with your reader and then can start to feel their own nervousness.

A yellow eye peeked through and at me, narrowed.

I tried my best smile and said, "I have your pizza! That'll be 16.23!"
Again, emotion. If this happened to me, I would be very weirded out, and have some sort of physical reaction to this. It'll give your story more dimension and make it more dramatic.

I stuffed the money into pant's pocket
Simple typo here. It should be "I stuffed the money in my pants pocket."

My imagination was taking the better form of dark creatures that lurked in the shadows and I decided it was best I leave as soon as I could.
The phrasing here is slightly awkward. I would say something along the lines of "My imagination was running away with me; the shadows in the elevator took the form of hideous monsters..."

I heard a snap and figured it was my nose.
Your main character would definitely feel something if his nose broke. At the very least, you can describe the blood running down his face, or the sensation of his nose pressed flat against his face.

Final note:

Emotion. That was the biggest thing your piece was lacking, and if your readers can empathize with your character, it will get a ton scarier because they will start to feel the same emotions. The MC seemed very calm throughout the entire experience, casually wondering if he would be another disappearance. The more dramatic you can make it, the more it will chill the reader.

But overall, you described the action very well, and you kept the story moving so that it never felt dull. You have an excellent skeleton here, and at this point there's just a few more refining touches that need to be put on it so that it's the chilling horror story it has potential to become. That can be achieved by crafting a character that the reader connects with and then continually describing the emotion of your character, as well as using some more description of your setting so that the reader gets the full experience.

Hopefully this review was helpful, and if you have any questions, just let me know and I'll provide any clarification necessary! Until next time, keep writing!

~The Amazing Tuckster





The greatest part of a writer’s time is spent in reading, in order to write; a man will turn over half a library to make one book.
— Samuel Johnson