Published December 7, 2008
Forever and ever
I can feel you
fire touched tongue
licking,
grasping for air
stealing away
at everything that
I gave you...
you can never
hear
what my heart whispers
to your love-sick
being
If I gave you the world, you'd
throw it down
to the hells below
but always
apologize when
I'd get down on my knees
and cry on your
shoulder 'till
I can feel no tears
left to cry...
You are mine forever...
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,487 Reviews
I have to admit, this was a bit simple for my taste. As Robin Williams states in Dead Poet's Society, sometimes the simplest things can be beauty--just make sure your poem isn't common. Love is a universal theme, you have to put your own twist to it to make it special.
--Elizabeth Browning.
Also, be wary of repeating words unless they are given a new meaning. It slows down the literature and makes it monotonous and a bit dry. A simple thesaurus or synonym finder will help with this.
This is true. I just assumed you meant the other one, but it just depends on how you want it to sound.
fire touched tongue
licking,
Now, I love the imagery that this made in my mind.
grasping for air
I like this part as well - both "gasping" and "grasping" fit well. But it depends on which one you'd rather - grasping as in physically trying to get a grip on something. Or gasping as in taking in breaths.
stealing away
at everything that
I gave you...
Yeah, I agree with the beforehand comment - how can someone steal away someting that's already been given to them?
you can never
hear
what my heart whispers
to your love-sick
being
Personally I love this part. Gives me goosebumps.
If I gave you the world, you'd
throw it down
to the hells below
but always
apologize when
I'd get down on my knees
and cry on your
shoulder 'till
I can feel no tears
left to cry...
You are mine forever...
I just love the ending as well. All in all a lovely poem which I rather like. Nothing majorly bad to point out.
Have A Nice Day.
Azrael.
Hello! I get the pleasure of reviewing your poem today
Just a couple of thoughts, to begin with:
I like this line: it gives me a good image. Only one suggestion: fire touched tongue makes me think it's a tongue that's been burned-is that what you meant? if not, you might consider taking the 'touched' out, and it would work, since fires can lick too.
Maybe 'gasping' for air would work better. It's just one letter, but 'grasping' is what limbs do, whereas 'gasping' is how one gets air.
This part did not really make sense to me-how can they steal it if you gave it to them? One more thing: I personally hate ellipses (the three dots, '...') in poems, they're unnecessary because you can use line breaks! This goes for all of them.
My favorite part.
This seems a bit redundant, 'no tears left to cry'. What do you do with tears if you don't cry them? So you could easily get rid of the last two words.
Sorry if this was a little harsh, I really did like the way you wrote this. Your grammar and spelling is up to par, which is nice. And the last line seemed resigned. Is that how you wanted it? If so, good job; I think that's a good feeling for the poem.
Overall, I think you definitely have a good poem, just needs a little polishing. Read it over a few times and listen to how it sounds in your head. Keep writing.