Check once, check twice, check three times
Dinner on table, children quiet
I fix my outfit and my hair
Everything is perfect
He walks in
Beautiful, rare smile upon his face
He hugs me & kisses me and tells me he loves me
What could ever make me leave this place
We eat dinner and the kids get ready for bed
He asks for tea
I’m tired from a long day’s work
But I agree gladly
Leave tea bag for three and one-half minutes
Two tablespoon of sugar, milk not cream
He drinks, I continued to clean up and he yells
He storms into the kitchen, what has caused him to scream
“You put cream in my tea” he tells me
I deny it and swear I did not
He grabs my hair
He wrings it into a knot
He drags me to the balcony
And threaten to push me over
“Don’t make me do this bitch. You know I love you.”
He turns me to face him, I stare in the eyes of my lover
In the house I go
He strikes me
But it’s is okay
I know I am to blame for this tragedy
He kisses my cheek
And say good night
I return to the kitchen
And I turn on the light
The milk sits on the counter
Besides the tea bags
I had put milk
Considering how much he nags
But that all didn’t matter now
It had been all my fault
I caused pain for the man I love
I was always my fault
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,028 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hyello
I really really liked this. It brought out the anger of domestic violence, and what goes on in the minds of those on the recieving end. However, there is one line I personally didn't care for: sixth stanza, third line.
"Don't make me do this bitch. You know I love you."
Cussing is thoroughly overused, and this poem is way better than that. Maybe just leave "bitch" out. In my head, it would be more rythematic. But that's just my outlook.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It was very good work.
*cccaitlin
Hyello
I really really liked this. It brought out the anger of domestic violence, and what goes on in the minds of those on the recieving end. However, there is one line I personally didn't care for: sixth stanza, third line.
"Don't make me do this bitch. You know I love you."
Cussing is thoroughly overused, and this poem is way better than that. Maybe just leave "bitch" out. In my head, it would be more rythematic. But that's just my outlook.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It was very good work.
*cccaitlin
Hello.
That was a very intriguing poem. Full of truth, yet told well. What I liked was the relaxation at the beginning, making you feel normal, safe and happy. What looks like a normal household, but really isn't.
I like the way, also, how you describe each character keeping them clear, and clean, making the day sound a normal stressful. Then adding the cliff hanger, of "what would make me leave", because the household sounds so normal.But it shows the way the writer is scared, truly of her own husband. Of what he does, yet she loves him so.
This is something that is hard to write, must come from within. and that I liked
well done.
Hey!
I liked this. The characters felt very real to me, and I could almost "see" the husband abusing the woman. Great job!
I would suggest adding the "the" in this line.
Please write the word out. The symbol just disrupts the poem a little.
Shouldn't this be threatens?
Overall, I liked this poem. Your story was developed very well.
Keep up the good work!
zOe
Hey Shakira ^^ Shina here for a review
Maybe adding "the" after "on"
The flow would work better as "up on"
You need to actually spell "and".
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I liked this poem ^^ But you need some more imagery and need to work on showing instead of telling.
-Shina
I think that the dialogue with
“You put cream in my tea” he tells me
is a little clumsy- you could try changing it to something like "Cream? in my tea?" and you would still know it was the husband talking, and understand his point and anger, but in a more subtle way.
I like the concept of this poem, but I do think the language is a little blunt and un-poetic, i think if you thought more about HOW you put across the character of this woman then WHAT exactly she is would be very clear.
(=
Hi there:
Stanza Two, Line Three:
"He hugs me & kisses me and tells me he loves me"
Why do you use the & sign? It does not fit in with the style of the rest of your poem. Why not write out the word - and.
The last line of your poem:
"I was always my fault" I'm not sure if this is a typo, or if it was what you actually intended to write.
Over all I think this is good, and it was easy to picture the sad, enabling, and submissive wife, and the "angry with himself", abusive husband.
I think the stark language you use suits the outlook of the woman.
-M.
Amazingly deep poem there!
The way you brought out the woman's suppression by her lover and how uncaring the guys was,was thought evoking.Towards the end the reader just cant help thinking why the lady puts up with so much nonsense.
The lady's devotion and the man not taking notice of it was developed very well.
Nothing much to criticize.
A perfect piece!