Published July 20, 2011
This is my first post here... It is that how hard you try and how things look perfect, your lover may fail you!
I hope you like it...
My Last Hand
It doesn't matter how hearts are cold
with all my bad cards I did never fold
My friend asked if I love she, but I've never answered with a me
It had always been a we.
Then you leave saying we are not meant to be
The reality that she was all in me… and the key
Unlocked the light I did hold
Through the night of cloudy threshold.
But then again I call you an angel
On which love I could gamble
Those things that exist to all eternity
Through life away from humanity.
Now that I know angels don't cry
Like a statue… A piece of art… but the story is a lie
Maybe I should have learned to fly
But I leave my passion to die.
The statue worships me and glances right into my soul to see
Believes that it has the right to be
A look the statue seems to keep
No more my mind will sweep.
Two hearts seem to complete the set
But with your flush I lost my bet.
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Thx Anas for your comment, the forgotten "I" was corrected, but the advanced part I may not agree with you because the reader doesn't have to get the same picture i have and i will prove that by explaining it for you and dani, adding to that other points he commented on. And hey... did writers care much for that in the Victorian age? And they still have the best writings which many students get different interpretations for.
"It had always been a we" we = as a couple, 1 soul... two bodies
"did hold" because it gives emphasis
"Those things that exist to all eternity
Through life away from humanity." You got it your own way, the meaning is too obvious to discuss!
"Like a statue… A piece of art… but the story is a lie" When there's an old statue, they will put the story behind that statue on a piece of rock or paper for tourists, etc...
"Maybe I should have learned to fly" to escape whenever i can!
"A look the statue seems to keep
No more my mind will sweep. I really don't get this bit here." The look of the one who broke up with may make you long for that person again.
As for you last question Anas, the point is that the "angel" the "person" you love, you may gamble on with your life. But because they are angels... they are away from humanity, which you may find out too late.
Hello Shagy,
I actually enjoyed it. You're poem is using an original approach which I have not encountered in a long while. The way you integrated Poker in your love story is wonderful; Poker players would find it quite enjoyable to relate to. Nevertheless, I have a few pointers:
Maybe I'm mistaken here but i believe the correct way would be 'If I loved/love she'....The use of the subject form of pronouns is very nice.
Here I do not get your point, what is the meaning you're getting through to the reader?
I loved your poem, but I believe that you should take into account that not all readers are advanced, make your meanings clearer. Oh and ps, Angels might not cry but they always deserve to die.
OK, so you've got a rollercoaster of a poem here. With that I mean, you'll need to rewrite it in my opinion. A lot of the lines make no sense, at least to me. Maybe I am just too stupid, but hey, a poet has to please even the peasant, right? Don't try to be fancy with your lines. If you think you're line could be shorter, then it should!
Hope this review helped a little, I'm sure others will chip in too!
Good luck!