Published January 9, 2009
A lurching heartbeat
Throb, the sweet memories,
Sweet grass flying through the air
Like green dandilion seeds
And lighting in our hair.
Fire and water
Matches, zippo, sticks
By the river
And hobo tents with shotguns
Dear friend.
Stagnant pond, the memories
Walk alone, far ahead
Slip in the mud to catch up
Something wrong, don't cry
All better, joy.
Gatorade and bags of chips
Music from cheap speakers
Or the old truck boombox
And fire on clothes
But they don't burn.
Frozen breath and fingers
Snow hurling 'cross the streets
A gang war
Fought with sticks and stones
Onlookers applaud, encore.
Thaw breath, hearts,
Melt away
Separate streams
Solitary salmon
Empty garage.
A bittersweet dream.
Summer of my life.
I've always loved Autumn best.
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I like the essence of it a lot, and that you didn't just stick to the romantic "campfire glowing, trees rustling" stuff but also included Gatorade and trucks. It was a nice combination. The imagery was great, but that being said, I felt the biggest weakness of the poem was that it was just a series of images with no clever connecting lines and no comparison to something bigger. Imagism is fine, but a requirement is that two images be compared, which gives the poem more meaning. So while I liked the images I felt they were nothing more than images, and I wanted a message. My suggestion would be to make it more of a story, or even write it as a real short story, making up characters and such. But something has to happen. Right now it doesn't hold up its own length. If you want to keep it a poem, I'd turn it into an extended metaphor of something, shorten it, make it complete sentences (maybe even give it meter, make it a sonnet?), and ditch the last line, which for me was a real let-down. It made a good ending and all, but it's like saying, "Baby, you are the most beautiful being to hit this Earth, the brightest start in the sky, the best person I've ever met, and I love someone else." It hurts.
So, hoped that helped! I enjoyed the memories and could relate, but as a poem it needs some work. It has a lot of potential, though, and I'd like to see a revised version. Keep writing!
-BFG