Sisters

I really like this poem. Actually, the first couple of lines spoke to me. I have a younger sister, and we sort of relate that way. Anyway, great poem! I've studied poetry for a while, and it's a hard category to critique because everyone has such different views of it and what it should be. Personally, I don't feel that all poems have to be a certain length and have a certain rhythm and rhyme. Poetry is about writing what you feel. What you did in this poem, at least to me, was convey thoughts outwardly, which is one way to do it, and isn't wrong. The length of the poem only provokes thought. I feel that shorter poems tend to provoke more thought than longer ones because there isn't much there to interpret. You have to delve into your own personal biases to get something out of it. I think the poem is great just the way it is and I hope to see some more!!

Both ideas ahead of me were spot on.

I think if you plan to rewrite it you should add more. Give us more, will you? Honestly this only made sense to me after reading Collie's critique, she understood it, I didn't. I think the metaphors were SO obvious, they went right over me. Didn't someone above say be more subtle? I agree.

Anyway, back to giving us more. You have so little here; what kind of emotion/feeling/thought am I supposed to be taking away from this? No clue. Try thinking of that before you rewrite it. (I'm assuming you plan to rewrite it, rather than edit it. It isn't worth editing, but maybe worth rewriting.)

It sounds so forced- I would suggest to drop the rhyming and work a little on the rhythm. The subject idea isn't bad at all, but if you want to turn it into something a little more memorable, try making it longer. Save giving away who the sisters are entirely until the very last stanza.
~Sumi

While I realize that the sun and moon were meant to parallel the two "sisters," the jump between the two topics was so sudden, and really not justified. Such a sudden change ruins the purpose of the metaphor; the jump actually makes it too obvious.

I suggest taking the rhyme out. It makes the poem sing-songy and the fact that the rhyme was so forced in the first stanza really takes away from it.

Instead of describing the two "sisters" and then jumping to what they are, sun and moon, the poem would be more effective and the metaphor more subtle if you set this in a specific scene. Pick a place, outside in your lawn, perhaps. What time of day is it? Who is there?
Present, subtly, the moon and sun, the contrast between them, the contrast between dark and light. Or describe two people who are sisters and incorporate some moon/sun or dark/light imagery to show the parallel. Whatever it is, create a specific and visual scene. This will make the poem more accessible for the reader, and ultimately more effective.

Colleen