Published August 7, 2007
Beautiful flower,
Glowing with life,
Pulsing with joy;
Struck by an icy wind,
The flower withers and dies.
Killed by winter's frost,
Only battered seed remains.
Life, living solely due to fear,
And in fear,
But alive.
Frozen in limbo,
Sheltered from pain by surrounding hurt,
The light of the world beats down and,
Chilled by the clear skies,
The ground hides the seed.
Still, the warmth around beams,
And slowly,
The cold ground thaws,
The seed becomes aware,
And opens.
Testing her new freedom,
Roots, a stem,
Penetrate the formerly cold shell.
Where once fear took root,
New life.
Breaking past the final barriers,
The seed reaches towards the warmth,
Greeting its old friend
And beginning to
Remember.
Encouraged by happiness
And seeing for the first time
Herself, surrounded by caring friends,
The seed
Roots deeper.
Seeing again the good in the world,
All the things that didn't hurt
And her likeness in another
The flower begins
Blossoming.
The flower, as it blossoms,
Recognizes the feelings,
And,
Remembering their ending,
Hesitates.
But the flower sees the others
And their confidence.
Her likeness transforms with them and,
Seeing him turn toward her,
The flower takes courage and
Blooms.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alright, I hope that wasn't too bad. Actually, I hope it was good. It's different than I usually write, but I felt it had to be done--a sort of companion to my depressed poems, providing a balance and solid sense of change. That is all I have to say, except please share your thoughts.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,447 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
o0. What's with the abuse of commas? And why are the linebreaks so arbitrary? Stop listing--start expressing. And please, steer clear of cliches like a cold wind withering the flowers!
This is a really cool concept. I especially like the line about "testing her new freedom" because that's when it goes from pure imagery to something narrative: you've given the flower some character, something more for the brain to chew on. It's nice.
However, I'm not exactly feelin' your enjambment here. I think that some of the ways that you've split up your lines, especially the isolated "and" lines, broke it up a little. It comes across as a little long vertically as well, and I think that pulling some of those lines together would help that. Over all, nice job, hope to see more from you soon.
I appreciated this poem and thought that it was pretty good. The metaphor was relatively simple, but elegantly so. I thought the poem was a little long for such a simple message and it might be improved by shortening it just a little. However, I liked how the metaphor became clearer and more pronounced as you went through the poem, and the length helped accommodate that, though I still think it would help the poem if you shortened it.
Wow, great poem! Keep writing in that style, I think you've found your calling!
yeah, so that's all nit-picky little stuff. write more and tell me when you post!