Young Writers Society

I didn't like it much... the rhyme scheme may be right and correct but I don't think it was, and I looked at it and tried to figure it out, but some of the words don't rhyme well enough.

And you have no punctuation, so you might want to fix that: Poetry & Punctuation

It just seemed non-expressive and redundant, imo. It didn't have any imagery, and I didn't feel anything. You're just doing a lot of telling, and it's just a grocery list of feelings and thoughts.

I suggest you read some more poetry ^_~ Check out some people on the forum like Fand, Incandescence, and Caligulas_launderette, they're all very, very good poets.

Best of luck!

This needs a little work. I'll try hard not to repeat what the others have already said. I know you said that lack of punctuation was intentional, but I'm not quite sure that works. I'd definetely rethink it, especially if you're unsure as to why you're omitting punctuation in the first place.
I'm not sure that the rhythm of the second line is right, and I think teh way it's phrased is a little off. Maybe try:
From which I've learned not to depart.
I'm not sure line four works (notably the use of the word "whom".) You've switched from the poem being a thing ("which") to a person ("whom") and it sounds a little odd.
Lines six to eight are better, and the imagery is nice, but I think your rhythm is a little off. Maybe try:
"Where sorrow dwelt,
Joy now unfolds".
I'd try to find a two sylabyl word for "harmony", as it's making your flow a bit jerky.
I think lines nine to twelve need to be reworked.To keep them, I'd try:
"My words are unburdened,
Unpressured by worry,
My spirit's uplifted,
Upheld by surety".
The ending was good, well phrased, good rhythm and rhyme, and it effectively brought the poem to a close.
Look at "mote", as it doesn't make any sense. Fusion is right, mote means speck, usually speck of dust. Use "might" or "may" instead. I think "may" is a little better.
Kit makes a good point about trying to engage your emotions, and thus those of the readers, more.I'd look into that. Hope that at least some of this is helpful.

To be honest, this seemed pretty repetitive and the rhyming was really forced in places. Here are a few changes I would make -

I write this poem from my heart
With which I've learned to never depart
I write this poem of my heart [You don't need this line. It's just a repitition of the first.]
With whom I hope to never part [And this line is basically the same as the second. Actually, this one's better so remove the second and keep the first line and this.]
Where once dwelt sorrow
Joy enfolds
Peace and harmony
Joy untold [Something other than joy here.]
My words unburdened
Unpressured of worry
My spirits uplifted
Upheld by surety
My words engrave into my heart
This is my will so mote it be
Let good fortune continue and never depart
My will be done and Blessed all Be.

The ending is cute but in general, I'd like to see more poetic imagery. Show the sorrow that you felt rather than just telling the reader about it and the same goes for the joy. The reader needs to be able to feel the emotions behind this piece. Work on it a little with that in mind and let me know if you do a re-write. Good luck with this,

Heather xx

"this is my will so mote it be" - doesn't mote mean a floating speck of dust? I didn't really get this line

Otherwise it's meant to be a kind of hymn of joy, yes?
I like it. It brightened my day.