Published November 4, 2008
Little girl, you've wandered so far...
Lost the light of your guiding star,
Blinded by darkness, tearing your eyes.
Nobody hears your desperate cries
As you stumble into the night.
The path you travel is broken and worn.
Your heart is beaten, your soul is torn.
No end in sight,
Filled with fright,
You reel through the night.
Then through the void you see a glow.
Though what it is you do not know--
This mourning star, this celestial mar.
It tells you what, not where, you are.
And what's more, it's in earth, not sky--
Not that your heart is near as high
As you stagger towards that light.
Closer you come, tighter the pain,
Your heart lurches, you're barely sane.
So fair once, strong, now estranged.
Oh blackened virtue, how you have changed;
Oh how you have fallen.
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139,447 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
"As you stumble into the night."
it was good, but just one thing, i feel that you dont need this line ,"As you stumble into the night." on the 1st stanza, it just doesnt sound right
otherwise good job
I have to say, this is much better. And I mean much better.
Wandering doesn't connotate well with terror, desperation, etc; first, you make it sound like the girl is aimlessly walking somewhere and then you switch to having her...almost running, of sorts. Choose one or the other, you cannot have both and still make it coherent.
This ending has vastly improved - congratulations! You bring us to the climax just before dropping us to the ground once more, which leaves the reader breathless and truly catharthic.
I enjoyed reading this revision. This is art.
Little girl, you've wandered so far...
Lost the light of your guiding star,
Blinded by darkness, tearing your eyes.
Nobody hears your desperate cries
As you stumble into the night.
Wonderfull start, sad, captivating
The path you travel is broken and worn.
Your heart is beaten, your soul is torn.
No end in sight,
Filled with fright,
You reel through the night.
This is so sad, but wonderfully writen
Then through the void you see a glow.
Though what it is you do not know--
This mourning star, this celestial mar.
It tells you what, not where, you are.
And what's more, it's in earth, not sky--
Not that your heart is near as high
As you stagger towards that light.
This seems slightly lighter than the other verses, but I love the description
Closer you come, tighter the pain,
Your heart lurches, you're barely sane.
So fair once, strong, now estranged.
Oh blackened virtue, how you have changed;
Oh how you have fallen.
Beautiful! This is truly and amazing peice of work. This is a kinda poor critique but there are not that many mistakes...or any at all.
s
Posted: Tue Nov 04, 2008 4:58 am Post subject: Fallen
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Little girl, you've wandered so far...
Lost the light of your guiding star,
Blinded by darkness, tearing your eyes.
Nobody hears your desperate cries
As you stumble into the night.
That's a brillient start, It is really sad, yet captivating.
The path you travel is broken and worn.
Your heart is beaten, your soul is torn.
No end in sight,
Filled with fright,
You reel through the night.
Same as the last verse, I cant really see anyuthing wrong, captivatind. The last line seemes a litlle long, but that's just me
Then through the void you see a glow.
Though what it is you do not know--
This mourning star, this celestial mar.
It tells you what, not where, you are.
And what's more, it's in earth, not sky--
Not that your heart is near as high
As you stagger towards that light.
This verse seems somewhat lighter than the previouse, still sad through.
Closer you come, tighter the pain,
Your heart lurches, you're barely sane.
So fair once, strong, now estranged.
Oh blackened virtue, how you have changed;
Oh how you have fallen.
Nice ending, I can really feel emotion in this poem (that sounds weir.lol) I cant really see any mistakes so this is a pretty poor critque, but you did a brilliant job!
This is such a great poem. I love the ryhming scheme, its a little different then then simple AA BB scheme a lot of people use. And the planetary and star imagery is good too