It seems like just yesterday,
Yet feels like eternity.
Even the frozen landscape
Will mar its own beauty
When static too long.
Yet still we weep
At the first patch of spring,
And mourn still until that patch blooms,
Evoking love for it
And its partners.
And throughout its long life
We do rejoice,
But to be aroused to further glee
By its colorful death.
Then the always welcome winter
Lays in on the land,
The opposite of scarce-mourned summer.
Change is the only constant;
And maybe this time,
You are the frozen one,
To spring forth from the thaw unwelcome,
But to be gradually accepted and loved,
Before dismissed in death.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Cadmium is right. Any rhymes in that poem are unintentional. The season thing: I don't know where it came from in my mind exactly. Some sort of analogy for cycles in life that just flowed out onto the paper. I don't really like using doth in it either, but I couldn't think of any other word at the time. Maybe right now I can think enough to find another term or something.
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I changed the doths and I added "Change is the only constant;" in an attempt to make it more connected.
Ink - I don't think shadowstorm meant to rhyme. Beauty and eternity don't rhyme.
This poem is very pretty-sounding, but it's too flat and straightforward. What exactly is being described here? Where is this going? What should the reader take away from this?
It was flat because it doesn't leave anything to the imagination. It lays out what happens very plainly and tries to explain it, even, to make a moral out of it. Let the reader take what he or she will take from this, rather than saying, "THIS IS WHAT THIS POEM MEANS. *explains season metaphors*"
Language - go one way or the other. "Doth" is annoyingly archaic, but you don't maintain that kind of language throughout. If you're going for that Shakespearean-type feel, use that language throughout the whole poem. It might still be annoying, but it would be consistent. Alternately, take it all out.
Colleen
I get about half of what you were trying to say. I think that there were mixed feelings while you were writing this? It sort of seems like you were trying to tell too much with too little and you really didn't describe. The words are great though and so are your analogies.
After some hard thought maybe, you could add sort of a climax? Lead from one feeling to the next so it flows better and doesn't seem to jostled. That'll do it. Then this could turn out to be a poem with great words AND great and clear meaning.
PM me if you have any comments.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
I didn't really understand it, but it's very interesting. Perhaps the unevenness is intended for effect, but the long lines make the others seem choppy and unfinished.
I'm wondering if you started out with a rhyming intention with the first stanza- you rhyme "beauty" and "eternity".
Overall, I would give it 8/10.
~Ink