Published November 26, 2008
How old had I been, when I was ripped from the arms of my mother? Mortal was I, but only half, and the demon blood lay dormant. In ignorance they took me, seeking only to save me,a helpless babe, from a demon, no doubt bent on stealing souls.
So in ignorance I was raised.
A man by the name of Tanneth Wintry, neither old nor young, took me into his home, to be raised as his own. He was wifeless, and childless, save for me, so no one feigned surprise when he named me heir to the legacy that was his; The Riders, an infamous company of Bounty Hunters, whose glory spread near world-wide. Though he was but father to me, he was Captain Wintry to all else, a position that held dwindling respect.
If there are those who remembered the days of peril, when the Bounty Hunters were much sought after, there are those who don't, living instead in the comfort of our City's new ease; warless and prospering. Give them their comforts I say, for it is all we have. I lived in the comfort of home and hearth, raised among the wealthy, as the wealthy, even if I was not. Barley had I crossed the threshold of childhood, into the awkward world of adolescence, did I realize my fate. Raised like a high-prized horse, I was honed until I shone like a star. Educated, sophisticated, comely and obedient; all the makings of a good wife, if not a bought one.
If I was the former, I was initially the latter.
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139,517 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm well this is quite a fun start here. There is a very interesting sort of light fairy tale like vibe here to this particular story as you're spelling it out here and I am loving the way that you've managed to bring things to light in that manner. It adds to an already intriguing premise to make for a very interesting start here to this piece. Needless to say I am definitely already sort of hooked what with the general tone of things and the very causal way that some very interesting terms are getting tossed about here.
Well...that ending was quite something as well. It sorted of ended up twisting towards a direction that I definitely did not see coming and well, I think you've gone and pulled off a very solid ending there nonetheless. It definitely took me a bit by surprise given where this seemed to be going initially but this is no less intriguing and I think you've done a good job of painting this whole situation here too. So overall, I'd say you've done a very solid job here with this particular situation.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This would be much better if (can't believe I'm going to say this) you drag it out. Instead of telling us everything, make it a STORY, as I'm sure you meant to. Add dialogue, setting, character development, the works! This is what you would basically read on the back of a book, telling us what it's going to be about.
Now, I liked your introduction. Sounded like a poem, almost. You could use that, maybe make it a theme throughout the book, you know?
My biggest problem with this was that it was CONFUSING. It's a huge info-dump, and I'm scrambling to both remember and understand all that you've told me. So, as I said, add the aspects of fiction literature to it. SHOW, not TELL.
Feel free to PM me if/when you've edited. I'm excited to see what you do with this. You have some good ideas.
KJ
I see everything pointed out so I will just give my opinion on your prologue.
also, is this a necessary read for the rest of the book? It is interesting, but rather short. Hope to see more from you in the future.
I have to say you get better more into the story and so that works for you. I just think it is a bit plain, could it be spiced up?
One other point which caught my eye..
Stella, I see your view on this point. However, it is her story and she is the one who writes what they do and think. This is the character thinking. If this is how she speaks than why criticize her for trying to make her character different from just plain people?
Everyone else who reviewed already has pointed out everything I was going to, so my review will be rather short.
I did like what I read, but I agree with Leapy and Stella. It's okay to take your time. Everything your character mentioned was interesting on its own, but like Stella said-you gotta give us a little more meat! A reader can get bored if there isn't enough information. I know that when I look for a book, I want to be able to make friends with the characters; and that means those characters have to open up to me.
With your character, it felt like she wanted to talk, but at the same time she didn't. Like she was afraid, shy, or that she felt like we weren't worth her time to open up to.
I would like to see more of it though, the points you mentioned did catch my attention if even just for a second before moving on to the next thing.
~Thealyn
Hey there SB! I'm Stella, and I'd like to welcome you to YWS!
This is a community, and as such, we have a few rules to keep things ticking over. One of those is that for every piece of your own work, you review two other people's. It's only fair! So could you please do that for me?
Now, onto the critique!
I. NITPICKS
Mortal he may be, but Yoda he is not. In conventional English, subject, verb, object. You may think this sounds archaic, but it just doesn't work.
Get rid of one of the commas, it depends on you which you'd prefer to keep.
Peut-etre capitalize "Father."
Huh? Confusion emerges. Break it up. Also, don't bounty hunters seek others? And they look for their work, rather than being given it, no?
Barely
No comma after childhood.
First of all, ooooh, it's a girl. And second of all, I don't like this line.
Right so...
II. INFO-DUMPING?
A prologue should always be a taster. This is more kind of explanation. Look at it. You are constantly introducing new concepts into your story, and your reader gets jumbled. If you want to keep it all in, then stretch the paragraphs out, explain each fully before you move to the next. It's either one extreme or the other, and you're somewhere in the middle.
III. FORMALITY
Doesn't always sound as good as you might expect. Lax it a little! Let her relax for a bit, this is so stiff that it's very difficult to connect, and isn't that the first thing you should try to do, let your reader connect with your characters?
IV. OVERALL
It wasn't bad, I'm just harsh. Just some tweaking needed. You seem to have an interesting story to work on here!
Hope I've helped, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella.
hello, shadowbox..
hmm..sounds interesting, especially about the part how you were separated from your mother at a young age. it must be hard to live that way.
i love how you use irony, like "in ignorance i was raised", "neither old nor young" , "if i was the former, i was initially the latter"..
keep it up.
god bless..
I see your points
I actually have 10,000 words written for this. Written and re-written and written again.
I see your points
Hey i really like this.
It is well written and desriptive yet still suspenceful enough for me to be encouraged to read on.,
However i did notice one thing i would consider changing
I think this sentecne is a bit to long. It doesnt quite fit the fluid style (im sorry if i appear to be overly critical)
I would suggest perhaps altering it to something like this
He was wifeless, and childless, save for me. No one feigned surprise when he named me heir to the legacy that was his; The Riders. An infamous company of Bounty Hunters, whose glory spread near world-wide.
But hey its only my opinion.
Keep up the good work.
Ok! First off I'd like to remind you of the 2:1 ratio on posting and reviews, just remember the more you review the more people will review your work. ^.^
Now on to the Critt.
In ignorance they took me, seeking only to save me,a helpless babe, from a demon, no doubt bent on stealing souls.
This just seems like an endless sentence to me, you might try and break it up. Plus you need a space between "..me, a helpless..."
Maybe you could try something like: [/i]In ignorance they took me; seeking only to save me, a helpless babe, from a demon- no doubt bent on stealing souls.[/i]
Just a suggestion.
He was wifeless, and childless, save for me, so no one feigned surprise when he named me heir to the legacy that was his; The Riders, an infamous company of Bounty Hunters, whose glory spread near world-wide
Wow, that was a mouth full! Anther hugely run on sentence. You don't have to cram all the information in one sentence- take your time. Your stuffing about three different things into one sentence: Him being a loner, making you heir, and explaining these Bounty Hunters. Spread it out some.
He was wifeless and childless- save for me. So no one feigned surprise when he named me heir to the legacy that was his; The Riders. They were an infamous company of Bounty Hunters, whose glory spread near world-wide
Well that's all I will point out now; but please just take your time and use alot of sentences! Its ok. Dont cram too much information in one sentences only seperating by commas.
I hope you do continue this, because I would like to read what the point of her having demon blood is in all this.