I wonder Why

Hello there.
Honestly speaking. I did not like this. I’m sorry. It has an excess of grammatical mistakes. When I say excess I mean EXCESS. Do you use notepad for writing stuffs? If you do then you might want to move to an application which has a spell-check option to it. And while posting your poem on YWS, check it and doubly check until YOU are satisfied. And now to the poem. It felt like it was a mere conversation between the narrator and the reader. It was not poetic. And even if it were poetic at some places, the grammar ruined all of it.
Some nitpicks:

I wonder why i cry somtimes #4000FF ">I wonder why I cry sometimes.
i cry when my mother said she hates me #4000FF ">I cried when my mother said she hates me.
i cry when my dad yells at me #4000FF ">I cried when my dad yelled at me
i cry when my older brother never came home #4000FF ">I cried when my older brother never returned home

i feel like im teaching myself on my own #4000FF ">Capitalize the I and there'll be an apostrophe in I'm. When you say you are teaching yourself then it means that you are teaching yourself on your own. So the "on my own" is not needed.
family honestly mean nothing to me #4000FF ">Family, honestly means nothing to me
but i do consider my freinds my family #4000FF ">but I consider my friends to be my family
so when you ask me what dose family mean 2 me #4000FF ">So when you ask me what does family mean to me?
ill say they treat you like crapt they hate you #4000FF ">I’ll say they treat you like crap they hate you. You jumble things up over here. You call your friends your family right above this line and you say that your family does not treat you well. So many readers may think that you are talking about your friends over here. So try being a bit clear.
more than anything

intill then i keep my friends #4000FF ">It's "until".
as my family and so for that reason their are #4000FF ">as my family and so that there are
no more beatings
so when my real family arrives
ill be relieve and wonder why i sat their and cried #4000FF ">I’ll be relieved and wonder why I sat there and cried

The begining is great. Thenbyou start to write like my brother. My brother is ten. With a learning disability. No offense but seriously. Everyone is right. Grammar dude. Grammar. Not to mention nyour topic is cliche, your words are cliche, and the way you wrote this makes you seem shallowly materialistic. I know you can do better. Do better. Seriously.

Just, well, hmmm... I can't even go into the poem itself here, I didn't check, are you new? Although I'm sure we all love the rainbow, we would prefere BLACK text, chat speak is a no-no, and you need to capitalise your 'i's
I'm not even going to think about the poem without all the errors.




I wonder why I cry sometimes,
I cry#FF0000 ">ed when my mother said she hate#FF0000 ">d me,
I cry#FF0000 ">ed when my dad yell#FF0000 ">ed at me,
I cry#FF0000 ">ed when my older brother never came home.

I feel like I'm teaching myself on my own, #FF8000 ">If you teach yourself, you teach on your own, so saying teaching myself on my own, is just repeating yourself.
family honestly mean nothing to me,
but I do consider my friends my family,
so when you ask me what does family mean to me,
I'll say they treat you like crap, they hate you,
more than anything.

#FF8000 ">You're basically contradicting yourself here, you say you consider friends your family, and then say family (i.e your friends) treat you like crap!

Until then I#FF0000 ">'ll keep my friends as my family,
and so for that reasonthere are no more beatings,
#FF0000 ">and when my real family arrives
I'll be relieved and wonder why I sat there and cried.[/quote]

Keep up the writing!

~Tinkem

*this is edited upon xoCairo's great post.

Hi There Spp. I'm Sol and I'm going to be your reviewer today. Okay, I like what you're talking about in this poem, it's something unusual and reminds me of someone... xD but that's out of topic. Now, you should check out what you write after you fininish it, there are lots of grammar errors. D8 You know, make drafts! I won't say anything about the puntuation because poems don't have to "wear" them, but it would be nice. I have to admit I didn't like puntuation in poems before. xD

sgppoetry wrote:#0000BF ">I wonder why i cry somtimes
i cry when my mother said she hates me
i cry when my dad yells at me
i cry when my older brother never came home

so when you ask me what dose family mean 2 me

ill say they treat you like #FF0000 ">crapt they hate you

#FF0000 ">intill then i keep my friends

as my family and so for that reason #FF0000 ">their are

#FF0000 ">ill be relieve and wonder why i sat their and cried

So, this is almost unreviewable because of the bad grammar and such; but I'll give you my impressions anyway.

So, looking past the blue font, notably easy-to-catch mistakes, and 'I's you neglected to capitalise, this poem shows promise. Your first stanza rings with emotion. The others have promise- they are very sad. You obviously have some sort of experience you're drawing from, and the pain is tangible.

However, it is nearly impossible to take this seriously and give it a good review. If you would like an in depth review, please fix this up and then shoot me a PM. Right now, the chatspeak and complete lack of editing distracts me.

Good luck!

-Tori

Hi there. Lavvi in to review.

Okay. You need to fix your writing. Chatspeak is not acceptable anywhere in YWS except as a joke. It also draws away from the real point of your poem because the audience focus more on the spelling/grammatical errors than the poem's substance. It looks unprofessional and nothing can be taken seriously with these mistakes.

When you've fixed that, I'll come back.

Yours,
Lavvi

To add on to what Cario said, I think you should also Re-read your pieces before posting it, it would probably make you realize your silly mistakes. but on the other hand, you unpunctualized I's could be symbolic of how you feel like a no body. but still, re-read. I'll repeat, re-read your pieces befoer you post them.

Also i'd work on your structure a little bit, it will get the reading interested a little bit more. I would add some punctuations, but if not its fine. Your story is pretty sad though. cheer up.

I wonder why #BF0000 ">I cry #BF0000 ">sometimes (This line made me wonder... if you explain it in the next two lines, you don't need this one... Maybe change it from a 'wonder'/question to a statement)
#BF0000 ">I cry when my mother said she hates me
#BF0000 ">I cry when my dad #BF0000 ">yells at me #BF0000 ">(You changed tenses here... you go from past in the last line to present in this and past in the next. Try to keep it consistent.)
#BF0000 ">I cry when my older brother never came home

#BF0000 ">I feel like #BF0000 ">I'm teaching myself on my own
family honestly mean nothing to me
but #BF0000 ">I do consider my #BF0000 ">friends my family
so when you ask me what #BF0000 ">does family mean #BF0000 ">to me
#BF0000 ">I'll say they treat you like #BF0000 ">crap, they hate you
more than anything

#FF0000 ">Until then #BF0000 ">I keep my friends #BF0000 ">(Until what...? Change to 'for now,' perhaps?)
as my family and so for that reason #BF0000 ">there are
no more beatings
so when my real family arrives
#BF0000 ">I'll be #BF0000 ">relieved and wonder why #BF0000 ">I sat #BF0000 ">there and cried #BF0000 ">(Same comment as the first line...?)