Published July 26, 2008
Thinly veiled blinded ghosts
parading through streets at midnight
clueless, following the stars
losing astronomy to every light.
The street lamps aren’t afraid
but only when they cannot see
that the streets and the roads shudder
with every movement
of the lifeless, marching feet.
Butterfly dreams wasting
below the wishing stars,
folded wings inside of cocoons
daring them to come out -
like children of nights when
the lonely ones trot.
Golden scepters in their hands
covered with blood,
whispering prayers to one god
they will never believe in.
To the ends of the earth
for these ghosts to lie down.
In harmony with the slave
and to his masters, the sound
of a giant sickle harvesting
the endless fields of endless ghosts.
The cold betrays their presence
to those who haven’t joined them.
For well beyond those empty eyes
and empty hearts, you will find
the broken remnants of broken men.
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141,724 Literary Works • 675,618 Reviews
Wow. This was quite good. Wise choice of words and good imagery.
The first stanza was slightly confusing though, especially the line "losing astronomy to every light."
But overall, it was good. 7 out of 10.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hey, just one typo I noticed -
"Golden scepters in their hands" it should be "Golden sceptres in their hands"
Also the line - "the broken remnants of broken men." I think the double up of the word broken is a bit too much here, perhaps lose the first one?
Otherwise, I felt that the poem was rather haunting. It reminded me of the feelings someone would get being in a haunted house or such. Great poem!
This is a very interesting poem. Some parts are a little abstract, which isn't a bad thing, but overall it's pretty good =) Not too bad for a fourteen-year-old. The flow is a little weird at some parts I think because its like where you jump down to the next line, that said line could have continued on the one above it. Do you know what I mean? It sounds confusing but I don't really know how else to describe it lol, so sorry if that gets a little confusing. But other than that, like I said I think it's a pretty interesting poem, and I guess the poem is just fine =) it's only the sturcture that may need impoving. If you so desire that is, it's not like it's a must need-to-fix typo or something.