I consider this my 'first' poem, I have done some other ones but they were for practice and none were really finished. Critique!
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To lie in endless wait, I did
Beneath the airy sky tonight
With the birds flying their midnight flight.
Not a sound, not a wave,
Not a flap of wing gave
Not a tone of resonance,
Only the silence of the night
On its quiet, deathly flight.
In fields of shadows, I lied
For the moment to come,
The moment to ride
To take me away, far far away
Where no light comes forth
And all my dreams come forth.
Swirling colors of endless haze -
Take me away into an endless maze.
Far away as the eye can see,
Farther away where the mind can see
Anything that comes across it.
Sandman, come visit me now,
So I will lie as dormant as a plow.
So, now none has come, and all has fallen
For deep slumber was a-calling
To all those still awake tonight -
Fly away, and sleep alright.
This poem seems to be a prisoner of its own rhyme. I think a better attempt on this idea might be better made in free verse.
Other than that...gaah I can't give a critique that makes sense today. The punctuation, yes, that was annoying.
Try putting it in free verse. I think it would be worth the effort.
Colleen
What annoyed me somewhat was the punctuation. Either use it right, or don't use it at all. I know poetry doesn't have any rules and all, but the bad punctuation took away from the piece, as I was more concentrated on that. I would suggest for you to go over it again, double-check it and add some commas here and there. For your 'first poem', it was pretty good. Some of the rhymes were weak and empty, but it told a great story, and your use of wrods created some fantastic images in my head.
sezPez wrote:To lie in endless wait, I did
Beneath the airy sky tonight
With the birds flying their midnight flight.
Not a sound, not a wave,
Not a flap of wing gave
Not a tone of resonance,
Only the silence of the night
On its quiet, deathly flight.
sezPez wrote:In fields of shadows, I lied
For the moment to come,
The moment to ride
To take me away, far far away
Where no light comes forth
And all my dreams come forth.
Swirling colors of endless haze -
Take me away into an endless maze.
Far away as the eye can see,
Farther away where the mind can see
Anything that comes across it.
sezPez wrote:Sandman, come visit me now,
So I will lie as dormant as a plow.
sezPez wrote:So, now none has come, and all has fallen
For deep slumber was a-calling
To all those still awake tonight -
Fly away, and sleep alright.
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