Young Writers Society

Hi there sevynpetronella! I'm here for a quick review on this interesting piece!

I'm getting a lot of prose poetry vibes from this, which is definitely less common on this site, so that's fun always fun to see! I like how you use alliteration in the opening two lines, with "relatable rhythm" and "tired try" - especially the first one, as using alliteration can actually cause a bit of a rhythm in writing, so the writing almost mirrors the meaning of the words.

While I do think the use of line breaks and then a paragraph is interesting, I feel like the transition is a little abrupt -> the reader just decides to read it like a poem, before suddenly getting immersed in prose. It's just a bit confusing, I guess. I also think that if you're wanting to go the route of formatting the piece more prose-ish, I'd suggest making sure you encorporate imagery, simile, or metaphor, so that there's still a somewhat poetic vibe.

For example, there's some great potential in the term "cosmos"; perhaps you could incorporate some universe / outerspace imagery? I certainly think that'd fit the overall tone of the piece.

I think perhaps the "paragraph" part of the work is a bit too verbose / convoluted, as it's just sort of hard to follow. There's nothing wrong with being round-a-bout and figurative, but I'd still suggest trying to use slightly simpler or more direct language.

Overall, this is an interesting premise! I'm liking the alliteration and I think incorporating some outerspace imagery could be really cool. I hope this is useful, and if you've got any questions feel free to ask!

whatchamacallit

Hi @sevynpetronella I'm here to do a short review for you, so lets get into it, Warning I have never reviewed Art before so this, mite be a bad review, sorry ahead of time.
First of, I am a little concerned for you, I no that when someone writings something like this it can some times because something is happening in there life witch mite be making them anger or unhappy, sorry about this any ways, I also want to welcome you to the site *Follows*

The songs of an unhappy soul emanate a relatable rhythm.

Society might find that the lesser effort speaks louder and commands the highest recognition,

Hi there! Niteowl here to review.

Overall, I'm not sure what this work is meant to be, so it's hard to critique. The beginning uses line breaks and poetic devices such as alliteration, which would suggest a poem, but then it goes into a more prose-like format. If you wanted it to be a poem, I would suggest continuing to use line breaks and poetic devices, but if you wanted it to be a story or essay, I would put it all in paragraph form and then expand on your ideas.

The first two lines seem to be talking about someone stuck in a routine, constantly unhappy but too tired to do anything about it. Then in the sentence, it seems to jump to the idea that people who put in less effort are often rewarded by society while those who toil go unrecognized. Then we end on something about reciprocity, which doesn't make much sense to me in context.

There's a lot of interesting ideas here, but none of them are really developed enough. I think the strongest part of this is the first two lines that use alliteration to talk about the repetitive nature of someone stuck in an unhappy life. I would build upon that-who is struggling and why? How did they get caught in this routine? What are they doing day to day? Is there any hope for escaping the drudgery. This piece is entitled "Lost Boy" so it might help to use that title to build a character and storyline.

As a side note, the ending sentence is way too long and contains lots of commas and semicolons. While there are looser rules in poetry with respect to grammar, this makes it unwieldy and hard to understand. I would rewrite as shorter sentences to make it easier to read.

Overall, the ideas have potential and I'd love to see them fleshed out a little more. Keep writing and welcome to YWS!