"Get him some water," The nurse ordered the lady.
I gratefully accepted the cool drink and downed it quickly.
My supposed mother stroked my head which I found quiet unnerving considering I couldn't remember her and she was just a stranger to me. But I didn't want to upset her again so I let her continue to baby me no matter how akward I felt.
I had a bandage wrapped around my head and my chest was wrapped up quite tightly. One leg had a cast and the other a large bandage. My arms seemed fine except for the occasional stiching. So far I hadn't felt any pain, but then again I was mostly numb. The biggest problem was not remembering anything. Including my name even though my mother had said it to me.
"We weren't expectin' you to wake up for anotha' day or so." Said the nurse coming over to check my bandages. "You's was in a pretty bad coma there sir."
"What happened?" I asked trying to pull myself up a bit.
"You got hit by a car baby." My "mom" said quietly as if she were talking to an infant.
"A nineteen eighty-eight Ford ranger to be exact." added a deep voice blandly.
I suspected it came from the man I had seen in the back of the room earlier. He was still hunched over in his chair and he had a scowl on his face.
He had a long gray white beard and bushy white eyebrow that nearly covered his eyes. They would have been hard to see anyway thanks to all the wrinkels around them. He looked to be around eighty or so. He definately had the truck driver look, with the beer belly and faded stain covered overalls.He also was the crankiest old man I'd ever seen. The scowl seemed permenately etched on his face.
"Now who are you?" I asked, "My dad? Grandfather?"
The man grunted and crossed his arms over his burly chest.
My mom stopped stroking my hair and burst into a fresh set of tears. "That's the man who hit you." she cried breathlessly.
It was clear I couldn't remember anything...
A few hours later I was awakened by the nurse who brought me some medicine and clean bandages.. You have a visitor," she said in an overly cheerful voice. She gestured out the doorway where a very attractive girl stood shyly.
"You can come in now deary, he's awake." said the nuse as she finished fixing my IV and left the room.
The girl walked in slowly and as she did I saw how beautiful she was. She came into the room with expectant eyes. As if she knew me, I didn't know her. She had beautiful blonde hair, not platinum blonde , more of a golden blonde. They fell in long soft curls. Her eyes were beautiful too. A deep hazel with flecks of gold. She literally took my breath away. I would have remembered her...or at least I thought so.
"Who are you?" I asked groggily.
Tears spilled from her eyes...
End of chapter
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140,238 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
There;s one punctuation mistake that's all over this chapter:
If you're ending a spoken line with something like "said" or "added", in this case, you must must MUST use a comma instead of a period to finish the speech: "A nineteen eighty-eight Ford Ranger, to be exact," added..."
I noticed you used the same description for Emily's hair as you did in the first chapter: golden blonde. Why not shake it up with a metaphor or simile (Her hair was like ribbons of sunshine, for example). In fact, I think you should try and see where you could add these kind of literary devices throughout your story, as they add colour and character. I find you tend to narrate the story in a very straight-forward sort of way. While this can be good sometimes, it can become dull if it isn't balanced out with detailed descriptions and interesting lines.
I really like the idea to this story. My biggest nitpick would have to be that your chapters are way to short and do not have enough description. I'm sorry if that is all you are hearing from everyone but its the truth. Please add more description in your next chapter. Overall I like this story and want to continue to read it. Please take in what people critique you on. Keep up the good work and keep writing.
EEEPP. I like! A little short, you could have put two and three together, but that's alright!
I loved the ending! It was so...., great!
-Errors.
Like I said last chapter, *sigh* never begin a sentence with and or but. Please fix those.
I felt as if you could have put more information about the guy who hit him, or just left him out completly. You kind of rushed with all of that, one second it was talking about the man who hit him, then it went to a few hours later. I did some back tracking to figure out what happened. I was like "Wait a minute, wasn't I just reading about the man who hit jake?" I would fix that if I was you.
I also felt as if you could have described Emily more. Told us(readers) about how pretty she was through Jakes eyes. Just a thought.
Overall I liked chapter 2 and 3. A little short, but not all chapters are long. I'm waiting for chapter 4