The three of them walked casually towards the city. Anyone who happened to be passing by would just think that an Egyptian girl was taking a stroll with her slaves. However, if it had been anyone that knew Gillia and her family she might have been in trouble.
Everyone who knew Gillia and her family knew that they did NOT believe in slavery and had none of thier own. This was considered very strange and her and her family were often looked down upon because of it. By the time they had reached the city, the sun had set and the dark clouds were taking over the sky. They headed over to Gillia's house.
"Gillia?" called a familiar voice.
"Father!" cried Gillia in delight.
"Rea, is that you?" Said Gillia's father as he embraced her.
"Yes" said Rea meekly.
"My we haven't seen you since the double work order for slaves was set in motion." said Gillia's father.
"Not to mention the cut of water rations," offered Codian.
"Yes, that to," laughed her father.
"We're not here for idle chat," said Rea. "We're here on important business."
"Is that so?" said Gillia's father turning back to his work. "What's the important business?"
"Moses visited the pharoh agian and if you don't get everything of value in it's all going to be destroyed in a giant hailstorm!" said Rea. She had to stop to take a few quick breaths before she was able to continue. "We'll help you anyway we can sir," she said.
"Oh bother that Moses fellow what does he have agianst the pharoh? or the Egyptians for that matter, Jina, Corlia come here my darlings." called her father.
"Yes father what is it?" At the door stood a tall girl with short black hair and glittery brown eyes. An older woman came to the window, she looked alot like the younger girl only older.
"What is it Zirian?" the woman said tiredly.
"Hurry take the horses in, I'll take care of the rest of the harvest, hurry!" Zirian turned away as if to hide his worry.
"We can still help," offered Rea.
"No, go home, I don't want you two to be outside when his storm hits," said Gillia's father.
"It's okay, the hail can't hurt us," said Codian almost smugly. "Hush" hissed Rea. "May God bless you!" called Rea with a wave. Gillia and her father did not return the blessing.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So first of all I have to say I did not read the first two parts of this so if I say something silly because I should have known something from having read those two parts then sorry in advance. So taking this as a whole the setting was not at all clear immediately and I think maybe you may have established it earlier but even then it seems they are entering a new place so I would expect some more descriptions than the measly amount we have here. And also in some places the dialogue did not feel quite as natural as it should have. It sounds strange and almost scripted in some parts.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that is very interesting that's for sure. A really nice way to start things off. I hope that maybe me not reading the first two parts won't effect this start too much because it looks like we are supposed to know who Gillia is.
Well that is a really interesting time period to go into and talk about. I'm not sure if this is historically accurate because I don't know but it does seem like a wonderful character set to go with, and having them rebel against slavery is a wonderful thing.
Okayy I think me being confused by the influx of names is probably because I haven't read the first parts but other than that it does seems like a pretty natural start to a conversation that could happen in real life.
Well that seems like a pretty interesting development although it looks like pharaoh and again were misspelled.
Those should be against and pharaoh.
Okay that seemed a little out of the blue. I got no sense of any sort of hurry from the other characters.
Interesting statement because hail is usually pretty bad for you.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was still a pretty neat concept that you've got here and I did enjoy reading it somewhat. It had some pretty interesting things mentioned and it appears to be set in Egyptian Times which is also pretty cool to imagine. A couple of things that I already mentioned which seemed off to me. Other than that, it was pretty good.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
TheNewHero, here to review!
Emotion
Setting
Dialogue
Names
My general impression of this piece is that it was by far too short, too brief, too undefined. I understand that the Bible doesn't narrate things in a personal form and is not a novel, but this is and you don't have to be so... rigid. Explore a bit.
Here are some things you should develop (I'll try and keep this brief):
A Hurricane is coming! Where is the fear? Where is the dread? Where is the cursing or the praise? These two kids must show more emotion besides just their rushed voices. The only character with some emotion is their father. He darns Moses which is unexpected and interesting. You could really extend this piece by adding emotion. And how would you add emotion?
Setting = Atmosphere = Stronger Dialogue = Emotion. Setting = Emotion. Of course, we know this is Egypt and you don't have to describe the dust rising into the air. That's too physical. Try for a more abstract description. Okay, you have a gloomy scene here, for example. The sky is dark. But for some reason the Egyptians don't seem to notice? You could even strengthen the father's personality by having him say how worried he was that the girls were gone and he saw a storm approach. And then they could explain it is Moses' doing. But that's just me intruding. Nonetheless, use your setting.
This is the least of your problems, in fact it is perfect. But the reason I include it in here is because your dialogue, being the most noticeable part of your writing, let's us see just how much a story is evolving. By simply reading where a character is and what they say, we should be able to work out (roughly) what a scene is about. You did this. But there was so little else involved in the dialogue that it made us realize just how short the whole piece is. Not necessarily a bad thing, but that makes you wonder: Can this author fit real emotion into this one scene?
I really have no dominion or even a say in the naming of your characters. I won't pretend to say you could use more 'English' names like Jacob or Benjamin because I understand how that could confuse between different stories. But take this from someone reading your story for the first time, your names are a tad confusing. A name is supposed to present character, even better than eye or hair colour ever could. Compare Jack Ryan to Cecil Nevilles to Percy Longbottom. Jack Ryan might be a hunter, right? Cecil Nevilles might be some archaeologist or otherwise cultural person. Percy Longbottom is obviously very different from Jack Ryan. I don't know where you got your names from, but I don't really think it would be harmful to sway from being perfectly specific in naming and just choose a name that easier describes character or is easier to remember. Either that, or your characters should strike us so well we can't help but remember their names. Don't put too many syllables and consonants as well.
Good idea, but not written to what I might fancy. I've noticed this is how many of your pieces are written and I assume this might be your style. If it is, then feel free to totally discard my suggestions because if it is how you write then that's how YOU write.
God bless,
TheNewHero