what happened on those nights when my knife was to my throat
thinking about life's futility
Dreams shattered like porcelain on hardwood
And you would be there to pull me out of it?
forced smiles is all we can manage now
Procrastination is a sin i could bear
talking & laughing at 1 instead of reviewing scansion
viewed through the rose-colored glow of past
forgetting about pain one text a time
people sometimes joked
that i was in love
maybe you thought that too
maybe that's why you tried to distance yourself
but that doesn't describe anything other than a word
A self-created hell
that has no meaning to me
falling is more apt
someone can be an older sister to you
and you will love them like one
and they can be your friend
and be a mentor
and be an inspiration
when life is beautiful yet empty
shattering before me
like mirror fragments in the bathroom
In front of my words
when i was trying to bridge the gap
reach out
show my gratitude
for having my life
which you saved
but every time
you helped
maybe you also cut yourself
on the same shards
that i left behind
or that i spilled on front porch
when i slammed the door in your face
so many times
I could regret later
I wish this could go back
to late night talks
when my caged bird could fly
free of interference from life
dreaming with our hearts
but you took those fragments
and threw them everywhere
so everyone could have my vulnerabilities
Spread out on printed paper
inkblots on my former life
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,026 Literary Works • 672,767 Reviews
Hello there!! I know I said I'd try not to review this, but alas, the only review you have is subpar and I think this deserves a quality review. So here I am for this lovely poem of yours.
First of all, you've got a lot of metaphors here and they're all wonderful! Each one has its own beauty, connecting to different feelings. In fact, I think this piece does a wonderful job of encapsulating all the feelings that go into a friendship like this--from regret to reminiscence.
But while the wildness of the metaphors does represent the chaos of the concept, I find myself thinking that it might be a bit too all over the place. Honing in on a few specific metaphors might make the overall piece stronger: right now, you're trying to say everything, but sometimes it's better to say one thing with passion. A piece about the regrets the narrator has, a piece about the bittersweet memories. Right now, the reader gets everything in small bits, but we want deep feelings.
Just some smaller critiques:
I think you could take out the bolded words to make it a bit more concise. After all, the narrator left those shards behind through spilling them on the front porch.
I think this line doesn't really connect to the ones around it--perhaps it'd work if the piece was split into stanzas.
Now, I've been heavy on the critique, but this work deserves much praise!
I personally loved the metaphor of shards--it definitely provides that seamless transition between topics and the way you used it was just *chefs kiss*. It was truly the metaphor that bridged gaps, and if you're planning on rewriting with my earlier advice in mind, glass is definitely a metaphor that would be amazing for describing the feeling of regret.
Overall, I definitely enjoyed reading this! <3 Keep writing!
<3, chem
this poem is of: Good Content
It successfully: Shows Regret
The emotional impact is: Successful
a point that could be improved upon is: There are no spaces between stanzas, making reading more difficult
A thing that is enjoyable is: the metaphor of shards.
The Empress states that:
"I feel this one! I've had so many friendships like this, it really is a shame when this sort of thing happens. It hurts, and it hurts bad. but Still, life goes on, i suppose. I liked the part about birds."
This review was brought to you by Hope's Hideout.
Long Live the Empress