For Life

Metin Kutusu: For LifeNASA charged Robert Sandler to a new research in space center. Robert had just graduated from college. He did not know what would happen this place.

 

He was very happy because he liked his new job. He was going to do what he always wanted. He was working on the planet Apirus. He was spending all his time on the research. He almost was not going home. One day he realized it was possible to live in Apirus because it had lively characteristics. He began to search about plane Apirus if there was life or any human. While he was searching he took a signal from Apirus. The signal was sent by person of Apirus. Robert was very surprised. He wanted permission for that day. Finally he decided to answer that signal and did so. He waited for several days. Then the reply came so Robert began to talk with people of Apirus. He began to like them day by day. Bad days commenced. How he knew all they happened? He sent a vehicle to planets present came here. Days passed but they did not come. He would almost forget them. But the situation was very different from what Robert thought. Person of Apirus had already come. He wanted to have world for his people. If he could take the world over he could bring his people here. But his face and body were different from them. Nothing was changed. And he decided he to change his face with Roberts face. He looked for Robert. Robert was very surprised because this person was very different. He was short, fat and his face was very weird. His mouth almost covered his face. His eyes were like eyes of Chinese people. He did not have ears instead he had antennas. He breaths very hard because Apirus does not have oxygen. Actually Robert tried to understand what made Apirus so mysterious place. But he did not get any answer to satisfy herself. Popper was the one who came from Apirus first. Popper explained easily why he was late. Robert was very excited so he could not get what Poppers were saying. Robert kept Popper away from everyone. Popper was thinking how he could seize the world while Robert was busy on something. One night when Robert came home Popper did not realized him. Robert was listening Popper quietly. But he understood nothing. Meanwhile Popper had already finished his work. That night he would attack Robert and he would replace his face. Everything would be ready for taking the world over. That night Popper entered Roberts room while he was sleeping. Popper hit him hard. Robert would sleep  deeply. Popper began to cut his face with a special knife. He replaced his face with Roberts face. Then he gave him medicine to make him forget everything. And Popper was ready. Next morning he wore Roberts clothes, he put on mask of fight he went to the space center. Firstly he sent a signal to Apirus asking to bring the people of Apirus. And he changed faces of notorious men with he faces of innocent. He was keeping them in an old house. However the house was small for them. Popper sent a signal again to Apirus for war. Because everything was ready. They were enough to take the world. They argued about how they would take over the world. Finally they had a plan. Next day they put the plan into action. This war would be very hard and it became so. Many innocent people died. Damage was so much that nearly the world was out of its orbit. Finally people of Apirus won the war. They successed, they took the world. They made people of Apirus move to earth the world. They did it because their planet, Apirus was dying, every resource was in danger of extinction so they had to do this.

Comments & reviews · 1
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

You can earn up to 174 points for reviewing this work. The amount of points you earn is based on the length of the review. To ensure you receive the maximum possible points, please spend time writing your review.
User avatar
Lava
Review
Lava wrote a review · Mon Dec 10, 2012 1:45 am

Serra,

You have an interesting theme going on and the story would be wonderful if we had a little more detail and better story telling going on.

Right now, what you;re doing is a lot of telling.
Which is basically 'he did this/ He went there. He saw that.'

You should show us the story, transport the reader to a new place. This is the age-old show vs. tell going on.
For example, you said " His eyes were like eyes of Chinese people. "
That's telling.
Showing is "You could see the hardness in his slanted eyes." Here you imply that his eyes are small and 'like eyes of Chinese people'

You haven't used any description in this short. I assure you, if you did, the story would be really good.

What I'm saying is, try to build atmosphere into the story. Put some emotion into it. Even f you want it to be scientific and emotionless, you can describe the emotionless state. Talk about his vision, how things went bad.

Grammatically, I find a lot of awkward phrasings and sentence construction.
For example :

Bad days commenced. How he knew all they happened? He sent a vehicle to planets present came here. Days passed but they did not come. He would almost forget them.
I don't understand what you meant in this chunk here. Of course grammar comes by practice and editing, so go ahead and edit!

So, right now, this is a mediocre outline. You need to get editing.

Cheers!



I hope I’m poetic and interesting and insightful and inspiring and fun and entertaining and all of those wonderful, beautiful things
— creeperfeverdreams