Young Writers Society

There’s a lot of typos, but I like the story.
If you are going to use past tense, you’re going to have to sacrifice quick expressions of emotion for an objective description thereof—I would highly recommend reading MR James’ A Warning to the Curious for inspiration.

Hi, AlyTheBookworm here for a review!

I'll just go through what bothered me then end with what I liked. Here goes!

"I sit in a cold, gray room. Everything was bland and place in a specific location."
Two different tenses here. You do this a LOT, so just make sure to look back and keep the tense consistent.

"and the floor is mere concrete."
Why "mere"?

"and place in a specific location."
It would be "placed", but I would just remove this whole phrase because it's a bit redundant.

"It hung surrounded by a metal frame and dusty coat."
Sounds weird. I would rewrite as "It hung in a metal frame coated in dust" or
something.

"A small burst of air left my lips as my attempt to send the gathered particles around the room took place.”
Your descriptions are sometimes confusing. I had to read this more than once to actually understand what it was saying, and that’s not so good. I’m still not quite sure what the “gathered particles” are, but I think it’s the dust? Is he/she (I still don’t know the gender of the POV character yet..) trying to blow up ALL the dust in the room? It’s a weird sentence. In cases like this, you should keep the description straight and simple. A few simple words can put a clear picture in the reader’s head, while this is just confusing. Example: “I breathed out, stirring up a cloud of dust.” Not a very well-written example, but it shows a clearer picture because it uses familiar and simple words that readers can imagine easily.

The use of “you” and “your” threw me off a bit. Second person is hard to pull off on its own, so I really wouldn’t use both first person and second person in the same story. It makes for a lot of confusion- and it’s not fun to read.

That fourth-or-so paragraph starting with ““I’ve been silent for two days but this seems like the right time to start the truth..”
Whew. Super long paragraph and not so fun to read because it was a huge exposition dump.

Also, why would the POV character (still don’t know their name or gender…) stay silent for two days only to easily pour out their whole story this moment on the third day for no apparent reason. Why not the first day in there if they don’t seem to mind saying it?

“it was kind of like when a teacher claim”
“claim” should be “claims”

The dialogue doesn’t sound like dialogue. It sounds like you were looking for an easy way to give the reader info. I’m sure you’ve heard it (I think all of us writers have) but SHOW don’t TELL (and if you have to tell, you could do it in a better way than this). Would you actually say this and say it this way if you were in this situation? It doesn’t sound like something a real person would say and though I’m getting this big info dump, I still don’t really understand Alexander’s thoughts/emotions about all of this. Also, I would prefer less things to be handed out to me as the reader, I’d like more mystery and I’d like to have to work and wait for the story to come out.. If you feel Alexander explaining his story like this is necessary to the story, do it- but it’s not the most interesting way to let us know his backstory.

“If the world could predict who were the next generation of killers they could harden their skills and regulate how many killers were released into what regions of the world. The richer you were the least amount of killers get released in your area.”
I don’t understand this reasoning. Why release ANY killers?? And how do they determine if anyone is going to kill a person? There are so many different reasons and ways people kill eachother, and I don’t believe it’s something you can determine when they’re a child unless they have some crazy mental problem that makes it likely for them to kill. If you want to use this concept or something similar, I’d tweak it so that it makes more sense…

“It’s experimental, but the world seemed to jump at the idea. I personally used to think it was a good idea.”
I’m sure the poor people weren’t jumping at this idea.

You said that the school was designed to limit the number of killers, but then Alexander said that the school made him one. I’m confused?

“The rocking motion I had fallen into, turned more into a circular rotation as I attempted to keep my head high.”
I’m not sure what this circular rotation would look like... it doesn’t explain/describe this well enough because I can’t picture what it would look like. I’d just take out this whole sentence as it’s not too important.

“…The smell is enough to make anyone pass out.”
I’ve never heard of anyone passing out due to a smell, but maybe that’s just me? Either way, I’d replace “pass out” with “gag” or something, though this nitpick is only one of preference. I would also take out the ellipsis.

“I pulled my knees closer to my chest I could feel myself falling apart.”
This needs either a comma and conjunction or to be two separate sentences. You do this in a lot of places (I didn’t want to list them all) so just make sure you re-read and catch all of them.

“It’s had been silent for a while.”
Either turn "It's" into "It" or take out "had". Depends on which tense you want this story to be in.

“A gasp escaped my lips as the thought passed through my mind.”
What thought? After a few more paragraphs, I still don’t know what was so shocking. Maybe it's supposed to be mysterious (which I like, btw) but I never end up figuring out what that thought was.

Here’s a bit of praise. I do like this new mystery of him hiding in the closet, because it takes a while to understand his situation and it makes readers wonder and look forward to finding out what’s happening.

Okay, back to my nitpicking!

“It reminds me when I’m supposed to go to school and when to be home for the night.”
If he wasn’t home he wouldn’t be able to hear it.

“The beat of the tires continued to manage to hit every pothole and minor uplift of concrete thus causing the back of my prison to be a cheapcarni-ride with the safety protocol of a drunken teenager on the roof with a poolwaited two stories down.”
Very long sentence that can be shortened, cut, and divided into separate sentences. “continues to manage to” doesn’t flow at all. Choose one phrase and toss the other! Either it continues to hit every pothole or it manages to hit every pothole. Also it’s not the beat of the tires that hits a pothole but the actual tire, so this should be specified. “poolwaited” should be “pool waiting”, but I’m not too excited about this comparison and I think it should be cut out anyways.

“The tight metal against my wrists continued to remind me of the reality of this situation. I'm sure if it weren't for the cold metal that pressed into my skin, I wouldn't have believed this was even real.”
Watch the double adjectives! When you write descriptions, make sure to toss anything that isn’t unnecessary and only keep what’s needed or what won’t get in the way of making a sentence flow. It’s tough to have to choose what to keep and what to toss (I’ve struggled with this as well), but some things will only drag the flow of your story down. Since “pressed into my skin” already implies that the metal is tight, you can take away “tight” in the first sentence. You also say metal twice, the second use very soon after the first. You could say instead, “The icy metal against my wrists continued to remind me of the reality of the situation. I’m sure if it weren’t for the handcuffs pressing into my skin, I wouldn’t have believed this was even real.”

“My eyes looked down at the handcuffs that covered my pale wrists once more.”
Why “my eyes” instead of “I”? It sounds a bit weird. Your eyes don’t look at something, YOU look at something and use your eyes to do so. It’s the same way you wouldn’t say “My hand grabbed the keys”- you’d say something more like “I grabbed the keys”. Also, you’ve already talked a lot about how the handcuffs are on your wrists. In fact, you’ve said it in three different ways (1. “against my wrists” 2. “pressing into my skin” 3. “that covered my pale wrists”). It’s getting redundant and repetitive, so I’d shorten this sentence to a simple, “I looked down at the handcuffs again.”

“I never tanned well; normally I would just burn. I wish I could hold some type of color. Right now I just look sick, I mean that could just be the situation. Then again Julie last year in science told me I looked like Casper grew up and wore a cheap wig. I really didn’t like her. But she liked my brother…”
This all comes out of nowhere. I’m not sure why Alexander would be thinking about how he doesn’t tan when he’s wearing handcuffs in the back of a police car. I feel like it's an excuse to throw in the fact that he has a brother and what his skin tone is.

“I let out a sigh and pushed back my long black hair. I was going to get it cut, but for the last few months, it’s just grown. It’s longer in the back now, but the front is getting dangerously close to covering my emerald eyes. It’s never been this long. I wonder if I can get it cut here.”
This is obviously here to tell the reader how Alexander looks. I’d either leave this up to the reader’s imagination or slip this description into an action or a situation where his looks would be relevant. Again, I’m not sure why he’s wondering if he can get a haircut when some crazy stuff has been going on.

“I don’t particularly like being yelled at; I honestly can’t imagine anyone who does.”
As Alexander says himself, someone can assume that most people don’t enjoy being yelled at, so this sentence is unnecessary and should be cut out.

“I looked down the fence line I could see another tall fence surrounding the currently one with watchtowers placed at the corners.”
Currently should be current and the second “I” should be “and”.

“The building was three stories at least with half rectangular shape with windows filling the walls with a fancy display.”
You say “with” a lot in this sentence and I don’t know what “half rectangular shape” applies to.

“Her collared dress shirt was buttoned all the way up but the sleeves were rolled to her forearms tucked into her circle khaki skirt that reached right above her knee starting right under her rib cage.”
This is a really confusing and unnecessary description which the reader will not want to read and won't remember later on anyways. And you already described the uniforms of the students a few sentences ago, so that makes this even more pointless.

I would cut down on all the description of these two characters- a lot of it is stuff the reader won’t want to have to remember. What the reader WILL remember is a few quick, vivid, and defining features. They’ll remember that someone has a sly, mocking smile or that someone has solemn grey eyes, but they won’t remember that their sleeves were rolled to their forearms or any other small details like that. It’s not memorable because it doesn’t mean anything. And since it doesn’t mean anything, it should be cut.

Also, I reeaaally don't like how his head was described as being "egg-shaped". Since peoples heads aren't usually compared to eggs, this stuck out to me and he's now "Egg-head" in my mind.

“I watched the woman carefully as I felt a hand on my shoulder.”
You use the word “as” a lot, but it’s not a transition and shouldn’t be used like “and”. If something is happening AS something else happens, they’re both happening at once. You’re using this word wrong in some places, and it seems off to me as the reader.

“Once the cuffs were off, I felt his grip tighten on my shoulder, but it wasn’t painful yet. When Janet left, his grip loosen. As he took his hand back, the male smiled.”
I always hate when people say “the male” or “the female”. Just say “man”, “woman”, “girl”, “guy”… etc. When you call someone a male or a female it’s the most bland and detached description you could give of them.

““Well, that’s a shame. You could have slipped right out of them with small hands like yours,” she giggled. “
The word “giggled” is a pet peeve of mine (as well as the word "smirk".. they're both a bit overused) when it’s used it certain ways, and this is one of them. I get that she has a cheerful personality and all, but she really doesn’t need to “giggle” when she says this. She’s not saying anything funny, so I’d replace giggled with a nice and simple “said”.

...Giggle. I'm sorry, but I really hate that word. xD

About the story itself, you've run into a few cliches (a highschool for special kids, a teenage protagonist, a teenage protagonist whose parents were murdered...) but don't despair! You can pull these cliches off if you have other unique or intriguing things in your story. If you manage to put your own twist on this and write it well, it can still be a good story.

Alright, I am done with my nitpicking and critique. On to the praise!
I like the closet scene a lot, because I get that something is wrong but I don't really understand what's wrong at first. Then you slowly feed me some details and I come to realize where he is, which is cool. School settings and drama (while not always original) are always entertaining. You reveal a lot in this first chapter, so it's good that you kept us in the dark about the murder of Alexander's parents.

I also liked the name. "The Abel and Cain Institution of Higher Learning..." When you know the story of Abel and Cain, this becomes a bit ominous.

Okay, hope this helped, hope it wasn't too harsh, thank-you for your review on my work Luminous, and good luck on your story!

-AlyTheBookworm

Yo.

Thought I would pop in a try to do a review. To be honest, I saw all the warning tags and was like "Yes! Another person who writes gritty stuff!", so I came to see if I could offer my services.

Quick disclaimer, I don't do human emotions too well, so if I offend you, don't take it personally. I don't mean to.

Alright, let's do this.

1) So, I will start with overall things. The first section is a bit disjointed. Some of the phrasing is a little wonky. Now, I didn't notice anything that seemed "incorrect" (mostly because I have the grammar skills of a sixth-grader), but it just read a little weird.

2) I understand wanting to keep the beginning ambiguous, but there is a point where you just lose your reader and your getting awfully close to it. I was a little confused about what was happening, and it didn't draw me in as much as I think you want it to. I would advise making it more streamlined and easier to tell what is happening and then have it lead to something that will demand that the reader turns the page to find out what will happen next. Right now, it jumps around a lot and doesn't end on as strong a note as I think you are going for.

3) I like the premise of the story and the idea behind it, but it doesn't feel fleshed out enough. The school just kind of exists because it does. I mean, I know you gave a quick description of why, but it came off sounding vague and bare bones. Now, this could just be the fact that I take way, way too much time world building, but I think it would benefit your story if you really hashed out everything in the back story. What is the major company? How did the government get this morally dubious legislation passed? I want to know more, and I think it is better to know up front. If you want to reveal more behind the scenes of what happened later in the book, I encourage you to do so. The more detail you add, the more real and convincing the world seems.

4) On that note, I think you should also explain how the criminal justice system works in this world because it bears no resemblance to our own. This world violated this kid's Constitutional rights like three or four separate times from what I gathered. Now, if you want any help trying to figure out how to make this world's criminal justice system sort of reminiscent of our own, I can help with that, as I am the child of lawyers and am studying to be a lawyer myself. Just let me know. In any case, I would briefly touch on this world's criminal justice system and the process that got him from point A to point B.

5) "The boy was seventeen or sixteen with a dark complexion with an egg shaped head. He wore a slight smirk, but it didn’t seem threatening and rather calming in a way."

I think the "and" at the end should be an "and it was" so you clarify that the smile was calming.

6) "I’m still trying to process that this was happening."

This phrase is a little redundant and breaks up the flow of the dialogue. I think it would be better to cut it or place it elsewhere.

7) "I gazed back at the woman guard I narrowed my eyes were not appreciating her gesture."

"were" doesn't fit there.

Alright. That's it for me. Thanks for letting me review your work! As a fellow author, I know it can sometimes be a little nerve wracking letting people pick at your drafts, but I hope that I am able to help in some small way. I hope I didn't come off as negative or overly critical. I try to give my honest opinion in my reviews rather than butter people up.

If you need me to clarify anything or if you want any more help with anything, let me know.

Cheers,

Jimmy