Published September 18, 2011
How I wish I could reverse it and make you stay forever
But doubts keep us part but we're still happy for each other.
I'm struggling here, trying to get closer to you
But as I try to get nearer confusions get loose.
We both know what's happening. It's chemistry!
We both feel as we don't really see.
Like wishing upon a shooting star,
We still don't know what we are
But I don't think that matters anymore
As we both knew things that have happened before.
Now, We just want happy things. We want them more!
I promise I'll bring them to you cause I really care.
Just call my name and I'll be there.
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141,727 Literary Works • 675,620 Reviews
Well, it was poem, I'll give you that. I agree with the person above me. Your rhyming felt a little forced, like you didn't rhyme because it fit the poem, you did it because it had to rhyme. Your rhyme scheme also messed the rhythm of the poem, changing the syllable every two lines made the flow weird.
On the subject of flow, these two lines right here messed with it severely.
fnally you made some major punctuation errors. A lot of your lines need commas at the end, and a few need semi-colons. Anytime you make a full sentence, then put a conjunction (and, but, for, nor, yet, ect...) that connects it to another full sentence, you need a comma.
You had a decent poem, but you bogged it with flow problems and other errors. Hopefully our reviews help you though.
Wow, I like the messege a lot, very relatable! But I just have one thing, it doesn't really flow.
I know you are trying to rhyme, but something just isn't right. You need to do is word it differently (maybe) or use common amount syllables so the reader can glide through it~
You had a good start, it was when you got here that I got a bit thrown off:
I'm sorry if I was no help! OTL.