“I love you Rath”
I could hear his sobs as I bled to death in the arms of the man I loved
Chapter one
I opened the front door. It had been a normal day and I expected nothing less.
"Hello, I'm home!' My shoes slipped into the corner and I stepped towards the den.
"Hello?" There was no answer.
I walked into the den to see everything covered in blood. you could tell it was older almost black color. I suddenly felt faint. The tiles slipped under my bloody soles as I ran into the kitchen. I was mute, deaf, sick to death. Auto-pilot kept me going. It skimmed my fingers over the security codes. my knives and a harness fell at my feet. I put it on as
I silently and quickly snuck up to the second floor, following the blood trail. at the top i paused gathering my courage as i looked at the blood.It went into and out of my parents’ room and across the hall to my room. I crept up to their door and stole deep inside, into the shadows. I could see my mom’s hand hanging over the bed, dripping blood onto the floor. I kicked off my shoes for better traction and nimbly ran to the bedside I scanned the shadows for forms that didn’t belong there as I yanked back the covers. I barely muffled a scream. I fought the urge to puke. I had seen lots of bodies; dead, bloated, destroyed bodies after all i dead with the dead in my job and i had been ok but this was my family.
Both my mother and father’s necks had been slashed by an animal and looked like it could have been a tiger kill. My mother had many deep gashes which looked like a knife’s work.
They didn’t just kill her they destroyed her…
My fathers body was just as bad they had opened his stomach and removed all of his intestines. His face was turned towards my mother and it was obvious he had bled to death staring at her ravaged body.
I was a vampire huntress and obviously someone from my underworld connections had snitched the address of my home, my sanctuary. My parents had nothing to do with my work in fact they weren’t aware I did it. They believed I worked at a computer company. i could feel an icy rage filling my veins with energy and anger. I raced out of my parent’s room up to my door intending to murder anyone who was within. I slammed it open and raced inside. I saw a form huddled in the corner. My room’s curtains had been opened and, keeping an eye on the form realizing it was a man I ran to close them. The room plunged into blackness. i was glad that i had perfecy night vision I raced to where the form was. I put a knife to the man’s throat and whispered in cold fury
“Give me one reason to let you live murderer.”
“Because I didn’t kill your parents and two I’m your boyfriend Rath.”
I gasped shaking my head “You can’t be”
“Yes,” he replied
I whispered “If you’re Rath, who killed my parents?”
“a vampire”
“of course” I said in a hollow tone
“You said it Selena”
I dropped to my knees and ran my fingers over his beloved face. Tracing the familiar contours and shapes I began to sob. It was Rath! He held me against him as i laid my head on his chest i listened. his heart was cold and silent. wrapped in an icy embrace as he rocked me back and forth i cried myself to sleep.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Read it from start to finish. Loved it. Keep up this novel and pretty soon it might be a best seller.
Selenasacuna,
This is a great improvement.
You have really worked on the imagery.
Now for your actual storyline.
Here you say it's old. It has to be fairly old to be already black...
I tried to google how long it took for blood to turn black but was unsuccessful. However, I'd doubt any less than a day would turn blood black. Just putting it there
Lol, I think I've seen that before...
You can omit the etc bit...I used that just as an example..you know, etc...lol.
I quite like this sentence. It has a sense of depth. The 'I had seen lots of bodies' bit shows (doesn't tell which is what you want) that there is more to the MC.
It asks 'Bodies? Why would she see heaps of bodies? And dead ones at that?'
See how you can get the story to narrate itself?
The above is straight narration. Try to get the story to narrate it. Put the ideas in natural self-talk maybe. It's just one way it could be done.
(Italics is good to use with self-talk - eg, 'Cowards', I seethed silently. 'Kill my oblivious, innocent parents and not me.')
Use the story and the characters to bring the depth of your story across.
Also, don't blatantly tell the reader everything.
In this story, why don't you let the reader watch you unfold the killers, the reason behind the murder, who the MC really is.
You already have left a small strand of mystery behind, the 'I had seen lots of bodies' bit ...
Expand the idea and feel confident keeping some information from the reader.
A little bit on imagery again, lol. Settled? Maybe it would be better as on anyway, 'over' sounds like a soft cloud, or a blanket, not anger and rage. Work with the cold idea. Maybe the cold rage iced her heart/eyes, something like that. Think outside the box.
Question. What made the MC think the murderer was still in the house? Wasn't the blood black and old? Did the murderer leave any trace? What made her assume the murderer was a man? Is she good friends with all vampyres?
Why wasn't she afraid of her enemy, rushing into a closed room? Wouldn't it strike her odd seeing and hearing her enemy (who was strong enough to kill a family) hissing in pain and huddling in the corner?
It was dark when she realised the form was a man...wouldn't she realise this first with the light? Just a few things to think about
Personally I think this is out of place. I have nothing against swearing when it's expected, but I can't really see anyone saying a single 'shit' after what she's been through.
He was hissing in pain, curled in a corner...don't you think this is a bit eager and alive for Rath?
I like this. It shows the truth, it shows the love, it shows the deep familiarity between them.
This is very cliche...change it. Imagine the smell, what you feel, what you hear when you hug your boyfriend/loved one. Add pain, blood, fear and weariness with that. Loud heart beat or soft and numb? Is he odourless? Does she just fall asleep crying or does she drop tears onto his already soiled shirt?
If you want to work on your second chapter (which I surely hope you do) then you need to be firm in your storyline. Be confident in the world and the characters you are creating.
If I have missed anything and you'd like me to take a look at it, PM me again.
All the best, and let me know when you've worked on it some more or you post your next one.
Peace V
Inky
Hey
Nice blood.
Ok, firstly. The gore is laughable. Sorry...but I think you didn't quite get the descriptive side of the blood.
I don't really think this is the best way to start a chapter, let alone a story.
Maybe condensing this would help it flow more smoothly. Even in stories there needs a rhythm- a rhythm a reader's eyes can slide along with ease.
Also a variety in voices could help it. Active and passive voice definitely give a different feel. Look up on them a bit
This is one way it could be done.
Just give the reader a solid skeleton to build their imagination on. That's what writer's strive to do - to enable the reader a view of a world that they created. So,
Really concentrate on your imagery.
So, so, so...cliche?? So dull. So 'been there, done that, so what?'.
Blood strands?
Sodden carpet? With what?
What about the smell?
Is there a light coming in from a nearby window or is it closed off and dark?
The colours? Yes, we know blood's red but what about describing it to us first-hand?
Imagery is really important in a horror/anything else. Horror is about the senses. About fear. About how we feel. About running from something. About our surroundings. About oblivious hate for a killer, the deadened heart of an innocent, about being 2 inches above insanity.
So cliche again.
Maybe something like...
Emotion. You NEED it. Sorry for the caps, but you really need emotion.
Put yourself in the mc's position. For instance,
What the ****? She hasn't even shown one sign of emotion. Not even disgust. How would you feel? Would you rush straight up to your parent's room and follow their blood trail without a least one twinch of grief?
Just a thought
One more thing
The dialogue isn't very natural...listen to how you talk. And imagine you've seen the Texas massacre 5 mins earlier down in your loungeroom.
Work on that a bit.
Just try and get it realistic and don't go to sterile with the writing style.
Keep writing and I hope this helps
Peace V
Oh. Maybe you should try spelling it phonetically then, because right now it just looks wrong. Or you should try spelling it the more traditional way of 'vampyre'
i spelled the title like that for a reason. instead of vampire with an e at the end i took it off to make a peer sound at the end
OK, I'm back, and I've been able to read it more thoroughly. First of all, JCobsesed is right - you need to take the time to correct your punctuation.
This needs a TON of work. Your characters don't feel real, and, no offense, their dialogue is corny. Also, I hated how they instantly got into the sex. He's all, "Oh I'm a vampire" and she just says, "Cool. You can have my blood" and then suddenly they're going at it.
And to get even deeper, the sex was unrealistic. I don't want to go into details, considering I'm short on time and younger kids read this. I suggest you cut the sex scene to make this story mean something other than some random vampire-sex thing that actually has no meaning.
I'm sorry if I was harsh, but this piece has potential - you just have to do some major editing.
I haven't read this, and I know that that's not much help to you, but here are my suggestions anyways.
You don't need so many spaces between whatever that was in the beginning and chapter one.
Also, do a quick read through before posting anything. This looks like you just typed this up, ignored all grammer and punctuation rules, and posted it. Don't make us do all the work, it's your story, edit it a little so we can fix what you can't. I KNOW you know how to put a period at the end of a sentence.
Fix the title, so it's spelled correctly, otherwise we feel like we're wasting our time, because you couldn't take the time to spell it correctly, yet you expect us to spend out time fixing all the trivial mistakes that you can do on your own.
Third: Please, don't post erotica here. You can have sex scenes, but please, nothing Anita Blake worthy. Remember, there are people as young as 11 signing on, you don't want them to be able to read this.
Good Luck with your story,
-JC
I am in love with the series already! Keep up the awesome work, salenasacuna!
Need spacing and commas. And I would recommend that you at least take the time to correctly spell and capitalize your title--you might get more reviews that way. Don't have any more time. Later.
Don't put so many spaces between, but something like
, So if you want alot of people to reveiw your work then take it and only post a chapter at a time. When people finish reviewing it then you can add more. Just not on the same part of the thread. Maybe save sections on the thread for posting more work. But don't put so much at once.
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And don't post everything at once. Big blocks of work hurts the eyes.