How? I don’t know but, someone has kidnapped my beloved Katori,
and there will be hell to pay. After all we’ve been through I’m not losing him. Not now not ever.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
All right, I won't be so mean. You know how I am.
Hmm. You should probably write it this way, instead:
My friends are unicorns, dragons, wolves, snakes, and winged horses.
You've got some serious run-on sentences.
Try this: The entire clan consists of males, except for me. I am the only female alive.
And this: My brothers are a werewolf and a vampire; they will protect me, just as I protect them.
And this: I am about five nine (don't use numbers in a sentence!), pale as the moon, against which lavendar eyes and long, black hair contrast dramatically.
And this: Then there is Katori, my beloved. He is my creator.
And this: I am the Devil's niece and God's daughter. A demon of hell and an angel of heaven dwell within me.
And work on your spelling! Use a reference book (a dictionary or me, since I'm a walking dictionary, lol) if you have to!
Other than that, pretty captivating.
That first sentence doesn't exactly...well, I'm pretty sure it's not grammatically correct. I think you should change it to:
My family is all male except for me; I am the only female in our Clan.
Also, the second sentence...it's fine the way it is, but I think you should change it to:
My brothers are either vampires of werewolves and they will protect me just as I am protect them.
Another thing to consider; how is she the only female in her Clan? Doesn't she have a mom? I mean, I have the feeling that her mom bit the dust, and if she did, I think you should change the first sentence to:
My family is male except for me; I am the only female since my mother died.
I don't like how you used actual numbers...maybe you should just say 'Five foot nine inches'? Also, the two descriptions need to be joined by something [and etc] for the phrase to make proper sense. I would suggest:
I am about five feet and nine inches tall and as pale as the moon. I have purple eyes and long waist length black hair.
Whoa, whoa. If this were a Storybook [that I were in charge of], I'd say you were way god-moding. I mean, you can change into anything you want just by thinking of it? There's no physical or mental strain required?
Again with the numbers...
I don't know if it was just a typo but you forgot to capitalize the T in 'then' and you forgot to put a period after 'powers'. Also, since 'katori' is a name, there should be a capital K.
Make 'devil's possessive (devil's) and also make 'gods' possessive (god's). And I think there should be a semi-colon after 'daughter'.
The idea of harboring creatures from both Heaven and Hell is an interesting one, if not particularly original. Also, if she and her family help those in need, they seem all nice and kind, blah blah blah, etc etc. I think you should mentioned somewhere how her dual nature (devil) shows.
Um...what? Lemons?
What do lemons have to do with, well, anything?! Also, I don't think the multiple question marks are necessary.
Overall, this was...interesting. I mean, it was pretty good.
I like your ideas, but I think you need to develop them more. But then again, this is just the prologue.
Keep writing,
Ayra
I promise you that I'll critique this tomorrow, but for now, you should fix the title. It should be:
Sacuna's gift: Prologue.