This is my first time on this site and this is a long story and I wrote it some months ago but I hope you all will like it.
Over the summer I spent my time reading and at Barnes and Noble. Today is the first day of school I have to be here with these delinquents who don't cooperate with rules, snobbish rich kids who think they're better than everyone with their fancy cars, and then there's me quiet but deadly except the deadly par, but you get the point. As I walk to my locker my best friend comes and tells me about her summer even though she texted me the whole time, but I listen anyways her ranting going on.I open my locker, low and behold a letter falls out of it. I'm mysterious of who in this retched place would give me a letter besides my talkative but loving best friend. Shocked as I was I picked it up and looked at it puzzled it's folded neatly. I read it with a lump in my throat the size of a baseball. I can hardly read it because it was written in chicken scratch, but it's a love poem about love to me? It gets snatched out of my hand by the wicked brute herself. Harlie. She reads it over with her gang of wannabes lurk behind her. She says lips smacking
" Who would give you a love poem?" "mhmm" her pose chimes in.
She flutters her fake eyelashes, swishing her long black mane back and forth saying
" I mean look at you; with your dreary jeans, bedraggled hairdo, disproportion body, and a revolting band shirt.? "
I looked nothing of the sort besides the band shirt which was rocking!
" Will you leave me alone and give me back my letter! "
I say snatching at it, she yanks away hard, but behind her stood the guy of my dreams. He is tall, jet black hair down to his ears, baby blue eyes, toned and rocking a band shirt can he get anymore perfect? He snatches the letter out of Harlie's hand folds back up neatly and hands it back to me.
" You really should leave people alone "
He says with a low voice.
" You don't tell me what to do! "
Harlie says rolling her eyes.
" Losers! " " Mhmm " They sing in behind her.
I'm Infuriated now.
" Listen with your imitation face! Get away from my locker and take your band of misfits with you! " I roar.
She walks away slowly trying to be dramatic.I walk up to Cam.
" Thanks for sticking up for me. " i say in a hushed tone.
" Your welcome just didn't want everyone to know that I was the one who gave you that letter"
I blush feeling my face turned red as a tomato the heat resonating off my face.
" You were the one who gave me the poem? "
I ask nervously.
" Yea I've been meaning to come by your house over the summer but been so busy with the band. "
He says standing a foot taller than me. I say sheepishly
" Okay. "
" Yea. Hey you should come by and hear the band play we sound alright. "
He says confidently which makes me believe they sound better than alright.
" I'll be there. "
" Alright well bye Luna. "
" Bye. "
He strides off to go meet up with his crew. I lean back on my locker screaming of joy in my head. I can't believe Cam asked me to come see his band play! Through out the day I in-visioned what would happen after school, but during last period I dozed off. I dreamed of me and Cam him sweeping me off my feet coming in close for a kiss. I wake up with hands violently shaking me, It's Claire my best friend.
" Wake your lazy butt up we gotta go home I don't want to be here longer than I have to be! "
I leap up and head towards my car Harlie jumps in front of me.
" So what were you and band geek talking about? Was he the one who gave you the letter? If he did y'all would make an ugly couple let alone be the laugh of the school! "
" Go away it's none of your putrid business! " Claire says with fire in her voice.
" You've done enough damage! "
" Fine I don't care anyways! " She sashays away.
" Thanks Claire. "
" hey what are besties for? "
" Do you need a ride home? " I ask
" No I thought you wanted to get ready for the band. See you later. "
She says running off to her moms sedan across the street. I get home running up the stairs my mom shouts
" Whats all the fuss about you act like you've seen a ghost... you didn't see a ghost? "
" No ma. "
I bellow down stairs
" Just gotta get ready for something important. "
I tear off my shirt, trying to find the most decent shirt I have which is hard for me because I mostly own band tees. I finally found one with gratitude putting it on I take a gander at myself in the mirror debating everything; whether I should wear make up,, hair up or down. I decide after ten minutes to go with my natural look; hair in ponytail with no make up. I bolt down stairs but get stopped by my dad.
" Whoa Flash where do you think your going? " he ask with a husky voice.
" To see my friend and his band play. "
" Last I remember Claire wasn't in a band. "
" Its a guy from school. "
He looks me over
" Fine but be back by ten. "
" Okay bye. "
I dash to my truck a blue ford. I crank it up the engine sputters a little turning over, I try again sputters and cuts off one more try threes a charm I turn the key and it finally roars to life. Thankful I rush over to Cams house which is two blocks away you could drive straight to his house in less than five minutes if the park wasn't there. I arrive at his house and see him and his band in the garage setting up. I park the car on the curb checking the mirror one more time to see how I look. My hazel green eyes and long blonde hair stand out the most which are my best features. I get out and and walk over there he sees me, runs over to me and gives me a fierce hug.
" Hey glad you could make it! "
" Wouldn't miss it for the world! " I say excitedly
" So what song are y'all going to play? "
" Killing me slowly its one of our originals. " He boast
We stand there for a few seconds quietly.
" You look exquisite I love your eyes it like looking into a forest. "
I blush feeling my face turn red. One of the band members calls at him.
" Guess its time to play hope you like it, "
He walks over there and picks up the bass and he brings it alive with one strum against the chords it ringing out loud over the speakers. They start slow with the tst tst tst of the cymbal the singers voice is low and calm the bass gradually picking up, the bass drum thumps hard, the singer picks it up screaming into the mic sounding like a lion, the guitar thriving with the singer, the bass low like a hole in the earth, they come to the end with a crash of the cymbal sounding like thunder.
" That was awesome, the lyrics were soul full and the bass sounded magnificent! " I say excitedly
They seemed pleased with their one person audience.
He runs toward me picking me up.
" Thanks "
He says beaming he sets me down slowly looking deep into my eyes and then we're kissing not caring who sees. All the world is gone it's just me and him. That's how I became his girlfriend.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
That was a very high school story. I love it! You need to work on the deatails of the people more and not the surroundings. Add a little umph to the rocker geek that Luna (or you if its about you) really is. I like the part when the mean popular chick comes up and says all that crap but make it easier to follow I kept going back to see what you meant and I kept getting lost. and when hes sayng what song he's playing then you shoulod do this- " 'Killing me slowly' its one of our originals. " He boast
Just so we get that hes talking about a song.
Well all together its great. Like I said add soem deatails and make things easier for your readers to follow.
You did great!
Love Whosabell13
That was a very high school story. I love it! You need to work on the deatails of the people more and not the surroundings. Add a little umph to the rocker geek that Luna (or you if its about you) really is. I like the part when the mean popular chick comes up and says all that crap but make it easier to follow I kept going back to see what you meant and I kept getting lost. and when hes sayng what song he's playing then you shoulod do this- " 'Killing me slowly' its one of our originals. " He boast
Just so we get that hes talking about a song.
Well all together its great. Like I said add soem deatails and make things easier for your readers to follow.
You did great!
Love Whosabell13
Hey, Annie here for a (hopefully helpful) review! I didn't really find any major errors, so any mistakes I see will just be me nitpicking the grammar.
First (pretty minor) thing is that maybe you should separate your author's note from the rest of the story some how. You could bold or italicize it, or just use a line break after it. Again, not that major, but will get rid of some confusion. Okay, on to the story.
First, "Today is the first day of school I have to be here with these delinquents who don't cooperate with rules, snobbish rich kids who think they're better than everyone with their fancy cars, and then there's me quiet but deadly except the deadly par, but you get the point."
This feels like a run-on sentence; you should consider using a semi-colon or a period to break it up a little. Maybe something like this... "Today is the first day of school, I have to be here with these delinquents who don't cooperate with rules, snobbish rich kids who think they're better than everyone with their fancy cars. And then there's me; quiet but deadly, except the deadly part, but you get the point."
And I though the line about silent but deadly minus the deadly part was so funny! XD
Another problem is where you put, "As I walk to my locker my best friend comes and tells me about her summer even though she texted me the whole time, but I listen anyways her ranting going on."
You should have punctuated like this, "As I walk to my locker, my best friend comes and tells me about her summer. Even though she texted me the whole time, I listen anyways her ranting going on." Except the "going on" at the end feels a bit unnecessary.
Where you said, "I'm mysterious of who in this retched place would give me a letter besides my talkative but loving best friend." Mysterious doesn't really work there. You could consider using curious or something like that.
Here, " but it's a love poem about love to me?" If you refer to it as a love poem then saying "about love" feels repetitive.
Also the way you did the dialogue made it a bit confusing... For example, maybe instead of, " You really should leave people alone "
He says with a low voice.
You could have written it as, "You really should leave people alone,"he says with a low voice.
There were a few more grammar mistakes throughout the story, but I don't want to nitpick it too much. Now I'll move on to how I felt about it.
I could easily tell from the beginning that Luna doesn't really like where she goes to school. And I LOVE this line! "She flutters her fake eyelashes, swishing her long black mane back and forth," it just gives me such a funny mental image.
And I was also really happy when Cam stepped in to help her, and that her crush likes her back....
Also this line "She sashays away." I just love the word sashay, sounds so prissy but hilarious!
Then here, "They start slow with the tst tst tst of the cymbal the singers voice is low and calm the bass gradually picking up, the bass drum thumps hard, the singer picks it up screaming into the mic sounding like a lion, the guitar thriving with the singer, the bass low like a hole in the earth, they come to the end with a crash of the cymbal sounding like thunder." I love your use of onomatopoeia, metaphors, and similes, it makes it feel more real and like I'm actually listening to them play.
Overall, I really liked this story, it was cute and a good read! The only things I can suggest to make it better are to work on your pacing a bit because at some parts it felt like the story was progressing too quickly.
And lastly to do some editing on your stories. After you write it, read over it once or twice and search for any mistakes. Or you could get a friend or family member to do it. I know there are also some editing websites online that have spellcheck and grammarcheck.
Thank you!
This isnt a very short story... thats why I like it!! I am in highschool, and there are obviously many highschool students so I think it was a great idea to kind of dedicate this story to a certain group of people. The title and topic of this story really intrigued me because I related to it, so good job. I hope to see more work from you!
Thank you!
Hallo! Freya here for a review.
I must say I'm not really into romance but I quite liked this. Not a lot of things wrong with it so I'm really just going to be nit picking.
1. Some things are difficult to understand. Dialogue is a big part of your story so you've got to get it right. This is my edit for the part when Claire wakes Luna up in school.
" Wake your lazy butt up. We gotta go home. I don't want to be here longer than I have to," she complains.
I leap up and scramble for my books. "We've gotta go," I repeat, swinging my bag onto my shoulder and racing out of the door.
"That's what I've been trying to tell you," Claire laughed, following closely behind me.
I head towards my old blue ford sitting peacefully in the parking lot. My face started to heat up as Harlie jumps in front of me. Her *blue, red, rainbow, whatever color they are* eyes grazed over me.
" So what were you and band geek talking about?" she hummed. I winced and she smiled. She knew she found a soft spot. "Was he the one who gave you the letter? If he did y'all would make an ugly couple let alone be the laugh of the school!"
Claire steps in front of me. "Go away it's none of your putrid business! " she snarls. "You've done enough damage!"
Harlie seemed to mull it over in her head before sneering at us. "Don't expect to be let off so easy next time I find you," she snaps and sashays away.
" Thanks Claire," I sigh.
Claire smiles and shrugs. "Hey what are besties for?"
" Do you need a ride home? " I ask
" No, my mom's waiting for me. See you later. "
She says running off to her mom's sedan across the street.
When using dialogue, you should indicate who is talking within the same paragraph. DO NOT change the paragraph unless a new person is talking or the idea changes.
So if I said: "The dog is running away," I said. Notice how there aren't any spaces between the quotation marks and I use a comma to seperate the sentence from the 'I said.'
Other than that I think you're story was sweet. Keep up the good work!
Thank you!