Spring had just arrived in the neighborhood of Willow Lane. Nature's life had been renewed after the agony of winter, and its gradually flourishing beauty was a joy to witness. Flower buds were peeking at the world around them, while preparing to blossom in all their glory. Trees had thrown off their coats of snow, and were clothing their branches in young, glistening leaves. The wind had ceased its harsh, warlike wintertime dance, and was now dancing blithely and gracefully everywhere.
Katie stood in her garden, trying to lift her low spirits by observing the positive changes that spring had wrought in its appearance. However, it didn't work: her heart was becoming heavier with the knowledge that her husband, Jake, was leaving home in a day's time, and would most probably not return for many long months.
She sighed, and then brushed away the tears spilling from her eyes. Then a voice in her head started chiding her for not being stronger.
It kept shrieking: "Stop crying! After all, Jake serves in the army; and in the whole decade you'd lived with him, he would leave you behind for long periods almost every year; shouldn't you be used to it by now?"
"I'm definitely used to it now," she thought aloud, trying to comfort herself, "but that doesn't mean my grief at his absence will completely fade. It's never easy being a soldier's wife; and it's a fact! Of course it's hard sometimes when I think of him fighting on the battlefield, and how he might....might never return from there. But he loves his job, so I'll be as encouraging as I possibly can."
The voice in her head immediately fell silent.
Feeling better, she lost all desire to remain in the garden any longer, and decided to head back into her home.
Upon arriving in the living room, she was greeted by the sight of her one-year old daughter, Olivia, running around as her nanny, Julie, and Jake watched her, looking amused.
But the moment Jake noticed Katie's presence, he jumped out from his armchair and strode towards her, suddenly looking worried.
He gently grasped her hand and whispered: "Sweetheart, I've something important to tell you; is it okay if we talk about it in our room? I've asked Julie to mind Olivia for a while."
"Alright", said Katie, knowing that it was probably something very urgent, for she'd rarely seen Jake being as secretive or looking as worried as he was now.
They hurried up the long, winding staircase to their room, and Jake locked the door once they were inside.
"I'll start by asking you several questions before I tell you anything, are you alright with that?" said Jake.
"Go on, ask me as many as you like," said Katie.
Questions? I've never heard him starting a conversation with questions before....this is weird! Katie thought, as she watched Jake anxiously pacing up and down.
"Have you heard any odd sounds in the house lately? For instance, have you heard people muttering, but they sound so garbled you can't even tell what they're talking about? Did you hear the walls being knocked upon without seeing anyone doing it? Have you?" said Jake.
Katie nearly laughed when she heard what Jake asked; she couldn't believe her ears! She'd thought it was something much more serious than this; weren't unusual noises just an unimportant matter? However, she had heard exactly all the unusual noises that Jake had described, so she choked down a laugh and replied him as seriously as she could.
"Actually, I have heard these strange noises; they've been around all the while we've lived here," said Katie. "No offense, but may I know why are you so worried about that? To me, that's just a trivial matter."
" Oh, Katie....you'd never believe me if I told you the reason.....you'd never, never, never! But I've no choice but to tell you....it involves the safety of Olivia and you.....you might believe me after all...." Jake muttered.
"Jake, what do you mean?" asked Katie, who was getting increasingly puzzled.
"Katie....there was a curse on this house. Our old neighbor Mr Williams only told me the story when I told him I was leaving home soon, around a week ago....and the story goes like this: around ten years ago, the first occupants of this house was a widow, Mrs Spencer, and her three children, Tom, Ellen, and Danielle. After a year of living here, they started to hear the strange sounds I described to you: garbled whispering; the wall being knocked...but they didn't think too much about it -until one day, the sounds became deafening when they were all in their rooms at midnight. An eerie melody started playing, and suddenly, Tom ran out of his room and started screaming, and before Mrs Spencer could stop him....he vanished in front of her eyes! She was so distraught that she moved out after a week, but thankfully she left a warning for the next occupants with Mr Williams. She told him that on the night before they moved out, a threatening voice that sounded out of nowhere told her that it would come back to haunt the child of the next occupants of this house. And if you're wondering why her other children didn't suffer the same fate as Tom, it was because she made sure that she locked and barricaded their bedroom doors every night. So even though the eerie melody played every night and bewitched them to stay awake, they could not fall under its curse to entice them out of their rooms. I know that you probably think this story is nonsense, but is it too much for me to ask you to take the same precautions as Mrs Spencer by locking and barricading Olivia's bedroom door every night?" said Jake, breathless by the time he finished explaining his long story.
"I will lock and barricade Olivia's bedroom door every night, since that's what you want me to do and it's not a difficult task either....but I'm sorry to say I don't really believe this story, Jake. Why would you believe it? It doesn't seem quite like you to believe such a story," replied Katie.
"The main reason I believe it is because Mr Williams is one of the most truthful people I've ever met. And according to him; Mrs Spencer was an extremely down to earth; no nonsense kind of lady. It seems unlikely that she would make up such an extraordinary story."
"Ah, I see......
There was a few minutes of awkward silence as they sat on the bed, trying to read each other’s thoughts.
"Anyways, putting this story aside, I've just realized how much I'm going to miss you when you leave tomorrow," said Katie quietly.
"I miss you like crazy every time I'm away from you....it's just that nobody knows what I'm feeling on the inside," said Jake lovingly, coming slightly closer to her.
As the deliciously cool spring breeze blew through the open window, Katie gently laid her head on Jake's shoulder, feeling the comforting warmth of his body and gazing into his clear blue eyes, thinking how much she loved him and how much she would miss him when he was gone. Jake combed his fingers through Katie's long, lustrous jet-black hair, enjoying this special time he had alone with her, while trying not to think how it might be one of the last times he would ever see her.
***
Six months later, Katie received the devastating news that Jake had passed away from a traumatic brain injury he had received while fighting in the battlefield. She was horrified and dismayed, but she tried to behave as normally as possible and get on with life.
Olivia's bedroom door was still locked and barricaded every night, but she did it purely in memory of Jake; for it was the last request he'd ever given her, rather than because she believed in the story of the eerie melody. She'd never even heard it, and she could never bring herself to believe it, no matter how hard she tried.
But the story about the curse of the eerie melody was true.
And Olivia would discover the mystery behind it, with the help of a friend, when she was fifteen years old.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Wow! Its a lovely story, I felt like I was there with the character the whole time. It dragged me along and I never looked away. When Jake told her of the story I felt shivers go down my own back. Its very professionally written, I don't see any mistakes on my part. You wrote it very well and it is very interesting. I like that you put spaces between the paragraphs. Either than that its great!
I hope to read more of your work!
Hey Rose!

Overall, the story is good, the grammar is fine, but I did pick up on a few things that I'll point out to you
1) 'It's never easy being a soldier's wife; and it's a fact!' Since this is Katie talking to herself, it should be a little more personal. I would switch it up a bit. Maybe try something like, "It's not easy being a soldier's wife," she sighed, unable to keep her voice from cracking, "I should know..." You obviously don't have to use that specifically but it needs tweaking.
2) I find that each paragraph jumps into a different topic and it is a little hard to follow at times. for example, you went from Katie finding out that Jake died to Olivia figuring out the mystery behind the curse...it jumped too fast. Unless your next chapter is in fifteen years from Olivia's point of view, I wouldn't even include that last sentence.
3) Some more description would be nice. The first paragraph was beautiful! Very good job on that...I'm impressed.
That's all I have to say! It was very well done in any other way!!
Hi Honora, thank you so much for your feedback!
Anyways, my second chapter will be set from a fifteen year old Olivia%u2019s point of view; will it be alright to leave the last sentence as it is then? Thanks!
Yes, I think it is fine to leave it as the last sentence. This chapter has more of a prologue feel to it. Do you think that you would be alright with it as a prologue?
Oops, I didn%u2019t think about that before! I will try considering it; thank you for your prompt reply and feedback!
Hello!
I have to say, I enjoyed the descriptions in this story quite a bit. The opening paragraph is a very nice opening to this, even if it doesn't quite match the tone of the rest of it. The dialogue overall also flows fairly well, although cutting out some of the ellipses might not be a bad decision. There are some parts where it feels like topics change very quickly: specifically, the "putting this story away" line and the time skip. The exposition feels a little sudden too: breaking it up a bit might help with this. The grammar is very good overall, asides from a bit of comma overuse, and though the ending lines feel a little bit too direct, I am interested in what happens next (whoops, that was four commas in that sentence. Okay, maybe I shouldn't talk about comma overuse, lol). This was quite enjoyable, even with it being outside of the genres I normally read, and I look forward to seeing the next part of it. Good luck with your writing!
It%u2019s okay, I do that all the time! It happens!
(Sorry! I accidentally messed up and posted my review as a normal comment. I can't seem to delete this, so that's a little embarrassing on my part. My bad!)
Thank you so much zeldalex!