Published June 11, 2008
That Lucifer Girl
With a heavy heart I regret to inform you...
Your eyes don’t sparkle like a star,
glistening in a night sky.
Your smile doesn’t light up a room,
the void of your mouth instigating the darkness.
I’d told you that I loved you.
You spat it back in my face,
your syrupy sweet voice
uncharacteristically harsh.
The face of an angel, many said.
It masks the countenance of a devil.
That ethereal glow
Sucking my very existence away into the pits of hell.
Fire and brimstone
replacing ambrosia and purity.
You’ve lost your wings;
that fallen angel, bringing me down with you.
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140,714 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
ooooh my!! my oh my! how very spicy. sounds, somewhat bitter.
But, forgive me. I am easily side-tracked. (my idle mind - serves me right for shopping at Tesco for brains. One really ought to buy such things at a better store).
Apologies again >< I digress.
Personally, i found it to be a very well executed poem. It had a very confident pattern, and almost satin like flow. Your use of vocabulary is very advanced, indeed. However, what i loved most about this poem is the sincerity of the writing - which sadly is all to vacant in most writings these days...Mostly, sycophantic, vain - pity me poems...(kris, your side-tracking again!).
Alas, i am afraid, i can offer no tangible negative critique; worth mentioning. As i loved it.
Hey! I'm going to be extra-picky since this is your second draft:
I took into account what you guys said (thanks for the advice by the way) and I got rid of the cliches and tried to make the poem run a lot smoother.
Do you reckon this is better?
I like the way you started the poem with that first line.
This I feel disconnects from the last line. With that last line, it makes it seem like you were sympathetic, but here you just get cruel. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but I don't think it flows well. And with the metaphor of that last line, I don't think that "meshes" with the other lines either.
You know one of the things I liked about the previous lines were that they were unique, but here you just fell over as cliched. "Word venom" is a very commonly used term. The first line is cliched as well.
Overall I like this, but I really feel it just disconnects from the other stanzas. It's pretty awkward rhythmically to me too.
It's disconnected like the penultimate stanza, especially the last two lines.
Overall: I think you need to kill cliched lines and pick up the fragments and tie it together.
First off, your first stanza. The tone comes across very bitter. Nothing wrong with that. It is probably my favourite stanza. But it doesn't make the next stanza very consistent.
Initially, it's a very, "You're not as great as you think you are", which moves to a jilted love who doesn't seem to think that. I'm not saying that it isn't possible. It's just you would expect that to follow after what you described, not before.
I don't quite get the metaphor. It's not that it doesn't sound good, it has a ring to it. It just obscures things, or really follow on from the previous line. It's disconnected.
Too unoriginal. Use creative original descriptions, they involve your reader more and make the sentiments more accessible because it's something that's unique.
Here it's jumpy. What you end up doing is using phrases because of how they are on their own. I like the, countenance of the devil, Three strikes and you're out. But it doesn't hold together, they work by themselves but together aren't cohesive and don't further the meaning of your poem, which is what all the phrases should lead up to do.