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Perspective of the Slow Moving

by scrambled_pages


I wobbled forwards over the pebbled turf of the riverbed. Fear clutched my heart as the red fur flashed before me. In an instant I withdrew into my carapace, in effect becoming a pebble myself. However the fearsome red demon behind me lacked none of the acute senses awarded carelessly to his kind. I may have been hidden, but my vulnerability remained intact.

The echoes of teeth on shell reverberated about me, until my stupefaction at the appearance of an immense nose relinquished my ears from their consciousness. Straining to draw my limbs further into the refuge of my shell I was taken aback as the trees and riverbed swung about me. I came to a sickening halt in a shallow eddy, the fierce creature thrashed through the water, drawing even with my insignificant form, which was sinking belatedly bellow him.

The swipe of one paw popped me from the mud into which I had been borrowing and shoved me to the surface. With one miscalculated lunge from his mouth I was soaring once more, only to come splashing towards the river’s hasty current, in a brawl of frigid water turned white with thousands of air bubbles upset by my poorly executed landing. My extended limbs strained against water, my tail grasped for some control or direction.

After a struggle in which I had gained no control I was swept against the muddy wall of earth that was victim to erosion. My fore feet pulled while my hind feet pushed, I gained some elevation from the ice melt. Coming to rest on the dampened grass at the bank of my vanquisher, I took a moment to snap off a fresh blade of succulent earthy green before scouting out the great red fox that had once more become the prime object of my fear.

With no amber tail in sight I moved off towards a smaller branch of the river for a proper meal. I plopped through the shallow liquid, then was forced to the surface by the waning movement of the stream; I stretched out a neck sore from adventuring and nabbed a crayfish. I was just another turtle, braving the perils that berate the small, for a snack, and a swim.


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387 Reviews


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Mon Apr 23, 2007 2:56 pm
Kylan says...



First off, It was new and original and fun to read...sort of. (mean,...sorry) I just have a couple things to comment on.

1.) Too much description: Description is great and it really helps a reader "see" the story but when you throw in a massive vocabulary and a story about a turtle.. well, It's kind of hard to get through. Make your stories lean and spare. Don't pump them full of sentences that could be shortened. Too much description bogs a reader down.

2.)Whats the red thing chasing the turtle :lol: ????

3.) Tone down the massive vocab.! With the words you use, you need to appeal to a broad audience, not just high school English teachers. The average reader at the Young Writer's Society probably knows every single abnormally large word you're rattling off, but, again, it slows the action of your story down.

Anyway, sorry I had to say all that. Don't give up on writing!! You've got promise!

-Kylan




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387 Reviews


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Reviews: 387

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Mon Apr 23, 2007 2:27 pm
Kylan wrote a review...



First off, It was new and original and fun to read...sort of. (mean, sorry :wink: ) I just have a couple things to comment on.

1.) Too much description: Description is great and it really helps a reader "see" the story but when you throw in a massive vocabulary and a story about a turtle.. well, It's kind of hard to get through. Make your stories lean and spare. Don't pump them full of sentences that could be shortened. Too much description bogs a reader down. If you have a mostly fast moving story with a couple long-winded sentences with




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Tue Apr 17, 2007 6:24 pm
astrogemini wrote a review...



First of all let me say I like the action and the vocabulary comes off nicely too to create a really...nice effect. I'm using nice not for a lack of a better word or trying to soften a blow, that's exactly how I'd describe this.

Secondly though, (the bad part) there was some "stuff" that threw me off.

Straining to draw my limbs further into the refuge of my shell I was taken aback as the trees and riverbed swung about me.


I don't want to say because this was never my strong suit (punctuation), but I think it needs a comma to break it up.

The swipe of one paw popped me from the mud into which I had been borrowing and shoved me to the surface.


The vocabulary was so good and I was so into it and then "popped" popped up and took me out of the moment.
With one miscalculated lunge from his mouth I was soaring once more, only to come splashing towards the river’s hasty current, in a brawl of frigid water turned white with thousands of air bubbles upset by my poorly executed landing.


You could afford to break this up, in fact I almost insist upon it. And I want to you describe his mouth. Explain the lunge too was it a side-swipe with the head or did it go right in and miss with the teeth with dealing a blow? I just don't know.

My extended limbs strained against water, my tail grasped for some control or direction.


Extended limbs?

My fore feet pulled while my hind feet pushed, I gained some elevation from the ice melt.


Isn't forefeet just one word or maybe it's hyphenated I dunno, just doesn't look right.

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It's short, but cute. I like turtles and I know it seems like I'm picking at you, but I really liked it. Only one question...is this it? Are you just gonna leave me hanging. That could be the first chapter of something really good. Yep yep.





The heavens laugh with you in your jubilee; my heart is at your festival.
— William Shakespeare