MY Awesomely awesome story

by scorpiogrrl16
  • February 9, 2007
  • Short Story

I am sure u will wet ur pants when u read this story. It is somewhat scary but at the same time, riveting! :D

Comments & reviews · 4
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JabberHut
Review
JabberHut wrote a review · Sat Jan 19, 2008 3:08 am

Hello, Scorpio. Welcome to YWS! ^^ Thought I'd stop by and take a look at what you've written for us this marvelous evening. *good mood*

Before I begin, the others are correct in saying that downloading is not necessary in this part of the forums. Just simply copy/paste the story into the Post Reply box and people will more likely read it. This as well as thinking up a title to replace MY Awesomely awesome story will give a better chance for members to stop by and read your work, especially if your work is short like you have here. Keep that in mind for future reference.

However, I did not come here only to give tips on how to gain reviews. I'm gonna read it, tear it, and smile the whole time. :D

On the night before Halloween, there is always a big [s]haunted[/s] bash at the Haunted Forest where fourteen-year-old, Jessie, worked.


Delete commas around Jessie.

As the first sentence, we can work this out a bit smoothly, yes? ^^ Fourteen-year-old Jessie always worked at the big bash in the Haunted Forest on October thirtieth.

That Night, Jessie went into the forest with her friends Alexa and Cherish, who [s]they[/s] worked there also, even though they were all afraid of the dark.


When they came back out, all the workers were gone except for the cast and clean-up crew.


What happened in the forest? I thought they were afraid of the dark?

I want to stop for a second and say that this is sounding very much like a ghost story one would tell around a campfire. Is that what you were aiming for? I'll continue with comma usage, but I'm going to stop fixing sentence structure since I'm unsure of your writing style. :)

She thought it was very weird since she’d seen every key for the doors of campsite.


I can't help myself, lol. It looked odd since it didn't match up to any of the other keys for the campsite.

Panting heavily, they explained how they had heard weird noises similar to that of a wild banshee.


[s]She [/s] Jessie told them that they were imagining it.


Each time one of them stepped on a branch or twig, they jumped with a start.


Even though they knew every trail, every path, this night, this one night, they were more scared than ever.


Nobody ever went in there because six years ago, a six-year-old girl, named Clarissa, was murdered [s]in there[/s] within that exact cabin.


Delete commas around named Clarissa.

As soon as they came in proximity of the cabin, the screams were as loud as they could possibly get.


When they ran back, Jessie was standing, [s]jaw-dropped[/s] mouth hanging open.


They stood next to her and within ten seconds, [s]they were jaw-dropped, [/s] their jaws dropped too.


The door looked just like the key Jessie had found; only it [s]has[/s] had a strange scent wafting out from it.


It smelled like a combination of burnt bacon, rotting meat, and old cheese.


Bewildered beyond belief, they jumped in.


Alrighty, now for my overall review! :D

You have an interesting idea for a plot. However, the story went too fast, I could hardly keep up. I didn't attach to any of your characters. There's so many places you could smooth in information and description. Dialogue also plays a marvelous role as well. We attach to characters easily through their words and actions. Narration alone doesn't cut it. :wink:

When I read it, it sounded like a ghost story. I can imagine one of my good friends telling a story in the exact same way as you have here. Most authors don't write books and such in that format.

However, you have great potential, I know you do! :D We can sooo work on this to make it much easier and enjoyable to read! Study other authors' writings or critique some things here and see how others write. Maybe you'll get ideas as to how to improve this story so others can attach to it as well.

I hope this helped. I'd be happy to offer more assistance and/or read more for you!

Keep writing! You're doing great!

Jabber, the One and Only!

User avatar
chocoholic
Review
chocoholic wrote a review · Fri Jan 18, 2008 10:54 pm

I'm not going to ead it because I don't do horror, but your title will put people off. Nobody wants to read something with a title like that, because usually the write won't accept any tips and critisism. Also, it's very annoying to have to download it.

User avatar
CK Lynn
Comment
CK Lynn commented · Fri Jan 18, 2008 10:43 pm

It was okay. THere was nothing wrong with it, but I guess I just am not a fan of horror stories. You might consider a more discriptive title.

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Esmé
Comment
Esmé commented · Fri Feb 09, 2007 6:27 pm

More people will read it if you don't have to download it to do so.

-elein



But there was no goat man, there was NEVER any goat man!
— OSP Red