Young Writers Society

*Locked*

Hey people, check the post date before reviving threads that are old and decrepit! There's a ton of new stuff sitting around not getting any reviews.

Personally im not a big fan on rhyming poetry...espesicially every line rhymes.. this one was not bad though.. but every rhyme seemed forced... you have to let it flow.. make sure the poetry comes from your heart, not your brain.. other then that, it was pretty good

Before I say anything: Capitalize your I's! Please! I was cringing when I read this!

scissorquiz wrote:paranoid thoughts in tow,
i watch the world fill up with snow,
and feel the nervous twitches flow.
mind still reeling from the blow,
is mine the first or last to go?
riding till the gas tanks low,
with some strangers i might know.
this girl in my lap - friend or foe?
i've known her for an hour or so,
since a long, long time ago.
all personality lays low
so neuroticism's head can show.
a grin gains a rotten glow.
tonight, i can't pay what i owe.
don't know if he can take a 'no,'
so i quiver like a pro,
get my bag, undo the bow,
take it meticulous and slow,
blow my nose, remove the dough,
and meet my friend to say hello.

this girl in my lap - friend or foe?

a grin gains a rotten glow.
tonight, i can't pay what i owe.
don't know if he can take a 'no,'
so i quiver like a pro,
get my bag, undo the bow,

it's kinda weird and choppy and the lines dont run together....i love constant rhymes but only when it's not forced....

I think it could have been shorter with just the more essential parts so that the rhyming would seem less forced. But then again I really like the way the rhyming scheme give the piece a sort of hypnotic rhythm, though I'm not usually a fan of continuous rhyming couplets.

actually i liked the forced/rushed feeling this gives. it fits.
so neuroticism's head can show.
a grin gains a rotten glow.
those are the only two lines that didnt seem to measure up to the rest.

Forced rhyming... eh... I don't like..

Then again, I really do not like rhyming poems...

I think the theme of this poem is really nice and I loved the visualizations I got along with it, but the rhyming... I say do away with it...

maybe you should have made what you told me the poem was about a little bit clearer than i would have understood

I was wondering whether or not to put a rating warning on this, but I hardly understand it, so... I kinda like the continuous rhyming, but not for that long. Otherwise- good poem, sad what it's about.

hmmm... the strong rhyme scheme emphasizes the sort of drugrush feel to the poem... it was less annoying than most rhyming poetry but I can't say as I liked it. The ending line sort of disintigrates into nonsense and you get the feeling that the poem stopped because you were too high to finish it and were probably staring and your hand or something. Which I actually liked.

AstrangedbeaR wrote:unsure to what it was REALLY about

i liked this although it did seem like you were trying to fit as many words that could rythme together that kinda lost a little meaning throughout it, however i liked it, unsure to what it was REALLY about but it was good stuff. keep up the good work.
oh and one more thing: (a grin gains a rotten glow) i like that line, for me it's very clever.

It sounds a little to chopping and as the others have said forced due to the constant ryhming but you've got a great idea with the poem and I liked it.

hm...i thought i commented on this earlier...i guess it didn't go through.
but anyway, i must admit i was impressed by the amount of words you found that ended in "o." however, i agree with convintojm...it really did sound bouncy...something :chokes: never mind. i will not say.

whether it was forced or not it reads forced and choppy at times. also the constant rhyme makes it too bouncy sounding.

MasterChief wrote:Hmm, it's nice but i think you just started inserting words just because they rhymed.

Hmm, it's nice but i think you just started inserting words just because they rhymed.

Rhyming poems and myself do not mix well. Actually, I liked "My Cat Eats Cat Food" on TYWC, but this would only go good to a JLo song.

aww Robby, guess who is this.

Dunno didn't like the rhyming but I've never liked constant rhyming couplets so ignore that comment.
It's that great bitter edge that you always have in your poetry and it's nice to see it again. Luckily i'm not innocent.