The Dark.

Her exterior exhibited passion and grace. She was soft in touch but sharp in words. The eloquently way she articulated was soft and tender in manners. What she spoke of was power, terror, fear, humanity; her weapon was one not to be judged. Her power was exhibited in a fragile petite body with a giving, nurturing, misleading face. Her soul was hard, determined with passion and lust for perfection and knowledge. Her drive was immeasurable, and her intellect surpassed all but God, yet her ego allowed her to believe just that, leaving her rotten. However her ignorance collected immeasurable amounts of frustration and rage, carefully posed in her beliefs of what she should be. She pushed herself into the outer range of impossibility. She acquired the unattained, needed the absurd, no amount of achievement of possible and impossible, satisfied her thirst for victory. She sat posed on her seat, soft yet rigid. Her body was as tense as a lion stalking its pray, her face was as soft as a loving mother. She wore a modest yet revealing dress, shameful looking on anyone but her. Her makeup was heavily done to look natural, her eyes cold and fierce on the people in front of her, although she was not staring at them, but rather through them. They announced her presence with bows and nods not stopping there work, not out of lack of time, but out of lack of courage.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Flower's right about the stanzas, it might have just been your computer messing up, but it looks pretty funky right now.

The eloquently way she articulated was soft and tender in manners.

I didn't like this line much. It sounds too much like you were digging through a thesaurus to find 'bigger' words, which is totally unnecessary. Maybe you could say spoke instead of 'articulated', I think that sounds better.

Her power was exhibited in a fragile petite body with a giving, nurturing, misleading face.
They announced her presence with bows and nods not stopping #BF0000 ">there #40BFFF ">their work, not out of lack of time, but out of lack of courage.


I would have liked this much more if the language didn't sound so forced. Maybe it's how you usually write, but it just seems too chunky. There are some grammatical mistakes, but not many, so just look that over. I'm horrible at finding them most of the time.
With some work, this could be really good. Keep on writing!
-FMS

User avatar
Flower~Child
Review

Hello scifres and welcome to YWS, I am Flower and I will be your reviewer for today.

After reading through this I just have a few things to point out:
You need to write this in a stanza's, here I'll give you an example:

Her exterior exhibited passion and grace,
She was soft in touch but sharp in words
The eloquently way she articulated,
was soft and tender in manners.

Like so, writing it in paragraph form like you have here makes it look more like a description, not a poem. If it is a description of a story then it belongs in another category. Anyway I like all the description you use in this, and once it is written in stanza's it will be easier to tell how to review it. Just by reading it like this I think it is lovely, but I also think it needs to tell a story.

Why do they respect her so? If you don't tell us in this, we will never know.

Pm me if you need any help with anything.

-Flower-



I understand what you're saying, and your comments are valuable, but I'm gonna ignore your advice.
— Roald Dahl