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My Life Burden by Sean McMahon

by schmoney15


I carry the burden of fitting in with my peers without the sense of rejection or discrimination against me though out of my seventeen years of living. Ever since my childhood, I’ve always describe myself as the anomalous individual out of my classmates. This leaves the ultimate social enigma of what god have created for me that’s almost more merciless than attempting to solve the most difficult calculus problem on an AP calculus exam. Fortunately, parts of my enigma continue to crack throughout my learning experience in my high school career. My challenges are my morals that count as my everyday lessons. Each year, life always has a lesson plan planned for me; I could possibly see the whole outline of the notes on the blue sky like seeing the whiteboard in a classroom. My whole lesson plan is where I see the golden rules written by god himself, as a Methodist Christian, I was raised to go by these rules to become a charitable person what god wanted in his people. But today, a lot of people who are ignorant enough often ignores these moral by doing the exact opposite. By meaning discriminating innocent people by their race, religion, sexism, and disabilities, that can easily damage the fragile mental state of the human being. Unfortunately, I was one of those tyrannized victims affected by those churlish words. In my case, was bullied for my speech impediments and my Asperger’s Syndrome. My speech impediments have always the hardest challenge for me socially especially learning to how to communicate with peers though verbally. I often say bizarre things or stutter on any words which it was very burdensome for me throughout grade school. I used to think these books are just bland, one dimensional characters in a dull story, but until my junior year, I started to see the creativity and well-developed characters in an epic story. Because of this, my performance in reading and writing was greatly in my English field of academics, not only that I began to read and understand social cues of other people as well. However my speech impediments are still an issue especially trying to fit in with my peers. I started to think that my brain has a mind on itself sometimes. It’s either my words can be come up as hilarious like a buffoon or just think that I'm a strange kid. So my peers decided use my weakness as their advantage by grooming me into thinking that I can pick up girls easily. I used to believe this as a boost to my confidence, until I started to realize the careless mistakes I made whenever I try to start a conversation with a girl. My heart always speeds over the normal heart rate that almost longer than ultrasound frequencies of any high definition sound system. Which I ended up being rejected every time due to my mindless mistakes. But I'm not the only male that went through rejection; it’s a very painful weapon that can bring down your confidence. However, rejection leaves a chance of an opportunity. That opportunity is the chance of learning the mistakes you’ve made and how you can improve from these lapses. When I was younger, I used to think rejection is an evil act by woman to prove that they hate you for no reason until when I got more mature I started to realize there’s plenty fishes in the sea. Now my high school enigma is almost solved and the solutions were the morals I’ve discussed. I wish these lessons I’ve learned be taught to teens as endearing morals.


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Sun Sep 28, 2014 1:53 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there schmoney15! Niteowl here to review for Team Avada Kedavra this fine Review Day!

Now, I definitely agree with my teammate about the paragraphs thing, especially when reading stuff online.

However, that's not the only issue I see with this piece. It seems to go all over the place, from being rejected socially to an aside about religion and morality to issues with women to your grades to magically solving all these problems and wanting to pass that knowledge on. There's also some issues with language clarity and grammar.

Honestly, I'd set this aside and write something more focused. In the last sentence, you state that you want "these lessons" to be passed on to teens, but it's not clear what those are. What are the most important lessons you've learned? Write down 3-5 in simple sentences. Then for each lesson, come up with a related anecdote. Personal stories are great for stuff like this because people can relate to it and your point will sink in better.

Then I'd pick 1 (or 2 if they're related) of these lessons to make an essay. Start with the story itself, then talk about why you did what you did and how you grew from that point.

About the language: There's a lot of nice vocabulary, but sometimes I think it becomes unclear what you're saying. Examples:

I carry the burden of fitting in with my peers without the sense of rejection or discrimination against me throughout of my seventeen years of living.


This is your first sentence and the rest of the essay completely contradicts it. Here, you're saying that you DO fit in and ARE NOT discriminated against. Everywhere else, you say the opposite.

I used to think these books are just bland, one dimensional characters in a dull story, but until my junior year, I started to see the creativity and well-developed characters in an epic story.


This seemed to come out of nowhere. What books are you talking about? How does this relate to your issues with speech and Asperger's? Some more explanation would be helpful.

Because of this, my performance in reading and writing was greatly in my English field of academics, not only that I began to read and understand social cues of other people as well.


This sentence is a bit wordy, and the passive voice in the beginning is awkward. I suggest "Because of this, my English grades and my understanding of social cues improved." Consider using the simplest language to say what you're trying to say. In many cases, that's the best way.

Overall, I think if you used personal stories and structured the piece better, it would be much easier and more interesting to read. Welcome to YWS and keep writing! :)

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Sun Sep 28, 2014 1:28 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello ^^ welcome to YWS. I recommend you remove your name from the title, if it's your real life name, because internet safety and whatnot.

As jazzydracula said, break this up. Thankfully, this isn't super long, otherwise I wouldn't attempt to review it. ;) Large blocks of text are very intimidating and can scare reviewers away, so if you break this up, you'll avoid that outcome.

Onto the review~

though out of my seventeen years of living.


Throughout*

This leaves the ultimate social enigma of what god have created for me


Has*

life always has a lesson plan planned for me


Don't repeat "plan" twice.

My whole lesson plan is where I see the golden rules written by god himself,


Change the comma to a semicolon.

I was raised to go by these rules


A comma is needed after "rules".

It’s either my words can be come up as hilarious like a buffoon


Cut out the indicated.

My heart always speeds over the normal heart rate that almost longer than ultrasound frequencies


That's*

I used to think rejection is an evil act by woman


was*
women*

I started to realize there’s plenty fishes in the sea.


Plenty of fish*


Okay so... wow. I realize I could go on a feminist rant about the end of your essay but I'll try not to >_> I'd just like to remind you that women don't always reject men because they're "evil" or "hate you for no reason". We just might not be interested. Just like you aren't interested in certain girls. Doesn't mean you hate them, just that they aren't your type. So I hope you don't think that all women hate you if they reject you. There are so many factors to not be interested in a person.

<_< anyways, nicely written. I'm sorry all of this happened to you in school. I think we've all been bullied, but you seem pretty strong for getting through all of it.

Your grammar was a bit choppy, as I pointed out in the nitpicks, but for the most part, this was very well-written. Lovely use of words for some of these sentences. It all made sense and you used some nice metaphors and comparisons to get your point across, so that was good. ^^

Overall, this was a nice work. Thank you for sharing. I hope this review helped.

~Iggy

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Sun Sep 28, 2014 12:46 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Happy September Review Day!

When I first look at this, I notice that there are not any paragraphs. There really needs to be some. I've put an explanation of paragraphs below for you in the spoiler...

Spoiler! :
What is a paragraph?

A paragraph is a collection of related sentences dealing with a single topic. Learning to write good paragraphs will help you as a writer stay on track during your drafting and revision stages. Good paragraphing also greatly assists your readers in following a piece of writing. You can have fantastic ideas, but if those ideas aren't presented in an organized fashion, you will lose your readers (and fail to achieve your goals in writing).

The Basic Rule: Keep one idea to one paragraph

The basic rule of thumb with paragraphing is to keep one idea to one paragraph. If you begin to transition into a new idea, it belongs in a new paragraph. There are some simple ways to tell if you are on the same topic or a new one. You can have one idea and several bits of supporting evidence within a single paragraph. You can also have several points in a single paragraph as long as they relate to the overall topic of the paragraph. If the single points start to get long, then perhaps elaborating on each of them and placing them in their own paragraphs is the route to go.

(https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/606/01/)


Okay, so once that's sorted you'll be well on your way to having a great essay.
It was difficult to read without paragraphs, but I had a go. You used great words and it sounds great! So there's nothing to worry about there. Just fix those paragraphs. :D





We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind