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Perspective from a Boy in Love

by sbitonti


Perspective from a Boy in Love

She is anything but simple. Yet, she is nothing extraordinary. She has convinced herself that the only option, to withdraw, would satisfy her and the people around her. She takes comfort in sipping a warm drink, and she puts more focus into taking sips than when glancing at me.

I try to bring her to life, by exploring the trail of her sides. I trace the hourglass figure with my hands, a map she doesn't find worth adventuring. I take her face, and the warmth recedes when I find her hands. Her hands and feet are ice. I know this because on rare occasions, she tries to seek the warmth in me. I can only hope I provide a meager amount.

There are days when her fluting voice fills the interior of my car, and her contagious laughter rubs off of pallid people-them, waiting like clay to be molded by the skillful artisan.

There are other days when she sits, not quite brooding, but a silent snow storm. She becomes the sidewalk weed. Beautiful, yet restricted by adversity, in her internal torment. I wish I could prune her, place her in rich soil, where she could grow among the fertile abundance. Protect her in a vase, shadow her with sunlight. She is no where near delicacy. She prefers the cracked vase, surrounded by the shattered glass.

She alternates between wanting to be touched and inching away from my graze. The latter takes place the most often. She indulges me with long, elaborate stories full of meaning and brilliance. I know nothing about her. I only know these stories, these scattered memories of hers. I know she thinks philosophically, questioning everything, analyzing details, finding faults and either loving them or hating them. My intelligence level suffers an impeccable blow in comparison. I am not humble. She sometimes asks for my opinion, just so that she can act the opposite.

Sometimes, she confides to me. She has periods where she becomes comatose in the concept of thinking. Her mind blank, void of emotion, and incapable of releasing her gaze from the window. She is truly empty, but she fills me. She does.

I want to worship her, but she doesn't believe in idols. Instead, I try to comfort her, but she doesn't believe in love; She believes in blankets. I'm not sure if I should hold her hand, only to have her remove it again. How can I attempt to fill the vacancy she craves for, her only moments of peace?

I need to be night sky, filling her in as she morphs through the crescents of the moon. I must plunge and take notice that there is nothing, no one to save me. Only then may I find how to solve her riddles, admire her crevices, correspond to each contradiction in the make of her. I am whole when she is piece, I am piece when she is whole. We can manage, as long as we evade the illusions of hope.

-S.B.T.


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60 Reviews


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Sun Dec 22, 2013 1:01 am
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thegirlwhowrites wrote a review...



Wow,
You have a gift with metaphors and I am truly and irrevocably jealous. ;)
Everything you wrote in this piece had such depth to it I was reading it with my mouth open.
The ending, where you repeat this girl's emptiness and how he wishes to complete it I think really gets the reader captivated in the narration. It just makes you wonder, why is she such an empty vase? What happened to her flowers? However I think it was the right choice to not include that in your story. As John Green says, 'Books belong to their readers.' in the sense that like this, you make it more effective and leave a part of your story in their minds to be completed and imagined as they wish.
I am not even going to mention all the beautiful quotes you created in this piece... they truly left me tilting my head in awe.
About the boy's perspective in romance, (I wouldn't know for sure ;) ) but it feels like you executed that perfectly. I can really feel his emotions through your words and I believe that you sort of made this seem like his track of thoughts; how he thinks about her constantly, remembers everything about her, wonders about her... that's what makes you understand he's so in love.
Looking forward to reading more of your work!




sbitonti says...


AHHHHH THIS IS THE BEST REVIEW EVERRRRRRRR! Thank you! I am so flattered!



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Tue Dec 17, 2013 9:01 am
farahmasud wrote a review...



This write-up really gives the reader a piece of the writer's mind, or so to say, a glance into the mind of a boy. It is very insightful. And the male character is so very observant. I really admire that. The comparisons are beautiful. They don't seem to come as forceful metaphors or personification. They come so effortlessly, that the reader gets a very vivid picture. And I also like the female character that you built up. To be able to write in such depth is really wonderful!

"I need to be night sky, filling her in as she morphs through the crescents of the moon. I must plunge and take notice that there is nothing, no one to save me. Only then may I find how to solve her riddles, admire her crevices, correspond to each contradiction in the make of her. I am whole when she is piece, I am piece when she is whole. We can manage, as long as we evade the illusions of hope."

The ending was amazing. I loved it! :D




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Mon Dec 16, 2013 6:44 pm
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Korlix wrote a review...



Hey Korlix here for a review.

I thought of different ways of expressing myself as a new member in the reviews I have done so far, to be able to look at the story and to reflect on the overall opinion I had gained from it. However for your story, to put it bluntly: I liked it.

The insight we are given into the mind of a boy who observes what he admires and expresses his emotions is brought to the reader in a human and relatable way. A feature that makes the story flow and pulls the reader into it, a feature, that a large scale of stories lack.

The description you used harmonise with the emotions the boy is feeling with their delicate and soft nature "Beautiful, yet restricted by adversity", "fluting voice" "silent snow storm".

However, a good review is based upon constructive criticism that points out the good and the potentially "improve worthy". In this case the "improve worthy" is set to a minimum.

The whole story has elements of the philosophical, which is not uncommon for romantic love stories and surely is worthy of implementing into the general theme of love. I think it worked nicely within your story, nevertheless i wouldn't end the story on a philosophical touch "We can manage, as long as we evade the illusions of hope". The idea you are working on here is good, but, i would have kept the ending in a more personalised manner. Maybe where the boy makes a choice, if he should pursue her or give up?

All in all I think the story is good and with a little bit of work it will become even better.




sbitonti says...


Thank you so much! I knew the ending was a little off, I just couldn't pin exactly what was wrong with it. I'd like more insight as in how to improve the ending, if you have any ideas. Thanks for the review once again!



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Mon Dec 16, 2013 1:30 pm
farahmasud wrote a review...



This write-up really gives the reader a piece of the writer's mind, or so to say, a glance into the mind of a boy. It is very insightful. And the male character is so very observant. I really admire that. The comparisons are beautiful. They don't seem to come as forceful metaphors or personification. They come so effortlessly, that the reader gets a very vivid picture. And I also like the female character that you built up. To be able to write in such depth is really wonderful!

"I need to be night sky, filling her in as she morphs through the crescents of the moon. I must plunge and take notice that there is nothing, no one to save me. Only then may I find how to solve her riddles, admire her crevices, correspond to each contradiction in the make of her. I am whole when she is piece, I am piece when she is whole. We can manage, as long as we evade the illusions of hope."

The ending was amazing. I loved it! :D




sbitonti says...


Thank you!



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Sun Dec 15, 2013 8:22 pm
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McMourning wrote a review...



Overall, I like it, but I think it needs some work.
The first problem I have with it is that it seems to jump around in topic. Within the first paragraph, you have a description of her, her decision to withdraw, and her drinking something. I would start by trying to focus on one thing at a time. Describe her, then start a new paragraph. Say that she decided to withdraw (from the relationship, I'm guessing). Give more description to this. Has he just heard her decision? Did she give a reason other than it "would satisfy her and the people around her"? This is a vague reason for leaving. A woman might leave a relationship because her friends don't think he appreciates her talents, her intelligence, her humor, etc. It might also satisfy people around her because they want to spend more time with her and she spends too much time with him. You could add some more details here.
Then, the warm drink statement could be in a new paragraph or moved to a later part of the piece. I think it would work better elsewhere, such as when he describes her "void of emotion."

I like some of the imagery you use, such as the "trail of her sides" and "a map she doesn't find worth adventuring." However, I'm not sure I like that you call her "comatose in the concept of thinking." Everywhere else, the narrator seems to look at her lovingly, but here it comes out cruel. Even when he calls her a "sidewalk weed", it becomes positive by saying he wants to put her in a vase. Maybe there is some way you can make this phrase positive, too.

I feel like you managed to accurately describe some relationships--people who want to be together at times, but pull away at others. I could relate to the relationship described and I think other readers will be able to as well.




sbitonti says...


Thank you so much for your review! The first few paragraphs were supposed to describe her personality. Although I haven't thought it out clearly, I think my character suffers from symptoms of depression. I wanted to portray her as a constant fluctuation between these two vast personalities. By "withdrawal", I meant it in a metaphorical sense, such as her not being entirely there, physically nor mentally nor emotionally. Not literally leaving, but I see how you could have interpreted it that way.
I very much like your suggestion of rearranging the phrases including the sip of the drink. This was also an attempt to portray her vacancy. By inserting these feelings randomly throughout the piece is how I was trying to encompass the idea of her completely. The role of the boy is the observer. He observes her, tries to understand her, and ultimately loves her. Ironically, because she is not entirely there.
Thank you again for your feedback (It means a lot), I'll be refining it very soon!




Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
— George Santayana