I was so cold my fingers were numb
and I remember sitting in your red car
with the heater on
I shivered and you brought my hands to your lips
you used your desperate breath
to try and give me warmth
But
you didn't understand
that my frigidness came from within
and the tears I never cried
were frozen and building
into an ice castle that wouldn't belong on any fairytale
But maybe only maybe a memoir,
A memoir because I have thought a lot about death
and I hate myself because you are so full of
life
while I am so full of the
opposite.
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This was a great poem.
I loved the symbolism and descriptive language you used that made it fun to read and spiced up your simple subject.
"and the tears I never cried
were frozen and building
into an ice castle that wouldn't belong on any fairytale"
This part was great! Honestly. It had a slight mystic feel to it, but still retained the thoughtful and emotional side. I don't have much else to say except that I like it.
Thank you sbitonti!
Hey there! Kekai here, to do your review.
First of all, this is really great! I love a lot of the phrases you use in this poem. I really like the first few lines especially.
However, I just have a couple things. For one, I think that those one-word lines could be removed, and you should just at "but" to the beginning of the "you didn't understand" line, and "life" to the end of the "and I hate myself" line. I think the poem would keep its flow a lot more easily that way.
Also, in the line "but maybe only maybe a memoir" I think you might have one two many maybes? Either way, I think that it would be beneficial to just have, "but maybe a memoir". It's a lot more simple and still keeps the meaning.
Otherwise, this is great! I can really feel the emotions of the person in this poem. I love it. Thanks so much for writing today!
Ok, rikki here for a review to your piece of composition.
I really liked the opening lines as they seem to be so true. We may actually do it in real life.
"
I was so cold my fingers were numb
and I remember sitting in your red car
with the heater on
I shivered and you brought my hands to your lips
you used your desperate breath
to try and give me warmth
"
After this the tale took a turn when the emotions were expressed and followed with a sorrow note.
I eventually thought that opposite sex attract each other but may be you were expressing
that the two people were different in their ways of life.
Nice ending though.
May you be inspired and keep writing such pieces which expresses something deep.
All the Best,mate.
This is a very nice poem, and it is nice to see you have taken a step away from the unimaginative love poem cliches. My only criticism would be that this leaves questions unanswed, however as you have said you are going places with this, I will leave alone.
Keep up the good work!
Take That You Fiend!