Young Writers Society

Hey there, here to leave a few thoughts about your writing.

First off, wow! I can relate so well with this poem, really just grabbed itself a place in my heart.


"They’re sick of their own faces, sick of their own skin, sick of the dark, so they crawl out of themselves to sing."

I was quite engaged with the use of repetition here, (as well as another place) "sick of their own faces ... skin ... the dark, really kinda grabs out that emphasising point of the writer's hate for cicadas, which personally, I can fully understand.


"When people speak bullets, do they consider the exit wounds ?"

Now Im not sure if this is a 'common' type of saying where your from, but I did get a bit thrown off at the phrase, "When people speak bullets..". I mean I understand that its meant to be kinda metaphorical/analogy in a sense, as in when people say harsh things, but im not too sure if its a common phrase to say, perhaps try adding just a tad bit more context around it to ensure that you get your point across to the audience?


"I can’t stand their screeching voices.

I can’t stand that they remind me of myself"

Again, nice little repetition here to emphasise your feeling of cicadas' relation with the author.

And one last thing Id suggest from me, that I suggest to most poems is more rhythm/rhyme. Perhaps one day if you decide to comeback to this to write a new edition, or a part 2. I would suggest to try and introduce some more rhyme to it to keep the audience engaged and increase the flow of the piece, to do this though, you may need to increase the length of your usual writing.

Besides that, the rest is pretty damn amazing, really had a nice voice to it and was quite appealing to me especially, because I can understand and relate to a lot of what the author is saying in this piece. Fantastic job with the piece, loved it

Keep writing, hoping to see more of your writing soon!!

In

Hi, hello there! This is Ina speaking. I am here to comment/review your "very painful poem I found in the Green Room" poem. Anyways, let's get into it.

I like how you put your thoughts in an organized proper way and how the flow of the message it holds is perfectly written. Although, it may be very sad that one person who speaks this poem can't find an identity and look through what people see than what is really what's in their heart and who they really are. Questioning and questioning but no answer. Seeking and seeking but nothing was found. But if this relates to you @sbernsley, I hope you find your answer and make sure to surround yourself with good people who will help you be yourself again. Writing-wise, I think the ending was too abrupt like something is missing. I don't think the question should be the ending, maybe more like "someday I will feel like myself again" or "someday I will find the light through the darkness of my life".

I hope this helps! You are an amazing writer, I would like to read more of your writings! By the way, welcome to YWS and have a good morning, day, afternoon, or night.

Hi sbernsley!!

I really liked this poem. The way you express these feelings can often be very hard to put in writing, but I think that you captured it beautifully.

One thing that I can say is that the mention of cicadas seems sort of random. You go from, "The more I write the more absurd it sounds," and immediately state, "Let’s go on with this theme of absurdity." The way these two lines progress can seem purposeless and unfitting with the rest of the poem; I read them as if I would read a message from a friend.

Although I believe the cicada portion of your poem compliments the feelings that are suggested, I think that it could have benefited from a different transition. Instead of adding a dividing monostich transitioning from one idea to the next, sometimes a dramatic shift will flow better in the reader's head. When this is implemented, the previous concept is on the readers mind as the next line is read, leaving the concluding perception of the text clearer. So, instead of "The more I write the more absurd it sounds. / Let’s go on with this theme of absurdity. / I hate cicadas," you could cut out the "Let’s go on with this theme of absurdity," altogether.

To add, the "Let's" in the line "Let’s go on with this theme of absurdity," entirely breaks the fourth wall of your poem. If this was your intention, I suggest that you enforce this toward the beginning of the piece as well, possibly by using first and second person pronouns such as "you", "yourself", "me", "I", and "we". If it was not, I recommend putting it as "I'll go on with this theme of absurdity," instead, keeping the thought within the space of the speaker.

I think the content of your piece is very nice, however a different formatting may enhance it even more. Dividing your poem into stanzas can organize the thoughts in your piece, even if the poem is meant to be absurd and chaotic, and also help with the "dramatic shift" mentioned prior.

These are only lighthearted suggestions, and I hope that I did not come across as too harsh. I only have the best intention, and genuinely believe that you are an amazing writer on your own. These are just things that I think you could keep in mind the next time you're writing.

You're amazing, I hope you have a wonderful evening!

fructose ♡

Hi,

I also write poems, but mine are a bit different.
And I must say, this is an amazing poem based on reality.
It's a very creative way to describe someone's life.


Keep up the good work!

-Rose❤ rosewriting12.blogspot.com