Published April 18, 2013
Taylor opened the door to room and ran to her bed. She pushed her head into the pillow and cried silently so she could hear the voices echoing in the background. Screams and shouts was all she heard, one at a time though sometimes together, their voices sliced through the empty house. The wind howled loudly and swooped the barren branches of the large sycamore tree against her bedroom window.
She listened silently to the orchestra of shouts, rattles, howls, and muffled tears. The voices were laced in a venom she feared. She knew that it was not meant for her and yet it hit her the hardest. She could feel it spreading through her veins, clasping around her heart and lungs. It was seeping into her mind, tainting her thoughts. She knew that it would one day kill her. She didn’t know what it was and thus, she could not fight against it.
There was a stomp; it was loud, louder than all the other sounds. She rose from her bed, curious as to what this new noise was. The stomping grew louder as she rose from her bed. It was like a drum, beating along to a perfect sequence. There was a scream and suddenly, silence. The silence stretched for a few long moments, only to be broken by a quiet click from the front door. She left her bedroom wearily, unsure of what to do. She was not used to the silence; it scared her almost as much as the loud noises. She searched the house for it. It was everywhere but she could feel that it was concentrated in only one place. It pulled her closer and closer. One step, two steps, three steps, her curiosity grew as she came closer but when she arrived she felt only resentment, resentment towards herself for being so curious, for choosing to follow the silence.
The source lay on the floor, unmoving, silent. There was a dark red liquid seeping from a gash in its head down to a blue spot across its breasts. She looked into her mother’s eyes and saw her own pain and fear reflected. The bright green they had both shared and were so often complimented on was now dull, musty and empty. She had known this would happen, she had known that the venom would kill her. The young girl knew all this, she knew of its dangers and yet she had said nothing.
She saw it at that moment while staring into the reflection of her mother’s eyes, a serpent. It was small, slim and fearful; hiding cowardly in the corner. It was herself. She was the serpent, the carrier of the venom, the master of life and death. She had been searching for it for years but not once had she looked for it within herself and now that she found it, she knew why. The venom was the one thing she was not used to, the one thing she had never heard before, the silence. Her silence had caused the constant shouts and screams. Her silence had killed her mother. She was the serpent and her silence was the venom.
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*claps* Great job on this! I was kind of creeped out at the end because the mother killed herself because of a condition. I love how in the last paragraph you talk about the serpent inside of the mother and how its venom killed her. It's great to use figurative language because it draws the reader in.
Plot: Maybe you can draw it out a little more and write about a flashback to when the mother was normal. Or maybe add more details about things so I'm able to get a details picture in my head.
Great job on this though!
You story is very well written and extremely powerful when it comes to transmitting feelings. You managed to convert here terror and her remorse in such a way that it brought chills on my back.
. I might be missing something because English is not my native language but I don't really understand this part.The story itself is very unfortunately very actual and I'm sure that many teenagers will be able to discover themselves in it. It could be used as a warning for both the parents and the kids because it shows both the (possible) consequences of hiding things from parents and the effects that family conflicts have on kids.
One thing I don't understand though. What is the blue spot you talk about in
The ending is very abstract and also a bit disturbing which I find perfect considering the fact that her mother had just been killed and her own mental condition.
Thank you for the comment! Just to clarify, the blue spot was supposed to be like a huge bruise! Thank you for the kind words!
it was a little depressing but very well detailed and i loved it for that
Wow, this is great. Love it!
This is really beautiful. I like how you used that metaphor -- the snake and the silence. It made it really interesting. It was sad, and a little scary. But I liked this. I haven't read something like it in a long time. Great job! Keep writing!
-Fire.