Published April 10, 2013
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140,396 Literary Works • 673,155 Reviews
Naaw, that was sweet, I feel sorry for poor Jasmine, he made her feel special and then she finds him with another girl, poor thing. You did a great job at pulling the reader, me, in, i quite enjoyed reading your work. Don't be afraid to show the world your talents, your a great writer, show them. Though there are a few things that you might want to work on such as punctuation and spelling, maybe think of ways to refrase what you type like say you were typing "the little girl has blonde hair." you could say instead "the blonde girl is very young.". You would still be meaning the same thing but phrased differently. Great job and Good Luck.
S.K
I will pinpoint the last part/ sentence:
"Standing in the middle of the forest, hidden beneath the bushes and branches of the trees was Charles, lying beside a teenage girl, sleeping soundly with her in his arms..."
This part has contradicting parts. I'm not sure if he is "Standing in the middle of the forest" or "Lying beside a teenage girl" even though you made it clear that he is sleeping so he must be "lying".
Anyway, I like it.
Hey, thanks for the comment. I actually meant that she was standing there in the middle of the forest but I can understand how that can be misinterpreted so I'm going to change it right now
. Thanks!
No time to read this in entirety at the moment, but from what I have read... I really like it. =) I'll be back to finish it!!
~Sarah