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Young Writers Society



Under Their Wings; Chapter Three

by saves


While The Clouds Were Howling

“Sometimes glass glitters more than diamonds because it has more to prove”

Terry Pratchett

The air was humid, it stunk with combat and was held together by treason. We trudged our weary bodies through streets of collapsed houses. It didn’t take me long to realise I wasn’t wearing shoes. I didn’t say anything as the cold gravel pressed against my feet. Shards of glass stuck in my ankle, I pushed my weight on my toes, wincing at the tremble that ran up my leg. Sunny’s eyes, now a hue of green, watched my feet limping. Warm blood trickled down my foot. He smiled, though I wasn’t sure why. I looked at him as if to ask him what he thought was so funny. Sunny stopped, he put his backpack on the ground and pulled out a pair of shoes. I slumped down to the bitter road, pulling the glass from my foot.

‘Thank you…’ I smiled at him as he wiped the blood from my toes. He undid the shoelaces and slid the shoe onto my foot.

‘I’ll help you Abigail’ I stood and he pulled me to his chest and kissed my forehead. ‘I’ll try not to let you go, if you promise to do the same’

‘I promise, Sunny’

We saw no cars, no one besides us dared to walk the same dark road as us. Street lights flickered, most were shattered. Paige walked between Sunny and I, gripping Sunny’s hand, Paige’s finger tips white with fear and her lips blue. Addison was asleep, her arms tight around Dade’s broad shoulders. Edmond dragged himself through the shadows with Keavy hanging off his side, his hands twitching and his eyes searched for a sign of movement. It was Keavy who saw her silken skin shine in the dim moonlight. Her name was Skye, not because her eyes were cobalt discs, but because her facade was a night sky littered with stars. Around her wrist hung a silver chain, her name engraved in cursive. Her skin was a canvas, painted with arbitrary dots the hue of spilt coffee. Her face was a subtle map of where she had been and the way she had lived. Keavy brushed away specks of dirt from her cherry lips. She was open minded and boundless, you saw it every time you looked into her eyes. You could spend hours exploring her supple cheekbones much like a botanist would survey the textured innards of a fern. But by morning, as orange streaked the dawn, Skye lay lifeless in Keavy’s warm arms. The galaxy written on her face was pale, her sapphire eyes were closed and her diminutive pallid fingers were curled into a fist.

We watched the sky lighten with patches of grey as Keavy buried Skye’s flaccid body into the earth, where she would lay with her eyes closed forever. The roads were not crawling with the screams of children, though they never were. We saw few running to save themselves. We stumbled upon no soldiers, though we heard the gunshots in the distance and sound of house, once loved, collapsing to the ground. Sunny watched the surroundings, wondering where he was, or where he was going. At every gunshot, he predicated how far we were from the battle. We walked for hours, my legs aching, the air was hot around my fingers and sweat dripped from my palm. The ambled through a long street, the blasts getting stronger, vibrating through my shoes. Sunny looked nervous, his hands shaking. It was a few minutes later when he pulled my hand, tugging for me to stop walking towards the battle.

‘They’ll get us, we need to get off the road.’ He motioned to the brown broken trees behind a few houses, the ground under the large patch of shrubs was just dust. Edmond and Dade, with Addison tied around his shoulders, were already walking towards the bush.

‘Are you sure, Sunny?’

‘I’m sure Abi, you’ll be safer in the bush than out here’

I searched my head for a reason not to believe him, but there were none. Paige watched me and it was as if she read my mind, when she looked up, her brown eyes gleaming maroon.

‘It leads out to the lagoon, Sunny’s right’

‘Water?’ I asked her and she nodded.

‘Perhaps food?’ I questioned her again.

‘Of course’ Sunny said from behind me and I began to walk, knowing we couldn’t change our minds.


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28 Reviews


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Reviews: 28

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Fri Aug 01, 2008 10:22 am
grimy89098 says...



hey shay

awsome story, don't think i ever got a chance to say that at school

as the others have said, you have talent, i hope you keep using it

anyway, see ya at school




ps: this is brandon




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53 Reviews


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Reviews: 53

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Sat Jul 26, 2008 4:17 am
deavarna_satina wrote a review...



Well, I must say, I'm a little intimidated to crit your work. How on earth did you come across this kind of talent at the age of 13? I'm impressed.

Your characters are original, everything from the names to the mannerisms.
The love between Sunny and Abigail is unique and believable. No over-the-top lovey-dovey wish-wash. It's very realistic. Though I think you should give some indication as to how old they both are, because I simply have no idea. I started off thinking they were kids, but now I'm leaning towards mid-teens.

Your style of writing is poetic, your descriptions beautiful. I love the way you aren't spoon-feeding your readers; you don't tell them anything directly. It's great to make us have to think to understand what is going on. It is almost written like a short story. I haven't come across many novels that are written in this 'give as little as possible, tell what is happening and give no interpretation.' It will be interesting to see how you go with it.

It's good to see a little more dialogue creeping in this chapter. Dialogue will help your characters come to life. Right now I'm feeling that I don't know what the characters are like as people. You've told me about them, but I haven't seen them in action. That's okay; it's early days. I've no doubt that you'll help us get to know them a little better as the story progresses.

I definitely enjoyed what you have so far. You have talent. I'm eager to read more. PM me when you post again :D

~Hailey~




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45 Reviews


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Reviews: 45

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Tue Mar 04, 2008 7:19 pm
TheD2 wrote a review...



Good job, I liked it. There was a paragraph that was not spaced at all, and it should have. When you change subjects (character descriptions) Make a new paragraph. I did not find any problems but I am not doing a full crit. :D sorry. It was a little confusing at the beginning, but it got better, but good job, just remember to separate that one long paragraph, It will make it easier to understand. So once again good job.





My existence is political. And love is my statement.
— Kevin Abstract