Young Writers Society

Hi sargsauce,

I've gotta say this is miles above anything else I've read on this site for a while. The first stanza in particular is pretty great, the rhythm, the flow, the words are a pleasure to take in. I'm not sure of the parantheses bit -- about Hooke's law -- it seems an unneccesary diversion.

When I navigate my way on ill-folded maps
through rehearsed small talk, my guard may lapse.
And she will whisper rumors of Asperger,
despite my trained eye contact.

It is strange that a she is presented this late in the poem -- the first two stanzas seem almost unconnected to the new relationship you present in this one. I didn't really like "ill-folded maps" -- it didn't sound right to me. It seemed like something you could rhyme with maps more than anything else. Trained eye contact as well seemed stale in comparison to the other beautiful sonic lines you were throwing out, it is almost pale in comparison.

But what are eyes, anyway, but malleable lenses?
The hollow she senses when our gazes connect
is where I swallow the light of day.

Perfect.

Congrats -- I very much enjoyed this, thanks for the read.

Wow. All I can say: Wow.

This is fantastic! A true poet, you are!

I love the words you use and whole concept of the poem. It sounds very professional, except I do have one thing to mention:

sargsauce wrote:For in my eye-en-tea-jay, we note a degree
of stilted incapability.

This seems to lose all rhyme, and I'm sure you find a better rhyming word for "degree".

Besides that, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.

Lavvi