Young Writers Society

And herein lies the fallacy of YWS. I had never read this, and in the section 'recommended for you' the formula spews out generic teen-angst poetry and joke stories I don't care to read.

I owe you at least one critique. I won't delve into too much detail, but hopefully my feedback will help in some small way.

I think first issue that struck me was the occasional cliche slipping through. For the most part your imagery is original and authentic, but from time to time the occasional

to seize that opportunity

old ladies clucking

or

shrugged my shoulders

Struck me. It may seem pedantic, and perhaps I'm being unfair, but there is always another way to say these things and I think you can tighten it up.

Also, the conversation with the check out girl was, for the most part, masterful. The only issue was with how unprofessional and unabashed she spoke, providing insights about the SS book burning that I wouldn't expect from this character. It didn't add a depth to the character, because for me she is simply a figure or a standard of a check out girl, she isn't supposed to be a great deal different to Mary-Sue or Katie who work at my local grocer.

I think as far as the plot/theme goes you hit the mark. I was moved, but I felt the denouement came here

We could tell ourselves that it was instantaneous, but that would just be irresponsible.

I think you could end the story here, don't let the narrator harp on at this point because it is tacit, let it sink in quietly. The only line I liked from there was the one about eating and shitting and living. I liked that you reinforce the fact that, despite his insight into death and the end of the world and his general nihilism, he's too weak to find an alternative, he acknowledges that life goes on because it must. But I think you could weave this in before the line above.

oh and one last thing

“Let. Go. Of. Me.”

I don't like this ephemeral text-speak style of punctuating a sentence. I may be wrong, but this is a very recent thing and I haven't seen it in any decent literature, and considering how good this is, it doesn't belong here. Even if this style of exhibiting broken speech prevails and becomes an acceptable form of punctuation it will quickly become cliche and annoying, in my opinion. I would add a speech tag and show us how she takes a breath between each word, annunciating. This is a personal gripe but I wouldn't be surprise if others found it distracting.

All in all you have done really well. This is professional, the story is complete and tied up with a neat bow, every line seems to contribute and the character is so real by the end I genuinely felt moved. I wanted to talk to your protagonist. So, well done, thanks for an amazing read!

It's funny how normally lazy I am to read or review anything too long, unless it's requested. I read this and I'm hooked the entire way through. I think a lot of it has to do with the amount of realism portrayed. Or more possible the style I notice you tend to write your short stories in. You seem to have that ability to slowly move through one basic scene without the off-balance of too many unnecessary details, or unrealistic dialogue between characters, or irrelevant memories or thoughts in the eyes of the charcter. It's just. . smooth.

Normally I have at least one or two things I like to pick out, even with a piece this well written. I'm kind of embarassed to say the only thing I could pick out was the off tense of a word:

Maybe I didn’t fully #BF0000 ">(understood#BF0000 ">) that the live footage--depicting a 1/2000th scale

You say understood rather than understand. x\ But that's probably the only flaw that stuck out to me. Generally nothing else did. I think the way you slowly made your introduction was nicely paced. I think that the character's detached emotion made for an interesting read overall. By having such a cynical seeming character made the events occuring around him that much more interesting. The reader was able to view your story from a sort of multiple angle. I don't think I've really come across a story with as interesting characters or dialogue then what I seem to stumble upon while reading one of your short stories. It's baffling. ^-^ I strive for that when I write.

I suppose if I left this review with nothing but solid praise that wouldn't be too good for your ego. So I'll finish this by saying that your stories are really very great, but I'd enjoy seeing you test your limits by trying something a bit more involved. Like say. . a novel? You obviously have the knack for character development and overall plot. You know how to articulate yourself cleanly with your words. Your stories are above all interesting, why not invest a little time in something longer? I'd be psyched to see what you'd come up with. But I understand if that's not your style. Short stories seem to be less of a committment.

Anyway, great job again. Can't wait to see another new story posted! And I apologize if my praise nauseated you. I get that reviews tend to need something constructive about them to be worth the label review. -Oops. Keep up the great work!

-Smylin'