Published December 12, 2011
“Shh.” He holds a finger to his full lips and winks. His gray eyes are bright, crinkled up at the corners, full of laughter.
I flash a smile back and turn around, nodding at whatever she is telling me. It’s a good thing that she seems to require only my occasional murmur of assent. What with his constant presence, the air that he disturbs as he walks, the electrified breeze of his movement behind me, I don’t hear anything that she is saying.
As we round the corner, he makes his move, slipping his hands forwards—his right hand knuckles brush my face and I flinch as they burn me—and covering her eyes. She turns around and their lips brush, their mouths harden, their bodies lock together.
I walk away, grinning. I helped him. He smiled at me.
But the flare of excitement ebbs. The flush fades out of my face as I walk down the gray halls, replaced by a dull throbbing ache somewhere just below the center of my collarbone. It wasn’t for me. His smile, the brush against my cheek, the wink of a co-conspirator. It was for her.
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140,186 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Hey there!!
This was really short and sweet, and yes, a bit confusing. You're good at description, but you need to make it a bit clearer what's going on.
This is one of the most confusing yet most interesting things I've read on YWS. I am sure that you did all of this on purpose and perhaps that is the reason I liked it.
Although it is short, it sure is deep.
Your use of vocabulary is excellent (obviously) and the way you changed point of views is awesome.
I seriously enjoyed it.
Good Job
Maybe next time you should make it a bit longer.
Cheers,
V. Quest
Hi there sarebear! 'Tis Lavvie to review.
So, it's short but, unlike Wayland said, I don't think it feels like it's from the middle of an already established novella/novel. It's very much a stand-alone piece. That said, it is also not very clear in some ways.
First, when I began, I seriously thought there would only be two people, the usual guy and a girl. The lovebirds, right? And then you suddenly, in an indirect way, introduce the narrator and that it's in first person. It's really bizarre. Usually, a writer would find it preferable to introduce the type of narration within the first bit. This can depend also on what they are writing and in what genre and what format. A lot of times, this does not apply to novel-writers since the first bit could be a prologue where things are told sort of in story-telling. However, in such a short story (more like flash-fiction here), it would be suggested to, right off the bat, introduce the type of narration. With such a sudden and bizarre switch, there's no doubt about it that you're bound to confuse some, if not all, readers. Beware of that.
Confusion aside, I can deduce that this person is male? However, I cannot be entirely sure for a few reasons:
i) you, as the writer, have not obviously been clear about the narrator's gender
ii) the narrator mentions that, while talking to this girl, he/she could not focus do the feel of the "electrified breeze". This can be confusing since this is obviously a romantic short story and a common cliche to use in romance pieces in the "electrifying" feel of a person one is in lust/love with. I am confused now whether this is actually a girl who loves the other guy.
iii) and now, at the end, the narrator says that those movements where not for him but for the girl. Is this narrator male, now? Or homosexual? What does the narrator exactly mean by those last lines?
The above list represents the confusion you have created while writing this. You must be precise when writing. Perhaps you don't have to describe all the itsy-bitsy details, but it's clarity is still important in the basic prose.
Don't hesitate to shoot me a PM if you have any questions about this review.
Yours,
Lavvie
I this that your writing is very good. I like your style, its easy to read. But it feels like I'm reading a random part of book in the middle of it. I don't really understand whats going on. I think that if you worked more with the pronouns it would be more understandable. There is onviously a third person, like the person who the narrator refers to, but what is she doing in the story? That is whats confusing. If you fixed that I think it would be much more understandable. But again I like your style of writing!
it's short and confusing and I am very very lost.
It's well written, and detailed and the vocabulary usage is wonderful I just... have no idea what's going on in the story. The plot line makes no sense. Maybe you should explain what your saying a little bit more? I just have absolutely no clue as to what's happening. There's a man and a woman and the narrator, the narrator is specified as neither man nor woman, and then he/she describes the man as someone they admire or have feelings for, yet then at the end you say that it was all for her? I don't know, maybe I just don't understand your writing style, but the piece makes no sense to me. I has no base or direction.
It's very short, I really don't like short-storys or romantic storys but this was kind of intertaining. I couldn't find any errors as far as grammar and/or puncation. Good job!