A red plumed bird sits on the branch of a young birch tree. It is winter and the tree is simple, unadorned with leaves. She is slender and silver. Her bark is coated in a glossy sheen. She waves gently in the breeze.
The bird’s magnificent feathering is apparent from a distance. The bird shifts on his perch, looking around with an intelligent black eye. At the very center of the eye burns a blazing red fire: his passion.
The bird spreads his great red wings. Red, orange, and gold ripple down his breast. In one graceful, fluid movement the bird launches himself into the sky. His wings are an explosion of fire against the blue sky. His sharply curved face is uplifted.
Suddenly the fiery beak is open and a song echoes through the birch forest. It is a song of longing and happiness, of joy and sorrow, of elation and loss, of anger and love. It is the song of the firebird.
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139,535 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hmm, see I really enjoyed this piece. More than I expected. You have nice detail and a solid sense of voice that flows throughout here. My major problem was that for a mainly descriptive piece you rely too much ontelli g rather than showing. The bird is this, it does that, etc. You mug find a way to show this in the readers mind, telling us does not allow the reader enough to form a mental image.
Take this line:
His wings are an explosion of fire against the blue sky. His sharply curved face is uplifted.
This is telling me what happens. And it should be the most magnificent moment of the piece. Here's an ex of a fix, one you don't have to apply:
His wings spread wide, curved face uplifted, and explode against the blue sky, (embers trailing his path)
not perfect but you get my drift. Minor changes and it will be even stronger for it.
I like this its short and beautiful. It has a lot of detail for something so short. Good ending, too.
-Bromthebard
I liked this, simple as it was. Like Griffinkeeper said above me, the order could be changed.
Oh and this bit I had a slight problem with:
"In one graceful, fluid movement the bird launches himself into the sky. His wings are an explosion of fire against the blue sky."
Sky used twice in two consecutive sentences is repetitive, maybe try switching the first one to 'air'...it should help smooth it out.
Other than that, I love it, great vision, more detail perhaps and in a smoother fashion. Good job (:
Keep writing,
~Shaard
I like this description piece.
I would reorganize the order in which you describe things. Right now it is Bird, Tree, Bird, Flight, and Song. I would change it to Tree, Bird, Flight, and Song. That way, the description flows smoother.
In the tree paragraph, I would describe the tree and really bring out the white and gray shades into the description. Then, end the paragraph with the red bird. It catches our interest at the last sentence and provides a good transition to Bird.
In the Bird Paragraph, I would add a dimension of size to it. We have feathers and eyes right now, you can add size, talons, and beak. This gives the Bird a more rounded description. End with a description of the wings, this provides a transition to Flight.
Flight is good, Song is good, but they seem short somehow. Perhaps they need to be combined.